Imagine being a single-mum to a young child and not only having to mitigate the damage that a broken home does to you and your child but also having to sacrifice up to half of the precious time you cherish being a parent by sharing parental rights...Not an easy life and certainly not what you intended but you make the best of things and try to shield your child from the inevitable tensions this all-to-common situation brings with it.

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Now imagine that one day you notice a bruise on your child, or your child mentions something that happened while with their dad that rings alarm bells. What do you do? Maybe you go into denial, as there is no way the person you once loved could cause harm to the child you created together. Or maybe you confront your ex-partner and hope for an innocent explanation, which you believe because acknowledging that your dearest gift in life is being abused by the one person you thought would never do such a thing, not to mention that you never thought he would be capable of such a heinous act, is incomprehensible. So now you accept and excuse this worrying event as nothing more than a misunderstanding or a misinterpretation. Things go back to normal, ish, but you have this doubt in your mind and, instinctively, you become ever-so-slightly more protective.

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A few days, or weeks, go by and your worst fears are confirmed. Your child flippantly says something that can't be mistaken for anything innocent. Your stomach churns and you feel physically sick, but after the shock subsides you collect your thoughts and decide to report a case of suspected child sexual abuse to the authorities. But what if you've got it wrong? If you go to the authorities and it's somehow not what you think, your actions will destroy everyone's life. But what else can you do? What other options are there? Other than arming yourself with something sharp and dealing with the situation yourself, which leads to your child being orphaned, you really don't have a choice. Anyhow, this is the first time you or your family has ever dealt with anything like this so reporting this crime to the Police is the obvious answer. In your mind, you will report this to the police and they will then interview your child in a respectful and sensitive way, after which they will arrest your child's abuser and lock him up. Now your child is safe and you can go about healing the wounds this monster has caused. This is how it will go, or so you think...

pic sourced from pixabay

Nearly 2 years have passed since you spent a full day with your own child. Nearly two years since you put her to bed or made her breakfast in the morning. The skin under your eyes has turned raw from all the tears and you've lost so much weight your clothes no longer fit. You have been made to feel like a criminal and when you attend your supervised visit to spend that precious hour with your child you aren't even allowed to tell them that you miss them with all your heart(Because this will be reported to the Social Services and will be looked upon as "emotional abuse").

This is the price you have paid for trying to protect your child and not only has your child been taken away from you and placed into care, but you are also now a suspect in the investigation.

Things did not go the way you thought they would. The father lied to cover his deeds, obviously. Your child's police interview was harrowing but still not enough for the police to convict(For that they need physical evidence or an independent eye-witness). The social workers, once they realised the police weren't ready to back you up, have turned on you. They claim their responsibility is towards the child and making sure there is zero chance of abuse re-occurring, which to them involves throwing a nuclear bomb into your world. While the doctor's report confirms the abuse, the SS has no definitive proof which proves who the abuser is and to them, this means they have to suspect everyone, you, your mum and dad, your siblings, and anyone else who the father points his finger at in an attempt to redirect the blame. Until this case is closed the only way the child is safe is if he/she is taken out of the equation completely, this is how social services see things.

Unlike the police, the family courts can come to a judgment without the need for conclusive evidence, instead they use probability as a measure of guilt or innocence(sometimes both). But this takes time and involves a close-quarters battle within a tiny courtroom. As a mother, you will come face to face with the person you believe is the abuser. You will receive little protection from the verbal abuse hurled at you by the accused and nobody but your underpaid solicitor will speak on your behalf. Without tens of thousands of pounds to spare your solicitor will be paid via "Legal Aid", which is a tight budget only allowing for a certain amount of due diligence, so be prepared to become an amateur barrister yourself because if you don't learn how to read between the lines or spot the misrepresentations of your character and/or your intentions, then you will be destined to fail. Your child's fate and your god-given bond are on the line here so don't fuck this up!

This is certainly not how you thought things would happen, is it? But this is the fate of so many parents out there. I know this because the example I have just given is exactly what my sister is going through right now. And even after being cleared of any wrongdoing and finally hearing the judge declare that what her daughter had said from the start was true, even then, this nightmare will not end. It's a cruel process made even crueler by the inept people who have ordained themselves as Judge, Jury, and executioners. To be promised your child is coming home to you and then have that snatched away in the next breath because the father has found a way to appeal is a twist of the knife that should never be allowed. But it does happen and now you have to go through the whole process again. But more importantly, you are kept apart from your dearest love for even longer. And while you fight for her she grows up, has her first day at school, celebrates birthdays, Easter and Christmas, and all without you. These are precious years which any parent will agree are the most precious and they have been taken away from you, and for what? All because you reported the most despicable crime and tried to protect your child...

Through my years writing about forced adoptions and the corruption that's ingrained into the Social Services, CAFCASS, and the Family Courts, I've had many people try to tell me that this kind of thing doesn't happen regularly and that, on the whole, "the system" works and is not about profit or reputation. Those people are entitled to their opinions but I know full well they have not experienced the cold and callous ways of "Children's Services". I am just an eye-witness to one single case, however, the information is there and it speaks for itself...

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"Family court and abuse professionals have long been polarized over the use of parental alienation claims to discredit a mother alleging that the father has been abusive or is unsafe for the children. This paper reports the findings from an empirical study of ten years of U.S. cases involving abuse and alienation claims. The findings confirm that mothers’ claims of abuse, especially child physical or sexual abuse, increase their risk of losing custody and that fathers’ cross-claims of alienation virtually double that risk. Alienation’s impact is gender-specific; fathers alleging mothers are abusive are not similarly undermined when mothers cross-claim alienation. In non-abuse cases, however, the data suggest that alienation has a more gender-neutral impact. These nuanced findings may help abuse and alienation professionals find some common ground."

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Link to original study by Joan S. Meier

While I understand that even by having and understanding this information it leaves parents who face the same predicament stuck between a rock and a hard place. Nonetheless, I wish I would have known this before my sister's case began and I share this information with you in the hope that it can help others.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post.

If you would like to support families entrapped in Family Courts, you can help by spreading the information that's out there and using the #familyprotection tag in your post. @familyprotection was set up by @canadian-coconut & @markwhittam to help families like mine and the thousands of others fighting against forced adoptions.

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Thanks again for your time and attention