The Diary ~ February 17th 1999

Well here I am on the 10 year anniversary of killing my parents and I have to say I have gotten my new life. I did not have to die to obtain it, I just had to fight harder than I ever had to in my life. I would love to say that after my group therapy revelation, it was easy. It was not. There were days, hours, minutes I wanted to leave, throw myself away, but I didn’t. The hardest time and the time I wanted to die more than in that bathroom, was in group therapy when I told my story. I was waiting for the looks of disgust, that I was trash, dirty, worthless, but they didn’t they cried and all of them got up and hugged me. They told me exactly how I was feeling, they had the same feelings. They held me and said they were there and they would help me up and over the wall, and they did, every single day.

The turning point for me was the day David came to see me and he looked at me as though I was human, as though I was perfect. David was the police officer/paramedic that saved my life. He came to visit me to see how I was. David knew it all. He saw all the videos, the x-rays, the scars and it did not scare him. He told me he saw the bravery, the survivor, the devoted sister who did the unthinkable to save her brother. He told me I was a warrior and he could not stop thinking about me. David came every visiting day, along with Cole, Charlie and Cole’s parents. Their support and love is what kept me here and made me whole. Therapy showed me how.

So here I am 10 years later and I was released from the psychiatric facility after 3 years and I was picked up by Cole’s parents and Charlie. Cole’s parents adopted me while I was in the facility. I went home to a party, with Cole and all my friends from school. David was also there. There was a banner welcoming me home and telling me I was loved. There was never a short supply of those words or expression of love. They started it during my time in the facility and Cole’s Mom would sometimes hold me the whole time she visited. It was very weird in the beginning and uncomfortable but I grew to love it. The hardest is when Cole’s Dad did it and I was so scared it was going to happen again, well it didn’t. It got easier as the years went on. Now it is like second nature to hug them and tell them I love them. Cole’s Mom, well my Mom, could not wait to show me my new room. It was beautiful. She told me she always wanted a daughter, well more children, but she couldn’t have them, and she went overboard and if I did not like anything we could change it. I loved it all, especially the no key lock on the door. I could leave my room whenever I wanted. The first week I really did not remember that and they would have to call me down and remind me. However, after that and hearing Charlie running around all over the house taught me I was safe to leave. Those first months out of the facility were the hardest.

The night I killed my parents David was a rookie police officer of 23 and just left the fire department to join the police department. I was his first murder scene and his first attempted suicide. He was the age I am now and I left a lasting impression. After, watching all the tapes and seeing all the evidence, he only saw the survivor, the warrior as he called me. I left an impression on him and he left his on me. He was the first man to look at me as a human, as a person, as worthy. I never thought of him in a romantic way, I never thought that was in my future, and he did not either, I was too young. However, the years past and we became closer and closer friends. Finding we had a lot in common and liked a lot of the same stuff. However, until I was 21 he never saw me that way. I started thinking of him that way when I was around 17, but he always felt I was too young. One day I was in my college class, yup I went to college, and Mom called me to say that David had been hurt, in the line of duty. I ran out of my class and drove to the hospital. I was so worried he had died and I lost my love, my love that is still weird to say. I found him ok and being stitched up from a none life threating knife wound. When I got there I could see he wanted me as much as I wanted him and that night he told me how he felt about me. He told me he could not ignore it any longer. We have been together ever since.

I know journal you are wondering, how did the sex go, was I okay with it. Well, we waited for a few months after dating to have sex and I have to say it was okay. It has gotten better and more comfortable over time and now, I enjoy it. I don’t think of the past anymore and my psychiatrist told me that it was okay to view my first consensual sexual experience as my first. My past with Mark was not my sexual experience but his. It was all about him and sex with the right person, right time, is about the two people involved not only about one.

David and I have a beautiful relationship and are getting married; after I graduate. We have talked about children and I am scared to death. What if I turn into them and hurt my child? David believes that will never happen and that I will be the polar opposite and be overly caring. I hope he is right, I will let you know. I have the life I never dreamed of and only believed I could get through death. Now, these pages will be filled with hope, love and a wonderful life of ups and downs and all at my control. No more pain, suffering, hatred, or misery. There is always better if you believe and fight to the death for it.