Food blog perfection

in Foodies Bee Hive3 years ago

Locally-sourced and responsibly produced fresh foods prepared with finesse and great skill. Stunning presentation to delight the senses and tantalize the tastebuds. A feast fit for tables in the finest restaurants of the world all described expertly in the written word immersing the reader in the moment, almost allowing them to taste the culinary delights right through the computer...That's what makes food blog perfection.

This post isn't that...Food blog perfection I mean.


Last night I was watching a documentary about polar bears with Faith when I decided I needed a snack - Saturday night's are perfect snack times.

There's vanilla yoghurt in the fridge G-dog, Faith said, some apples too. I looked at her as if she'd suggested I gnaw my own arm off to sate my hunger pangs.

Apples? What madness are you speaking woman! I gave her a suitably horrified look.

She looked back at me knowing her feeble attempt at getting me to eat something healthy had fallen on deaf ears. Have some Twisties then. She had already capitulated.

Good plan Faith, don't mind if I do, I thought to myself.

Of course always keen to push the envelope of the culinary arts I wasn't simply going to consume a bowl of Twisties like some pauper with no class or style...No, I'm dignified and my intention was to create culinary greatness. You can see it, step by step below.


Gather the ingredients

It's nothing but the best for the old G-dog when it comes to Saturday night snacks you know.

First I home-baked a bread roll using non-genetically modified grains that I ground up myself in a mortar and pestle made from a fallen meteorite, baked in a wood oven using wood from an enchanted forest in Norway. You can see it on the plate above.

Then I sourced freshly churned butter from the teat of a cow who lives in a green field full of organic grasses and was milked by a lovely busty Austrian milkmaid wearing a low top...She delivers to my door of course.

And, as if I need to say, only the freshest cheese flavoured Twisties will suffice.

Create the masterpiece

This recipe isn't one for the novice chef to attempt. It's not all that complex, one just needs to get the steps in the correct order and have the special touch with each element to ensure the result comes out perfectly.

This is where my expert skills bring the snack together in a perfect combination of fresh ingredients lovingly combined, individual elements concatenated into one glorious and truly spectacular culinary creation.

As you can see I adopted a more rustic style applying the butter in an eclectic manner to lend the dish a more deconstructed feel. The addition of the Twisties? Well, these must be placed carefully and with great precision. This is where my expertise is required.

At this stage the dish is almost prepared but there's one final step that, once again, only those greatly skilled in the culinary arts should attempt.

Flipping the top over

Clearly the top-flipping process is a delicate operation but once that final preparation was done I plated up my creation...And doesn't it look inviting? I know...Mind blown.

With great pomp and ceremony I returned to the couch where, whilst I was creating culinary magnificence, Faith had turned the TV over to the movie The Sound of Music. Trust me I wanted to stab myself with a blunt spoon but I couldn't as I had a masterpiece to consume.


Food blog perfection this post is certainly not...But a paragon of culinary creations my Twisties sandwich surely was...It even allowed me to sit through a few minutes of The Sound of Music without saying, what fucking crap is this? My mouth was full and, of course, a well-mannered gentleman never talks with his mouth full.


Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised.

Be well
Discord: galenkp#9209

Main image courtesy of one of my brothers.

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That looks appalling XD

And I love the way in which it was presented XD Damn those are some finely sourced incredients and equipment! XD

Appalling yes...Tasty...Well, let's just say it did the job when it needed to. I would have preferred pizza.

I'll tell you Ry, it's only the best for me...I go far and wide in search of the best ingredients for my culinary creations...This is why dinner parties at my house are so coveted by my friends.

Maybe you should have made a mini-pizza instead :D

If I had mini pizza stuff I would have...I guess I could have made that bread roll into a cheese and tomato sandwich, we did have all the ingredients for that, however my evil Twisties sandwich seems to have been popular for my post, albeit for the wrong reasons.

Haha!! Ah mate, this is superbly funny!!

First I home-baked a bread roll using non-genetically modified grains that I ground up myself in a mortar and pestle made from a fallen meteorite, baked in a wood oven using wood from an enchanted forest in Norway

I'm glad to see where I have been doing it wrong :0D

Lol...Well, I don't mind sharing some of my MasterChef techniques with your good self. I know you will appreciate them, and deploy said methods in your own kitchen.

Get ye a meteor rock mortar and pestle, your chip sandwiches will rise to a new level! And...Who doesn't like hacking down trees from the enchanted forest to use in a wood oven? Come on, it's all about the taste.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This was so much fun to read. Was it good? There is no way I would ever eat that. I am a food snob.

Julie Andrews sure could sing, but that movie is also not my cup of tea.

Well, it was good, but not good for me. It was a legit snack for a Saturday night and made a few minutes of The sound of music tolerable.

Food snob huh? I'm not that way inclined, I guess maybe due to my childhood. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like what I like and won't compromise, like going to McDonalds just because I'm hungry, but I'm not one to get too involved with food preparation...I'm no MasterChef...Or food blogger, clearly. I'd eat MRE's gladly and not feel disappointed. 😁

Thanks for commenting on this one...I was just having a bit of fun I guess because life's too short not to.

!ENGAGE 25

Fun matters!

I am not above a double cheeseburger with extra pickles from McDonalds now and then. My weakness is lemon martinis with potato chips. But in general, I'm one of those organic farmer's market cook everything myself types. I was in the restaurant business too, hoity toity food. I got used to it. My kids got used to it.

Thanks for the support and the engage!

I like farmers markets too and we shop for our fresh produce at one, mostly. We are choosy with our produce and prefer quality. We're not hoity toity eaters...Methinks hoity toity should be more widely used too.

We're rather basic eaters, just good quality home-cooked stuff suits us fine. We're not into those Masterchef culinary creations and never watch TV shows like that...But don't get me wrong, we like good food.

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Ha-ha-ha ! Thank you for the pleasure I got reading the "recipe"!!! I must say I love your moto. You are right - life is in many things what we want it to be. My regards to Faith - you must be very happy together, as I can see!

I was just having some fun, being a bit silly...Life is sometimes too serious so it's good to lighten the mood at times.

I think she's pretty happy to be with me. I wrote a post a couple days ago about it actually...We've been together a while and I don't think she has any plans to leave just yet. It's in my post feed if you're keen, called, there's no secret.

I have read that post - started with the great photo at "Shadow and reflections". I like style you write your posts, funny and clever :)

Aww thanks...Yeah, I try to keep it interesting.

Bloody clickbait! Lol.
But I will give it to you, nothing beats a chip roll with butter!!!!

Perhaps the sound of music was an appropriate "backing track" to the delight and satisfaction which your culinary work of art brought you. Lol

Love the way you wrote this. Had me smiling the whole way through.

Happy Sunday and Valentines Day!
Have a great one!

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I'm not above a click baity title now and then, keeps people on their toes.

I'm a nutbag and decided to have some fun with this one for something different. It would have been better with chicken chips, but Twisties worked ok...A tough recipe to master, but I made it happen.

Glad you got a laugh, that was the intention.

ANY chips on a roll will do.
On that note, what we call "slap chips" here in SA...
Ie. The hot, soggy chips, smothered in salt and vinegar which usually accompany a piece of deep fried, battered hake...
Are the BEST kind of "chips" on a roll!

Oh yeah, I agree! That's the best!

We're not very inventive here in Australia, we call deep fried chips, chips, and the crispy ones that come in foil/plastic packets, chips. Keeps it simple. Gets confusing sometimes, but the addition of hot to the former generally clears up the confusion.

So, hot chips on buttered bread sandwiches...Legit!

We do the same thing here. One word fits all. Lol. And yes... it is the shizz nizz, although I know my waistline most likely disagrees, lol.

I think you bunch are similar to us here in Aus, different but similar.

Don't worry about the waistline, I'm sure all is well. When your skin stops fitting go on a diet. 🤪

Lol @ the skin not fitting. Thanks for that visual.

Different but similar, yes (aka we are awesomerer 😎👌😁)

Love your Foodie post!

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Thank you, I appreciate that.

🤣

Cracked me up a few times this one

....using non-genetically modified grains that I ground up myself in a mortar and pestle made from a fallen meteorite....

Careful there's no kryptonite in that meteor dude.

Main image courtesy of one of my brothers.

Ahh, so he's the fancy fucker of the fam then?

Yeah, one need to know one's meteor's Asher...It wouldn't do to mix them up...Many a good chef has met an untimely end in that way.

Ahh, so he's the fancy fucker of the fam then?

You have no fucking idea. Lol. I wouldn't even know where to start.

Thanks for commenting and the reblog mate, I had a bit of fun with this and am glad a few saw it for what it was, a serious food blog a piss-take.

YUCK ! ....but ok.... to each their own food creations.

LOL !!

Thinking those Twisties look like the Cheetos I have in the kitchen and wondering where I might get one of those homemade rolls

I can't officially knock it till I have tired it.... .right ???

I can't officially knock it till I have tired it...right?

I couldn't agree more.

In truth it's bloody evil, but kind of good at the same time. It served its purpose last night though and...Well, I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't happen again.

Now, for where to get some of that bread, start at the bakery by finding yourself a meteor and crafting a mortar and pestle from it's space-rock...Then find that enchanted forest in Norway and cut down some trees...😁

What a combination G. ! Actually I kinda suspected the bread you eat might be baked in a oven by burning magic wood from an enchanted forest. Too much poetry in the posts, it must be from there hahha

Oh yes, I may be many things, some not so good...But one this I excel at is cooking, clearly!

Cooking yes... And eating too. I like the eating part the most lol

Eating is better than cooking in my opinion...And eating the cooking that someone else cooked is even better again!