A Letter to my late Mother

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Hey mum it’s your second child here, the funny and crazy one, oh yeah I forgot you probably can’t relate because it’s been like what? 19 years? since you last saw me and you sure as hell didn’t know this about me.

I didn’t understand the meaning of death until I stopped seeing you at home, my little mind could not grasp the reason why my baby brother was first introduced to us at home without you in the picture, I didn’t understand why Aunty Charlotte would always go all MIA and would return with puffy eyes, I didn’t understand why there were so many visitors in our house, people looking at us with pity?

Was this supposed to be the usual tradition after a child was born into this, world I wondered, I was surprised because when Faith was born we didn’t have so much crowd trooping in and out of the house, why was Miebaka’s own different?

We waited and waited for you but Aunty Charlotte said you were coming home soon.

Lol soon turned into days and later weeks, months and here we are now.

We had a family meeting a week later, funny enough dad became really scarce at home and when he broke the news that you were dead, I still didn’t get it, I was little and so were my siblings, ignorant of the gravity of such words.

Days turned into weeks, we didn’t see you and the next thing we saw, was pictures of you printed on papers bearing “Gone too soon”, these same pictures I see regularly of people who I don’t see anymore.

Your funeral came and that was when Aunty Charlotte for the first time made us understand that you were never going to come back home, ever again.

“Your mummy has gone to heaven to meet Jesus and she’s watching over us all”
ohh that was what being dead meant, my little self started putting all the puzzles together.

Then the constant weeping began, the fear of not seeing my mummy again, the fear of my mummy not seeing me become a superstar, the fear of my mummy not singing and teaching me how to read again, the fear of my mummy not dropping me off at school anymore.

That was when my life changed drastically.

It’s been 19 solid years since you left us, 19 years of not calling your name, 19 years of not being able to see or hear your voice.

I would always cry and throw tantrums whenever I remember how we lost you, my childhood was filled with memories of you, there were triggers everywhere, the slightest thing would trigger my tears.

Overtime I became stronger, I didn’t cry anymore, even when I recount your death to people and they go all “Oh mine I am sorry”, I’d say “no problem it’s been ages already, I am fine now” funny how I didn’t feel the strong overpowering feeling anymore, the one that made the lump in my throat grow painful and would trigger me to cry and be sad for the whole day.

For the first time in a long time I had a trigger on Sunday.

Sunday was Mothering Sunday, I already have so many mothers that I have adopted overtime but Aunty Charlotte is my number one mummy, it’s safe to say that your one and only sister has and is doing a good job.

I was going through my contacts WhatsApp stories on Sunday and then a picture popped on my screen, how did this picture get here, for the first 5secs I was shocked and then I saw the name, it was Aunty Charlotte’s story.

I read each and every word she wrote, the more I read the more I cried, I cried so hard on Sunday, everything was fresh again, the pains, the memories, my struggles, everything.

The fact that your birthday was on the same day made the situation worse.

I don’t know when I’d get over this feeling again but all the same, it’s safe to say that your children are doing well, we are living our dream, dad is fine, Aunty Charlotte and her family are also fine.

Wherever you are don’t beat yourself up for leaving us because we are all fine and we are all in a good place.

Goodbye my Mother🥰🕊🕊