Motherhood: My Journey So Far…|| Free Write

in GEMS4 years ago (edited)


My First Free Write So Have Mercy on Me…


During this quarantine times, I’m trying new things and stuff to post about, not that is new for me to write about my life or my experiences but this free write stuff it is new to me, I read the post by @anomadsoul about his free write and got inspire to start to do it myself I like the fact that I can just let myself go in the keyboard and don’t actually have to worry much about the marketing down of the post, cause the idea of the free write is to just do that write freely until you want and you cant even go back to edit any of it, I will have to be honest tho I will be doing a spell check on this once is done cause well my English sucks big time and if I don’t have spell check to help me you probably wont understand a word I’m saying.

Here we go…

Motherhood

30716155_10213039256510725_3642732120791617787_n.jpg My very first pic with the little one, I was 3 months pregnant!!


If you were to ask me 3 and a half years ago, if I wanted to be a mom? I would have said NO! why? Mostly cause I loved my independence, the fact that I had 0 responsibility for anyone else except for myself and my Cat, and as any Cat parent would know being a mom to a cat is a lot of responsibility in itself, but we are not here to talk about my Cat. By 2017 me and my BF were already on our 4 year of relationship, both graduated from university and he had a stable enough job so he ask me to move in with him, I used to live 500km from him so we had a long distance relationship, we made a couple of renovations to the house, I was going to start looking for a job in the new city I was in and then one day the question arise do you want to have kids?.

Who asked the question? Me! Well I wanted to know if he wanted to have kids with me, I know we were serious enough by this point to actually be living together but you know this stuff is something people in a relationship talks about, he said he did wanted at least one, and then I though… Well I want to be the one that carries this man child, is not like I think a man can be chain to a woman because of a child, hello I’m a divorce child and my father actually has other 6 children from 4 different women so, yeah I know a man is not force to stay with a woman because of a child, I wanted to have his child just cause I don’t know I’m stupid in love like that.

We were 30 (me) and 33(him) years old so we though maybe we can start looking for a baby now… I mean I know how biology works I know!! But here I am a woman who had a history of ovary cysts (nothing major just a few here and there that eventually got vanish by treatment) I though well this may take some time, this may actually never happen, if it happens fine and it doesn’t fine as well, we started looking for the kid December of 2017 I got pregnant by January 2018 so yeah THAT WAS QUICK!

I actually learn I was pregnant by valentine’s day of that year, it was his gift ( I didn’t had money to buy him something else and well this one top it all other I could have given him). The moment I got that pregnancy test result (blood work cause I cant handle the doubt that the stick means) OMG!!!!! To be real here I was shaking so bad! Like I knew something was up cause well a woman always knows when her body is acting up, but I seriously though this would take longer, maybe a couple of fail tests results or something, but nooo there I was pregnant SO FAST!!!! Like I said I know how biology works but still!!

And so my motherhood journey begun, the moment that I opened test result boom my life change forever, I started to talk immediately to him, I remember the first thing I told him (I didn’t know it was a him by them obviously) was well you are going to be the best gift your dad has ever had in his life, I remember thinking omg omg omg, I was in shock, was I happy? I cant say I was happy, I was literally in shock, was I disappointed or did I regretted it? NEVER have I regretted being pregnant, it was a decision I made on my own not to try to get anything out of it but to form a family with the man I love and even when I had a huge fight with my BF that I even break up the relationship and move for a month back home, felt that having a baby was a mistake, on the other hand being pregnant was something I hated so much!!!

My pregnancy was weird, like normal but weird, i found out I was pregnant when I was already 5 weeks and by that time baby’s daddy was working ships that lasted 7 days, so that meant he was 7 days at home and 7 days in the field, I felt really well that first week after I found out, I went to the doctors to do the first check up on the next day after the test came back positive, and everything was perfect, but then the dad had to go back to work and omg the nightmare begun! It started with a kind of morning sickness that wasn’t actually vomit but mostly dizziness and wasn’t only in the morning but lasted all day it made me feel weird, my energy levels when to the underground, I didn’t wanted to get up or out of the bed, I even wanted to cry for my mommy not cause I was in pain but because I felt alone in the house with none to take care of me, stupid pregnant hormones are the WORSE! Yes even worse than the pms ones, and I had to way 7 days before my bf got back home, this happen my whole pregnancy, (even that month I was away and break up with my bf that is another post material cause man that story is long) and well to summarize I hated being pregnant.

Once we were finally about to have the kid out of the belly, and I learn I could give birth to him naturally but I had to have him it through c-section, I though well i can take advantage out of this, since the doctors already have to cut me open they may as well cut my tubes too! I had the conversation with the bf, is not like I needed his approval but we are a couple and I wanted to hear what he though about it, he said he didn’t wanted another kid so that was easy, by that time all I thought about was I don’t want to do this again EVER.

Then the kid came out, people don’t lie when they say you will never sleep again, from the first day, I mean that day I had to wake up at 5am to get ready for the c-section do the showering and shaving of stuff and be ready for when the nurse was going to come to my room to pick me to take me to the OR, it was supposed to be early in the morning but the doctors got a emergency and my c-section was push a couple of hours, I obviously couldn’t go back to sleep cause the expectation and anxiety was killing me, he was born sep 25th of 2018 at 9.20am, and my tubes were cut a couple of minutes later (after I beg the doctor to do it cause she didn’t wanted but this is too another post material cause long story), if you don’t know after the kid is pull out from the mom’s body, they take it away from the OR to clean him and put clothes on him, while the doctors are closing the mom, then I was taken to the recovery room where I was supposed to wait another 10 to 15 minutes I don’t really know how long cause to be honest my mind was in a fuzz probably the hormones and the pain my body was awaking it too, for me it actually didn’t last too much until I was finally taken to my room and my baby was handed to me. In the OR when they show him to me it was so quick the first thing I thought was OMG he is so hairy! And then they took him away so fast and I was left there begging the doctor to cut my tubes, that I really didn’t had much time to think about the kid.

The moment i finally got to carry him, oh! That moment, I never felt so much love in my life, and I mean I love my boyfriend very much and obviously my mom and dad, but this, this was different, this was in another level, I just felt so much, and oh my heart when I saw his dad carrying him, the 2 biggest loves of my life that was beyond.

Now I think back when I didn’t want any kids cause I was happy to be on my own, free as a bird and could have all the sleep I wanted without any worries or poop to clean, and think well I was oblivious of this love.

This kid makes me mad, doesn’t let me sleep, if I didn’t have to buy him diapers, I could probably have a car or could live on a mansion by now, yet I would trade him for anything in this life. All I have to do, to be able to smile is look at his face, to be happy all I have to do is smell his hair, to find joy all I have to do is bite his chubby little leg (really I can’t resist he is so yummy!!!) I find motherhood sooooooooooo hard, and sooooo scary yet so fulfilling.

I don’t know if this happens to all parents or at least all moms, but omg I live petrified that something may happen to him, some danger I cant control or something I cant protect him from, anything that may cause him harm is my biggest fear and I feel this all day every day. Like during this pandemic times before I would have just though oh well if I die, I die whatever, now I think, I cant die, the who else is going to make sure my kid is safe and loved? I mean I know he has his dad, who loves him as much as I do, and who actually over protects him more than I do, but I don’t know if I can explain myself properly, I just know I live in constant fear of him not being well, happy and healthy.

That is the major thing I found more shocking so far, how I cant just not worry about him, I know he is safe and healthy and happy, but with so much stuff that can happen in the world especially to a little kid like him OMG I freak out! All I want to do is hug him and never let go like I want to put him back in my belly where I can protect him better from all the dangers in the world.

That and love are the 2 major feelings I had have since he was born, is weird cause I think the fear comes out of me loving him so much.

So for me motherhood at least so far has been amazing, I don’t regret nothing and have learn so much!

Is now 2.57am so will finish this cause i can go on and on but the kid if finally sleep so should probably get some sleep too, I loved doing a free write I have no idea if I did it right but hey is a FREE write so I guess is whatever I want it to be, I will leave you know why a picture that makes me happy every time I see it.

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His smile is just my everything


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