Five plus five equals one [ A fiction]

Sometimes I get asked how I feel; They probably mean well and may even care but they never want the true answer. Not really.

I feel so alone, like dead summer grass on the prairie battered by winters icy breath. I roam the desert, a dry husk parched and thirsting. I'm adrift on unfamiliar seas, no compass, no direction, no tiller. I feel so alone, I reply inside my head. I feel so alone.

But I smile, a slight upturning of my lips; Action, no emotion and I say, I'm ok, thanks for asking, then move away before they push further. I can't stand it; The looks of sympathy, the whispers of concern behind my back - I want it to stop. I want them to go away, for it all to end...I want for you to come back...Or for me to be where you are.

I'm a shadow; Grey, lifeless and see through. It rains in my heart and there's a hollow void in my soul, a piece missing. You. I'm stripped bare, broken and unable to function...And yet the wheel turns its endless cycle, always forward...If only it would roll back to when I had you...If only I pulled your hand back towards me and kissed you that day...You would still be here with me, not gone. I want to be gone too.

I thought I heard your laugh yesterday and I turned but you weren't there. It happens more every day and every time I expect to see you but you're never there. I see you though, in everything, everywhere but most especially through the tears that constantly fall from my eyes; Through those glistening drops I see you clearly and so I want to cry. im src

It hurts, the pain of missing you, being alone and the memory of your touch which I'll never feel again. I sometimes raise a hand to brush a tear from my cheek hoping it may feel like your hand on my face...It never does and I cry some more hoping that emptying myself of those tears will somehow shed the pain of missing you - It doesn't. It never will.

---

Today is the day you left me - I remember the way you looked at me just before you went, those eyes of yours always made my heart race. I still hear the last words you said echo through my mind; They are etched in my there, carved like our names on a tree, an indelible mark upon my heart and soul that I cling to with every fibre of my being.

It's been 365 days, countless tears, sleepless nights and unrequited dreams of your return. I don't know how I've survived it and, if truthful, have not wanted to continue. But I've carried on. Alone. Lonesome. Wretched. Empty.

Five plus five equals one, you'd said as your hand slipped into mine and our fingers locked together.

I'd smiled at your reference to our entwined fingers - Five fingers plus fingers fingers makes ten fingers love, I had always said in reply to you but I didn't on this occasion as you'd kissed me right then. I didn't mind. I was lost and found, right where I wanted to be.

I live that moment over and over...I wish we had stayed in it for ten more seconds...

You smiled at me turned and stepped off the kerb, your hand in mine, arm outstretched pulling me along behind you but then I heard screeching tyres and couldn't feel your hand in mine anymore; It was torn away, there one moment and irretrievably gone the next. You were torn away and I'll never feel anything but pain and loss ever again. I died with you.

---

Sometimes I get asked how I feel; They probably mean well and may even care but they never want the true answer. Not really.

I want to die. To be where he is. I never say it aloud but it's the truth.

You were taken from me and with you went my heart and soul. With you went my present and future, my happiness, my love, desire and passion. Sometimes I wonder if you can hear me when I call your name; I like to think you can but I suppose not. I swear I can hear you calling out so clear though, I hear you say my name like you always did and when I close my eyes I can see your outstretched hand beckoning to me, hear your voice say five plus five equals one, and I want to come to you.

Today's track: They weren't there

You breathed infinity into my world
And time was lost up in a cloud and in a whirl.
We dug a hole in the cool grey earth and lay there for the night.