I know, this might be a bit of a strange question, but with the passing of my father a few days ago, these kinds of things have been on my mind and I generally like to explore, rather than avoid.
I am guessing that most of us have heard or considered the, "if you were to die tomorrow, would you be happy with the way you lived?" question, but I think it is more interesting to think about in relation to how we as individuals treat others, especially the ones we care about. This gets uncomfortable to explore in some cases as when at least I think about it, I know that I would have a sense of "should have" and then I have to think, why aren't I doing it now?
It is not that I am a terrible husband or father, but am I doing what I would have, knowing that time was so limited, or am I taking the time we have together for granted as if it will last forever?
I have asked a couple people various forms of this question the last few days and without exception, all would have some regrets based on their actions today - let alone in the past. This is kind of strange behavior thinking that we are acting knowing this, but perhaps we don't consider it much in the moments of life, as current events and emotions take our immediate attention and make us reactive, rather than reflective.
But this is about more than just the sudden outburst or "last words" before they are gone forever - would we be content with our average treatment of those we care about - or others for that matter? Is our daily default the kind of behavior that if we were standing from outside looking in, we would admire or, would we be ashamed in some way, regretful? I think a life without regrets in how we treat others is for the enlightened or the narcissists - and I do not think I have ever met someone enlightened.
Anyway, I am interested to know (for those who dare) what your thoughts are along these lines and if reflecting upon these kinds of things would have an effect on your behavior in some way. Reflection is a powerful part of the human imagination, but it is the most useful when we do it honestly - at least with ourselves.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
I guess as at the moment your posting this, i was having my own near death experience yesterday. If anyone bothered to observe they will notice i wasn't online yesterday, i only came online at night. I was going home to see a family member who was sick and had urinary retention for over 24hrs. I was called to examine and give my medical advice, so on my way home while driving with a friend we had an accident as our failed brake and ran into another car. There was a massive hit that the airbag pulped out, i slammed my head on the air bag and the gas from the airbag entered my eyes. It all happened in split seconds and i felt i was badly injured i couldn't see for like 30mins and i was in pain. I was taking to a nearby hospital where my faced was washed with normal saline, i was placed on bed rest with drip and analgesics. At that moment on these same thought came to me, ringing in my ears over and over again if i had lost my life or was badly would i have said i was happy with the life i have lived or if my friend had lost his life or was badly injured would i have said i have been fair to him. I couldn't get a clear answer in those moment so i dashed away the thought. As i was really happy that i and my friend were both alive without any serious injuries sustained
Wow, I hope you are feeling better today, but I am guessing you are still a bit sore and perhaps in some kind of shock.
I think many of us dash away the thoughts when they get uncomfortable, but once settled, perhaps it is good to reflect on them a bit and take a look around our world to see if we could maybe change for the better.
Take it easy and rest up.
!ENGAGE 25
Thanks very much....i think as you said i will just rest up and in my quite moment today i will just revisit those thoughts
ENGAGEtokens.Sorry for the loss of your dad Taraz. how are you holding up?
Well, with regards to your question, I think I'll be pretty satisfied with how I treated the person. However, sometimes I feel like if I made better choices along the way, I'd have been able to provide even better quality for my loved one.
So on one side, I'm doing my best with my current circumstance but on the other hand, I can't shake off the feeling that I should be doing more.
I am okay and I am pretty pragmatic with these things and had time to prepare. It is never a pleasant feeling though. thanks for asking.
We all do our best in the moment, as that is what we do - but looking back, with a little preparation we could have done better, so going forward - we should prepare for that :)
!ENGAGE 25
ENGAGEtokens.Truth is, we can't be totally completing with how we've treated someone especially in a situation where we lose that person and they're dear to us. In all honesty we will always feel a person dwarves better from us and this is as a result of the remorse we feel that we're losing them forever. Even if we did treat them okay we'd still feel we didn't. We only do our best and attaining the best level of treatment can be impossible.
Sorry for your loss, I hope you take the time to heal
Yes, but perhaps at times we can use this as an excuse to not try, not improve ourselves or our behavior toward others. We all do our best with what we have, but with a little thought and practice, we could have better tools to work with.
Thanks, I always take time to heal - it is part of why I write and engage :)
!ENGAGE 25
ENGAGEtokens.First, I am sorry for your loss.
Second...it's funny how this seems like such a valid question to ask yourself yet I haven't seen it anywhere else written like this before in my life.
And to answer your question thinking about it right in this moment... my answer is no, I would not be content with the way I treated the person I cared the most about. Not that I treated the person badly...it's just that I think that person deserves a much better treatment coming from me. :/
Thanks, it is appreciated.
I haven't seen it anywhere like this either, which is what made it interesting to consider for myself and thise I asked.
This is interesting to realise, isn't it? I wonder how many of us are in the same position.
!ENGAGE 25
ENGAGEtokens.Three years ago, my father died too. My father died with the certainty that I loved him beyond my bones. But if there's one thing he would have blamed me for now, it's prolonging his agony. I did my best to keep my father alive, even if he was intubated. I know that in that moment he took more of my pain than his pain and that I was very selfish. He who dies does not suffer, but rather rests. Those of us who remain in life suffer from missing that being that we will never again embrace or see. The heart knows when we are good and doing the right thing. I embrace you, @tarazkp. Greetings
That is something we avoided (special thanks to @galenkp) as it is definitely not what my father would have wanted. There is a cultural element to this as well where there are all measures taken to prolong life , but I don't agree. My father always said, he never wanted to be a vegetable, he'd rather die - and the entire family knew his wish.
It is never an easy decision though as no one wants to feel the sense of loss, nor feel they didn't do all they could.
hugs
!ENGAGE 25
ENGAGEtokens.This is one of the reasons why I nudge people when I'm under the impression they're going too far any given direction :)
Along those lines, a few years ago I figured "when I die I'm not going to give a toss about the state of the house, but I'm going to regret not giving my project a red hot crack forever" and that's what triggered me stopping my business and not caring about having a "spotless" or even neat house (it's mostly hygienic and stuff is out of the way and sometimes even organised but will never look like my parents' or inlaws' houses) and going hard on the project and that easily expanded to how I should be concentrating more on the kids and trying to remember how to be fun (because I got old and forgot).
Now I just need to find more time to spend on my partner and him likewise, we're catching a lot more quality seconds and sometimes even minutes now that he's working from home though XD
We're all probably doing way too much (another random thought that occurred to me after countless times complaining either internally or externally how there's never enough time in the day, and then wondering if there's not enough time or if I'm doing too much) but apparently propping up the economy at all costs is more important than anything else could ever hope to be.
I read this as "punch" ;D
Scope creep in the right direction, I would predict.
The economy is a trap for us all - we can't seem to live without it, but living with it sucks ass in its current form.
!ENGAGE 25
Punching only works if the direction you want someone to move is floorwards XD
Humans shouldn't scope, only projects, and even then XD
ENGAGEtokens.So very sorry for the passing of your father - doesn't matter how expected it was, it's a wrench and leaves a deep hole.
Your question is intriguing and I'd like to share my experience. I was diagnosed with terminal cancer at age 27 - told not to expect to see 30. I shall be 57 in November, despite 2 different cancer recurrences and 10 years in oncology.
When I moved to Thailand and changed the way I think-live-work, my dance with cancer ended and I vowed to make every day count - to live and love as if every day IS my last. Guess what?? A lot of people are really, really uncomfortable with it-me. They shy away from emotional intensity, and sidestep things I say that I'd rather were never left unsaid.
It takes profound courage to live with great abandon. And few people can stomach it - they find it all a little too confronting.
That said, the friends I do have are raw, amazing, real people - energetically clean and brave. The rest? Unfriend, delete, sidestep. LOL. Cos Life's too short. I know that better than most, and am the only surviving member (out of 12) "Young People With Cancer" support group.
LOVED this question.
Well done on the longer than expected life - I think dances with death generally lead to a better quality of life for many - at least that has been my own experience and perhaps why in respects to death, I am pretty pragmatic - I probably shouldn't be here either, according to doctors.
Do you think that this is part of the problem with the world today? - people have the ability to avoid all kinds of discomfort, so they can pad their walls and never feel pain - but it is inevitable, nothing in life is impermeable - everything has a lifecycle.
The irony of this is that people love to surround themselves with drama - but keep it at arms length. They want answers to tough questions, but don't have the curiosity to explore themselves or, have such a desire to protect their egos that they will not seek to prove themselves wrong.
Thanks for taking the time and sharing your experience. My mother passed at 59 to breast cancer, after being diagnosed 9 years earlier and told that with the surgery, she would maybe have two years. She didn't have the surgery and decided to do differently. While some will disagree, she took her life into her own hand - something we should all do more of.
!ENGAGE 40
ENGAGEtokens.Your mom sounds like my kind of woman!! After 10 years in oncology and listening the anaethetist talking about his ski holiday over me in the operating room, I decided enough was enough. I wanted to ski. I cancelled my health insurance, traveled, moved to Thailand and changed my thinking. 18 years fully clear this year - a few wobbles here and there but I can read the imbalances now and know how to fast and herbally medicate my way through the blips. I work with many dying people here in Thailand.
Yes, you're so right - the more drama people tend to subscribe to, the lass likely they re to be vulnerable, raw and real.
Dances with death are actually a rebirth for many, and when the real living starts. As well you know. ;)
I know it's been a very tough time for you and @galenkp. I hope you guys are good and healthy. <3
Here's my take on this though; Regretting and pressuring oneself, about some action in the past in my opinion is some how self abusing. The past, we cannot touch. And if we want to change an action, first thing we need is to be aware of it. Just like you said, we need to be able to look at it from outside and analyze it. You see, humans are creatures of habit, many things that we do are just a combination of many habits that have formed all through out our lives, and many of them actually are very hard to manipulate as it's been carved into our DNAs.
When we get to see them from an outsider view only then we can try to plan out a solution and a new habit that would take the place of the old one. The book ''The power of HABIT'' did explain a lot to me about why we do what we do. :)
We are doing okay. One of the benefits of this has been that we have connected more as a family.
I agree, punishing ourselves for the past is an abuse, looking forward and making changes to improve in the future is preparation for a better life, an investment into ourselves. Habits are a very good example of how automatic our lives can be when lived on default settings, often defaults gained in childhood without much thought as to why we do what we do.
I haven't read the book, but habits fascinate my thoughts :)
!ENGAGE 25
It's great to hear that your family is more united and closer now, that's what you guys need the most right now. <3
It's a great read man! I'm sure you'd like it. :)
ENGAGEtokens.I am sorry for the loss of your father!
I think we all have the same thoughts when loved ones passed. When my mom passed, I wondered was a good daughter? Did I spend enough time with her? Would she be proud? 10 yrs later and I still wonder the same things.
I ask myself the same questions with my father who I try to see as often as possible since we live so far apart and he has medical issues. Time with him is precious to me and even if I spend every minute with him, I wonder of it is enough?
We all do our best and hope it is enough.
Thanks.
I wonder if there is ever enough time and part of living is working out where our time is best spent. I know someone who spent their whole life looking after their mother, only to miss out on living their own life. I wouldn't want my daughter to do that for me.
!ENGAGE 20
ENGAGEtokens.I used to think I was not having regrets until that accident happened. That kind of life changing event simply can't be imagined or simulated in the head, even thought I used to imagine catastrophes regularly as a kid and a teen. I certainly wish I did things differently and am trying to change now, but feeling tired regularly really makes it hard. I'm certainly trying to evaluate how I use my time more often and if I'm wasting it. Worrying that I might lose someone next to an accident is simply counter productive. Some people might be motivated, but anxiety is the very opposite. Sorry for rambling, got a bit emotional.
Again, I'm so sorry for your loss :(
Living in fear of loss weighs heavy on us and stops us from investing into moving forward - always waiting in fear, never pulling the trigger. It is good to be patient, but that is an active position with intention - whereas waiting might be just holding oneself in fear.
I can understand the rambling -I do it all the time! :)
Hope you are well today.
!ENGAGE 20
Thank you :) I'm good, taking more rest and personal time.
Take care
ENGAGEtokens.Sorry about your loss. I have loved my parents and relatives as humanly possible. I have never offended, disrespect, or neglect them, at least purposefully.
I lost my father some 5 years ago. I did everything I could to make him proud. Always respected him, even when he became a bag of bones who could not move or talk. He had a hard and sad end.
My mother is still alive and we do not see each other very often because of our crisis, aggravated by the pandemic. However, I have made sure to show her my love, undrtansing, and respect. If she died now, we'd have no regrets.
My regrets are related to material things. I was unable to provide for them some "perks" every parent in our culture expect form their children especially if they went to college. Our country changed in such a way our degrees became useless. Financially I have done very poorly and was never able to take hem on vacation or get for them the things they needed at some point.
Never did they complain about it. They are that Noble, but as children, we can't help questioning our performance in that department.
It is a difficult situation when there are financial (cultural) expectations from parents, as I think it is starting children from a position of debt before they have the understanding or life experience to make the decisions for themselves - a type of indoctrination that will inevitably lead to feelings of falling short and guilt for most.
But, this is much of the world today, much of what we have created and supported.
Your parents likely never complained because they had a better understanding of what life means and wanted the best for their children. The best an't be saddled with debt, can it? The best has to look for freedom of activity - even if it will never be completely untethered.
!ENGAGE 20
ENGAGEtokens.I lost my dad many years ago and hadn't spoken to him in a very long time. We tended to let things drift when possibly they should have been fixed. We both new we loved each other but it could have been said more. I have some regrets as to how our relationship was and I am there for my kids now. We learn and move on and try and do things better.
"I said I loved you once, if things change, I will let you know" :)
Better is all we can really aim for in this life, and it is going to mean something different for each of us. In general, if we all aim and act toward better, the entire world improves - decentralized incremental development.
Hope you are well mate.
!ENGAGE 15
ENGAGEtokens.I understand what you mean. We may often regrets for not doing the things that we could after someone close is not longer around. The need to cherish the present rather than regret the past. A lesson that we can learn is to cherish those who are still with us.
!tip
I agree. I think the daily fast life we live makes it difficult to see the lasting lives we cherish only when gone.
!ENGAGE 25
ENGAGEtokens.Well, I would be content because, I have always given my best to everyone in the near and dear at my capacity. So nothing to regret - just move on.
Technically, we all do our best, but that doesn't actually mean we couldn't do better in the next moment having considered it. Capacity can change, some grow, some become incapacitated. Acceptance and moving on is important.
!ENGAGE 25
ENGAGEtokens.It's official how I now look forward to your posts everyday.
My mum once said something to me, she said most of the times the people that cry the most at the passing of a love one is not necessarily out of grief or pain but actually of regret because they know they could have done more or been around more but they didn't and that has stuck with me till now. Because of this I make sure to always make does that matter actually know they matter not just by words but with actions no matter how little.
I feel guilty that I get to learn alot from your loss and experience. So sorry for your loss once again.
It is the small things that matter and it takes learning what matters to the person, not you. It is kind of like buying a gift - some people buy a gift that they like for somebody - some people buy a gift that the recipient will like.
You should never feel guilty for learning! Thanks again
!ENGAGE 25
Thank you. I really appreciate it all.
ENGAGEtokens.I'm very sorry for your loss! In response to your question, I would say "Yes". I've made a conscious effort to try to be kind and treat people fairly. Once you're in your forties people around you begin to leave you and it forces you to experience how fragile life really is. In cases where I realize I haven't treated people well in the past I've tried to make amends.
Thanks, it is appreciated.
Wisdom comes with experience, which is often brought by age :)
Making amends can't be done in the past ,so it is a pay it forward scenario where we have learned that we do indeed owe a debt to many more than we recognize.
Thanks for taking the time
!ENGAGE 25
ENGAGEtokens.Hmm tough question ... I always try to think back in the past and learn my lessons. I made mistakes. I have hurt people and they have hurt me. I do have some regrets, but I can't change the past, I can only focus on what I am and what I do now with a vision towards the future. I am sure I would beat myself up for a while, until I would realize that at that precise moment I did the best I could do with what I was back then. Today I am different, tomorrow I will not be the same as today. It is hard to make peace with it because if they die, you no longer have the chance to make things right again. You are stuck with a rock in the mouth unable to swallow or to speak. I think we can fix things up easier when we let go of our ego. Not easy.
Your question makes me realize that me and everybody should use today as it's the last day and try to repair connections and be kind with those we love. You never know when they will be gone.
I would not be 100% content and it's hard to admit. This is due to my perfectionism too. I guess it is better to find a balance and not beat yourself up. I would channel my energy towards those who are still living and try to make it right with them. It would be the best option. Starting today
And then...
The tomorrow position should be approached with intention, carrying the lessons of today. continual improvement starts with us and can go a very long way.
I am pretty practical in this regard, the living take precedence.
Thanks for taking the time on a tough question :)
!ENGAGE 25
We can only look forward and that's it. Unless somebody makes a time travelling machine, we are given only today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is just a possibility.
It was not an easy question, it made me see things from a perspective of time
!ENGAGE 15
I think that we often have issues in this area, where we confuse the past, present and future and also get our actions out of alignment - we want to be somewhere tomorrow, but aren't doing what we need to do today to get there, because we are using the habits of yesterday.
Oh yes. So true.
!ENGAGE 10
ENGAGEtokens.ENGAGEtokens.My answer is yes but first my condolences.
I've learned a valuable lesson years ago when I lost my mother after a year and a half of battle. I have learned that after a dear person passes, you're left with your conscience and that is for life. What you do for people during their life is that counts. You can bring a sea of flowers to their grave but that doesn't change anything and won't ease your conscience if you did something you shouldn't or you didn't do something you should. I knew that before my mom passed and did everything and even more to make her comfortable.
Better do everything you can while they are alive and treat everyone as if this would be your or their last day as you never know. It hurts to lose someone you love the most, but at least you know you did everything you could.
Thank you.
I think a lot of people tend to do this these days, create events out of funerals to make themselves feel like they cared - but it is too late. It ends up being to comfort the living ego - as the passed no longer cares.
This is how we should live our lives in general - do everything we could.
Thanks for taking the time and sharing about your mother - I hope that the thoughts brought back of those times were good.
!ENGAGE 25
ENGAGEtokens.Regrets are common to all, especially when it comes to events that can no longer be fixed. You need to have a very developed level of self-awareness so that over time, stop looking back.
Looking forward is great, as long as the eyes are toward development for the better :)
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Great thoughtful phrase indeed. Then, I must be one enlightened or a plain narcissist. Because I certainly have no remorse or regrets whatsoever as for how I treated everyone alive in my surroundings.
However, I think the great little secret for this, is simply having acted all your life guided by the deepest love and authenticity of those who know themselves fully in all their human dimension.