Selfish

The last time I saw my father was in early March prior to the flu-scenario kicking off; The government shut down nursing homes and access has been restricted since. I saw him today though, spoke to him on a video-chat set up by the lifestyle-coordinator at the facility. He looked, well I guess he looked like he was ailing, because he is.

My father has a raft of medical issues including dementia, prostate cancer, failing kidneys and blocked arteries. He is not in a very good way right now and, at 84 years old at the end of this month, is fading. I'm not looking for answers to his medical condition of course, just stating the facts.

A little while ago restrictions were lifted and visitors were welcomed back into the facility, his nursing home, however only under the requirement that those visitors held a certificate of proof of having had the winter flu-shot. My wife and I refuse to do so.

This motivation doesn't come from a simple refusal to do what we are told to do though, it comes from my doctor who refuses to take the flu shot also, as does his wife (also a doctor) and their kids. Knowing he refused it was good enough for me. So, no flu shot for the G-dog. Faith's doctor also refuses it.

In conversation recently someone told me that I was being a little selfish about it and that I should have the shot so I can see my dad. I understand their logic however it didn't make me rush off to get the flu shot.

My dad doesn't recall who I am, a typical symptom of dementia of course. He has been able to recall intermittently in the last 8-10 months but only usually when prompted. It hasn't stopped us from seeing him but since the flu thing we've not had that opportunity and Faith and I made the decision not to, due to not taking the flu shot. Seeing him would be more for us than him in any case.

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I guess I could be judged for this, however it doesn't mean I don't care, have washed my hands of the situation and forgotten about my dad. You see, I deal with my dad's situation almost daily. Calls from the nursing home and his doctors about his latest fall, failure to eat, wound on his leg that won't heal, trips to hospital, despondency, weight-loss, blood-discharge, new medication and any number of other challenges. All negative, horrible and emotionally-draining calls...Nothing ever positive. One of those calls will the one to let me know he has gone, so every time I see the number on my phone I have that to think about as well. As I said, negative.

This scenario has been made worse in the last few months with the inability to go and visit - Times in which we could at least find some positivity to share with him, but that's been my choice I guess.

I went through the same when my mum died at the age of 59 after a battle with cancer. I was there with her when the doctor told her she had 12 months to live, through treatments and eventual palliation, miserable demise and death. The G-dog was there to deal with and absorb all the hurtful, emotional negativity with the view to make her end as comfortable as possible. It was horrible, her end, and that process.

And here I am once again, doing the same for my dad.

I am the only member of my family here with the rest spread around the globe so they are unable to support me; A condition I've never really complained about, not outside the recess of my own head anyway. They simply cannot be here and I don't blame them for it.

I'll admit that I got a little annoyed at that individual who called me selfish though. However, in reality, even with that person it's maybe not all their fault I guess, their cluelessness I mean.

You see, unless you have gone through this, you don't know. You simply have no idea. You may think you do but unless you have gone through what I have you will never know what I feel, how difficult it has been and what residual things lie within me, and will until the day I my own end. You don't know. So, selfish? Come on. Really? I want to throat punch that person.

My mum was 59 when she died. My wife's dad was 33, both from cancer. Faith's mum survived cancer last year, but is at the hospital again as I type this in fact; Last year was a terrible year for Faith and I for that reason.

I've dealt with my father's situation since 2004 when mum died and he began his decline. Not just emotionally and physically, but financially as well. Even when my business partner ran off with one million dollars of my money and I was financially ruined I funded my dad, along with all the other things we've done...That two-year period almost cost me my life - Thanks business partner...So yeah, maybe I am selfish for trying to preserve some fond memories of how my dad used to be, and am selfish for caring a little about my own health by choosing not to have the flu shot. But...

You know what? I know I'm actually not. I know my behaviour, the things I have done, are unimpeachable and that when my dad goes, he will be with my mum and they can judge me collectively. I will know that I have done everything in my power to care for him as I did with my mum and I think that's all I can ask of myself.

I didn't say any of this to that person who so harshly judged me as selfish. Maybe someday they will find out what they don't know, and were wrong to judge...There's only one way for that to happen though, and that's for them to go through what I have.

I'm sorry, this isn't my best work...I'm not in the best of moods. I feel like punching something someone.

Now might be a good time to go tell the people you value that you value them...One never knows when that won't be possible.

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Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised.

Be well
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