Small moment

in OCD3 years ago

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I went through the photos looking for a specific one, my dad and myself on a cliff overlooking the ocean at a place in the south-east of my State. It was taken when I was about eight or nine, I can't recall the year exactly, just that I was a little kid. We were on a family holiday and had spent the day driving about in the family car and looking at things around the sleepy beachside location. There's not many photos from back then, but I needed to find this particular one so spent several hours going through big boxes of photo's I've saved to find it.

Earlier that day I had a moment, a small moment.


I was thinking about my dad. He passed away last July and whilst he was at peace in the end I was not. I'd taken care of him over his last ten years and I did the best I could but I still went through the process of wondering if I had done enough for him. He didn't know me at the end, he suffered dementia, and I didn't get to see him much before he died as the pandemic situation prevented me from accessing his nursing home. It was all a little uncomfortable and had I done enough was a thought that had immediately come to mind.

I came across the camera in the photo above the other day. It was dad's, a memento or keepsake from his own youth, and one I kept with the intention of passing it to my niece or nephew someday, dad's grandchildren.

It made me think of dad and my life spent with him as his son. It seemed a good life and he used to say that a lot; that he was content with the life he made, the children he had and the love of the woman he married, my mum. It used to make me feel guilty when he said that though; I wasn't always the best child - not wayward - just somewhat mischievous.

I've thought a lot about that over the last year, about the trouble I must have caused him, and I've felt very guilty. Sure I was just a kid but I'm not now and I see some of my actions as reprehensible. That's what my small moment was about; the fact I can't apologise to my father for some of the things I did that must have hurt him a great deal.

The photo I was looking for was taken on one such occasion.

On that family trip we'd come to some cliffs over looking the ocean. I, in my infinite wisdom, was tempting fate by getting close to the edge and looking over; I've always been inquisitive. My dad was beside himself with worry of course, and kept telling me to come back from the edge, that it might cave in. Of course, me being me, didn't listen.

For some stupid reason, I thought it would be a good idea to go right up to the edge of that cliff and lark about and pretend to fall off. My first attempt was quite good. My dad freaked out. I mean, he must have thought I was going to fall to my death. He ran over and I beamed up at him like a little idiot. His face though...I can still see it now; I saw true fear in his eyes, sheer horror at the thought of me going over.

He spent the next half hour or so telling me not to go near the edge and I spent that time going to the edge pretending to fall off and teasing him about the might cave in thing. My father was beside himself, probably pretty angry too, whilst I thought it was a huge joke. Funny to me at the time. Now? I'm ashamed of myself.

I'll never have children of my own and will never know what he must have felt that day, and other days when I did stupid things. How I survived my childhood I do not know. I can imagine how he felt though. He was a patient and kind man, generous to a fault and very caring - I can only imagine how my antics left him feeling. Terrible I'd say.

I felt so ashamed of myself the other day, remembering that day on the cliffs all those years ago, and so remorseful of my actions; the actions of a dumb little kid.

It wasn't until March this year that I remembered that day. I was talking about children with someone as she'd had a similar thing happen to her with her own son - A scare. I remember getting a little choked up on the phone with the memory of how I disrespected my dad and the understanding of how I must have made him feel. Naturally I attempted to squash it down but it hurt though and made me feel terribly ashamed of my poor behaviour that day.


I never found the photo I was looking for and in my small moment I didn't find the ability to forgive myself for my actions many years earlier either. I regret not apologising to my dad for that, and all of my other stupidity. He'd never have expected it of course, maybe he forgot the entire incidence soon after it had happened, however I wish I'd done so.

I moved on from my small moment in time and am back to feeling pretty good, no worse than usual. I know I'm fortunate to have had the sort of role model I did in my dad; He was the sort of man I'll never be. I know he would not have held it against me that I was a stupid kid sometimes, like most. I also understand that he knew what I did for him later in life, to some degree anyway. I'm a reflection of him now; his legacy lives on in me and my thoughts and deeds. I feel like I'm a good person mostly and I have him to thank for that. I just wish I had the chance to do so right now, and apologise for being a ratbag kid.

When you rise in the morning, give thanks for the light, for your life, for your strength. Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason to give thanks, the fault lies in yourself

Tecumseh



Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind

Discord: galenkp#9209

image is mine

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Boomie has already said pretty much said this, but as a parent I can guarantee you that things you did as a child need no forgiving. I've had my girls bring up and apologise for something I barely even remembered and most certainly never held against them. I wouldn't have even thought about it again had they not mentioned it. My sister was a rebel, my eldest pushed some boundaries, but I guarantee you they are still loved unconditionally.

If you wish to apologise for your own peace of mind, then you should. I know your father would likely say something along the lines of it being a funny memory and so like you.

Wise words from a wise and in tune woman. Thank you. I can hardly imagine those daughters of yours doing something they need to apologise but I guess they're human like the rest of us. Most of us. 😬

I think for me it's the fact he's gone and I don't have the opportunity to say anything to him that is the hardest. That cliff-debacle is probably less the issue. I think it's quite normal to feel this way. Maybe.

Thanks for your comment and perspective as a parent.

I think we probably all have things we wish we'd said to loved ones when we had the chance. Something we need to come to terms with, perhaps. One of life's many lessons...

I often wish I'd asked my grandmother more about her experiences during the war and indeed after when she lived in England as a German after the countries had been on conflicting sides. She must have encountered some discrimination, but never mentioned it to us.

Yeah, I think that's common. At the time we don't think of it, but later, and older, it becomes a thing. Sad really.

Parents don't need apologising for the daft kid things. The moment is over and it is one that they will put down to the madness of kids.. even as you say to the point of forgetting all about it, the moment becoming just an escapade they will shake their head at because everything was ok in the end. It will have been the same for him. We all look back and feel shame over some things and wish things could have been said or been different. It's my dad's birthday this week and all I can do is run over the things that should have been said and done but weren't. The misery of his last four five months. But in the end I can smile and know that if he actually could hear my thoughts he would laugh and tell me to fucking behave myself. He works probably be right :0)

You're right of course, and I know it myself, but thanks for saying so, it's good to hear it.

Pretty hard time for you this week, I know man. It's the could have or should have been said/done differently thing that niggles right? I have that obviously, but one can only smile and recall those we don't have with us any longer with fondness. I guess the other stuff often melts away when they depart. Not always, but in our cases I think.

Trust the Boomeister to come out with such wisdom. (Or is it steemyboom?)

Boomsteem!! ;0)

Lol. Sorry, could not resist that.

Haha, it cracks me up :0)

Touching! Haven't we all done dumb things while growing up, thinking we knew better? I remember the silly things I'd done and shake my head at myself, thankful that patental love overlooked them.

With age sometimes comes maturity but not everyone realizes when and how they have gone wrong. You have and that makes it all better.

Like Tecumseh rightly said, be thankful that you had your dad as a father and a role model. Be thankful that you are a reflection of him now; his legacy lives on in you, your thoughts and deeds. 🙂

Thanks Kemmy, I appreciate your comment.

You're right, kids sometimes just don't know better, point in case, my story above. I've had many head-shake moments as an adult looking back at my younger days. Clearly I still do.

I can't go back and make things right. All those things, everything in my life has brought me to be the man sitting here typing this comment. [G-dog shrugs] I am what I am, good, bad and all the things in the middle. That's who we all are I guess.

I lost my Dad at a young age (I was 20, he 42). Carried much baggage over it for years.
So, talk to him now and apologize if you haven't. Here's how. Find a nice quiet time and place, doesn't take long, doesn't require prep. In a safe place, close your eyes, take a couple deep breaths, and Go back to those memories as an observer, but as if present at your current age. Play the scene back a little, then step back to your current age and apologize. Maybe even have an additional little conversation and see what he says to you (and pay attention this time).

Maybe as some people believe, our soul lives on. Sometimes our loved ones hanging about a bit, sometimes moving on to the next life right away. Either way, have you ever called or emailed someone long distance and had them or yourself say, "Wow, I was just thinking about you"? We are all connected in this universe, (and the next) for those that believe.

Or maybe as some people believe, when a body dies, it just dies. In that case, going through the mental exercise will still have a base in reality to your subconscious brain. Ever wake up from a nightmare with your heart beating fast and your body tense? Our subconscious brain does not know the difference between reality and dreams or imagery, it only knows what it experiences. Let your conscious brain let go the drivers seat for a bit, let your subconscious experience a few moments with your Dad, even if the responses are not real, they are based on the memories of your Dad and the responses your subconscious knows that would be true to his real patterns. The ones your subconscious memorized, not the ones your conscious mind made up.

I'd be interested to hear the outcome of your exercise and any interesting advice he has for you now.

Enjoy!
K

I recall you lost your dad young; that's a whole other thing to deal with for sure.

I'm not going to say too much here about your comment other than to say thank you for writing it. I'll be reading it again tomorrow and taking some actions based around it. I know some of your history as far as who you've worked with so I understand what you're saying here.

Thanks mate, I'll be sure to give you some feedback.

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I see some comments from others.. but not this one..

As a father myself, and the "golden child" (if you ask my 2 older brothers), I certainly had my devilish moments as well. Many I am reliving now as a parent. One in particular I recently apologized to my mom about - for being a terrible kid with going to bed at night.

I specifically remember getting up multiple times each night (because as the youngest, I wanted to be awake.. my older brothers were awake, my parents were awake, why not me too!? I wasn't asleep yet or tired, just let me stay up!).

Currently, my children are going through a similar situation- getting out of bed, calling for mommy and daddy, and fighting just going ....... to sleep.

I can share other examples, but this one is vividly in my mind (as I hear a child screaming for me right now).... Where was I?... Ah yes..

No matter what happened, your father loved you. If anything, the fact that you can reflect on these moments and feel guilty or remorseful - that would possibly be the proudest moment for your father. Not the apology, not the remorse, but the self-realization. The accountability. That's the best feeling that we can get as a parent - knowing that some of the values that we tried, and tried, and tried...... And tried, and tried ... I could go on for days, weeks, months, years, but maybe you get the point? :)
The values stuck.
That's a proud moment for a parent. Not the apology. Not "doing what you're told", but actually knowing that a child has learned and is applying the life lessons and values that we try so hard to instill in our children.

You're doing alright 👍 and I think that your dad would be proud of who you are today!

Oh thanks man, such a great comment, heartfelt and personal. It means a lot.

I think you're right, about the fact my parents would be proud of the way I turned out and how I learned from all my fuckassery back in the day. I had a pretty decent upbringing, meaning my parents were mostly good role models and I was raised with good (family) values. I really looked forward to passing that on to my own but that wasn't to be. So, I'll be the bad-uncle to @smallsteps and let @tarazkp deal with it as the parent. Lol.

The values stuck

This is a good point and I'm really pleased you took the time to say it. It's is something I'll remember and use down the track, personally and with those I work with as mentor. It's an excellent point.

And lastly? Serves you right bro, your kids are giving you a taste of what you did...Well deserved probably. 😂

Hey, thanks man.

And lastly? Serves you right bro, your kids are giving you a taste of what you did...Well deserved probably. 😂

Haha, yeah. I think it's fair to say this is Karma 🙂

In all reality, if the children interrupting my sleep is my worst problem as a parent, I will consider my job as a success 👍 🙏

The best part about being "bad uncle" is that you get to be an influence on your niece's life (good or bad) and then just pass her back to @tarazkp! Also, you can still pass on the learnings and values from your parents- just like I'm sure @tarazkp is trying to do .. sometimes the crazy uncle (or aunt) can get through when the parents can't.

Cheers 🍻

"You know what Uncle @galenkp did? - Don't do that!"

Haha, yep karma indeed. Still, I'm sure you do a good job with them, the best you can.

Lucky for tarazkp he lives in Finland and I'm in Australia. The bad-uncle influence is passed on only via WhatsApp video chats...I do my utmost to instill bad habits in her that he'll have to break! 🤪

She's a good kid in truth, smart and cheeky. Like I was. Well, I was cheeky at least.

That disconnect is a normal kid thing. When you're a kid, bad things can never happen to you because you're stronger and faster and smarter than everyone else with reactions like lightning when this this happens you'll "just" do that.

And also with kids the age you say you were at the time, they don't always have a sense of context and some things simply wouldn't occur to them, like in your case you were "just having fun" and were probably developmentally incapable of realising that it was mind bogglingly idiotic and dangerous and that you were scaring your dad half to death.

don't mind me I'm reminded of my youngest doing very similar things because he had no sense of self preservation til he was like 10 or 11 x_x

So while you're feeling stupid and ashamed of your past terrible behaviour (trust me I've been there and done that too x_x sorry parents!) take comfort in the fact that if you were that young you may not have been developmentally capable of comprehending anything outside what you specifically wanted/were determined to do at that point in time, and also that you grew out of it (some people don't seem to DX) :)

If it's really bugging you that much, just apologise now.

Also if your dad said it was a good life, it must have been a good life.

[random hugs if you feel like it]

ps you're going to find that photo when you least expect it and not remember what you needed it for ;D

were probably developmentally incapable of realising that it was mind bogglingly idiotic and dangerous

I get this...But...Umm, what if, err...Someone was to be doing these dumbass things at say, [thinks of random number] 51? 😆

If it's really bugging you that much, just apologise now.

@ksteem offered the same advice. It was good.

Thanks for the comment Ry, it was nice to hear from you and with such valid sensible stuff. See? We can be adults after all!

If you're still doing things like cavorting around cliff edges (and you're not rock climbing or one of those crazy photographers who risks life and limb for that epic shot) you might need to sit down and have a good think about that XD

Thinking isn't always my forte.

Dope dope dope wrote up

But you were a stubborn child.

Now your post is making me feel a little guilty about my intentional stubbornness towards my mom

Funny thing is I am just an only child and that makes it worse.

I guess its time for me to retrace my steps and be that goof child

I liked the closing quote. We owe it to ourselves to be thankful.

Thank you for sharing.

Not so much stubborn, more mischievous. Maybe a little stubborn, but that helped me later in life I guess.

I think what could be learned from situations like mine here is the importance of saying what we feel when we feel to those we value.

Thanks for your comment and thoughts.

I think things like these are common during childhood but parents don't take them on their heart even if they take it differently at face value. I don't even remember how many times my parents especially my father cautioned me or even, you know what I mean although he was dead against corporal punishment.

Yeah, parents have a way of accepting what their kids do I suppose. I did some stupid things and they kept me around so it worked out.

I know he would not have held it against me that I was a stupid kid sometimes, like most. I also understand that he knew what I did for him later in life, to some degree anyway. I'm a reflection of him now; his legacy lives on in me and my thoughts and deeds. I feel like I'm a good person mostly and I have him to thank for that.

I think, no father hold against their kids unless the kids try to hurt them directly - unfortunately, we realize only when we become father and its always true across generations.

Thanks for your comment. I'm not a parent so am probably a little clueless in some matters. I was a son though and had a pretty good dad; I suppose that's why I feel so bad about a few things I could have done differently.

I lost my Dad a month ago and I have such moments ever so often. It's the wondering if he actually knew just how much I loved and appreciated him. I did try to show it as often as possible. He definitely would not have held it against you.

I'm sorry to hear this, my condolences.

I think it's normal to have thoughts like this although the good memories tend to take over I guess. We take our departed loved ones wherever we go through our memories and so in a sense they're not really gone.

Thanks for your message and again, my condolences on your loss.

Boom said it and I agree. I think of the things I should have said and done, but, didn't. I hope my kids don't waste their time angsting over things like I did. As an aside, I am over it. I know that my parents know my heart, I have shown it in other things I have said and done.

As for the foolishness of when I was younger, I am pretty sure my parents laughed at it behind my back.

Sorry I have misssed so much, I have had a infection in my tooth. :( Oh, misery.

Yeah, I guess they probably did. I know what I'm like when I see kids getting into it; I laugh, the parents do not, until later.

Thanks for your kind words and for dropping by, I figured you were busy or away somewhere.

I was back at the shore, power washing the house until the pain of one of my molars came out of nowhere. :(

It'll get there. Sorry I missed all the fun.

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Hey! That's my job for when I come and house sit it! It's ok though, you can do it. I'll just laze around and do bugger all.

I love those wooden houses; so much character. But, quite a lot of work. It looks really cool. I hope you're deploying the safety first ethos with that ladder though. You know most injuries happen around the house, and as a man who not long ago fell off my roof...Well, care should be taken.

Hehehe... It is cleaning up pretty well, and I hire a lot of the big work out. The other stuff is busy work and with Covid, I still have free time to do it. My kids really love the house and the ocean there. Plus, the wild ponies are close by.

It will be much nicer when the screens are back on and the windows cleaned and the shutters on. Shutters are all painted already. The inside has been restored almost and I am thinking I might redo the kitchen. They broke the oven and that is a good enough excuse to redo it as I did it inefficiently the first time. It will be a winter project.

I am extremely careful and my brother who lives four doors down from here (at the shore) just fell off a ladder at work- flat onto his back. Let me just say he is in a world of hurt and needs surgery. :/

It sounds like a nice project. Here I am getting excited about there being a strawberry on one of my plants and you're doing a whole house. :)

Your bro lives a few doors down? Ok, I'll remember that. No loud parties...(As if I'm the loud party dude.) Lol.

Four doors here means a mile or so. My blackberry plant excited me. It's the little things.

Always.

How is your back as of late? I couldn't believe that happened. :(

It's always a little problematic to be honest; a lasting gift from years of heavy packs and equipment and abusing it. I played American football for ten years also. Didn't help. I tend to go ok though, it flares up now and then and I suffer. Other than that, I'm fighting fit. (Hmm, maybe I should just say fighting)

Make sure you keep those muscles around the injuries in good condition to support them. You need to take good care of yourself, back pain is the worst.!

I ask you, how could anyone live in a house that looked that dirty? Of course, it will be painted too.

I figured, houses like that need attention, always. My brother lives in what's called a Queenslander. Like your house but built on stilts. It's a Far North Queensland thing and they're rarely seen outside of that State. Like this sort of thing. Constant work.

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Oh, yes!! That is sweeeet! I really like it. It is a lot of work, but, much of it is hired out. It is still enjoyable right now and until the pandemic is over, I will be keeping the house to have a getaway. The kids like it too and It's fun to have a bunch of young people there on some of the off weekends.

Besides, they go fishing and crabbing and pic up mussels and clams. Who doesn't love a seafood fest?

Okay. I am officially jealous. What a house full of complexities. Love it!

I remember losing my dad around 2018 and all I regretted not saying I loved him and sorry. I wasn't lucky to have pictures of him and me and it sucks to this day.

Yes, that's a difficult situation indeed. I think you have memories though and it's those memories that allow you take your father everywhere you go. I'm sure he knew how much he meant to you.

Hopefully, he did. I never did know how to show emotions properly

Showing emotion is difficult at times. I'm not sure there's a proper way of doing it, just your way. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Indeed, I trust those who do so a little more than those who do not.