In a frame of redundancy

in OCD4 years ago

The last couple days have been been a little bit disjointed from a family perspective and at the same time, there has been a flurry of activity around the house, with 4 groups of tradespeople working in different areas of the house, and the window group working all over the house. Other than a small case of dyslexia on the sizing of one window where two numbers were mixed up, all the windows have been changed over now and after the painting work is completed at the end of the month, they will do the finishing on the outer frames. The looks have changed.

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A good friend called me today to offer his condolences on my father's passing and it reminded me of the last time I saw my father face to face. In this respect, I am both lucky and unlucky - I am lucky that I get to remember him as he was, 9 years ago, healthy, laughing, joking around challenging people to silly little competitions, as he did all his life. However, although I know this is not how has been at all for a long time, it also feels strange to have that memory of him pass, as after all, he is healthy in my head.

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It is funny how the mind plays little tricks on me and tries to warp reality to fit its own perspective into the frame. Of course, none of us can have all the information but our brains do tend to focus poorly on what actually concerns us and often, it is drawn to what makes it feel good or, what is attractive and compelling. Like the rejected terrible singer from a reality show hearing the criticism, "I have never heard anyone like you, it was terrible" and telling others that the judges said, "I have never heard anyone like you" as if it is a positive statement. Anything to protect the ego.

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Little mental tricks that make us feel better about ourselves, to feel that we gave it our best shot. It is a type of protection and security, but deep down me might feel the truth, that we could have done more. However, we might feel that truth without it actually being true as well, where we feel we should have or could have done more, even if we actually did do the best we possibly could have done. Maybe we are generally hard-wired to feel we are lacking.

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I know for me, I could have done more for my father in many ways and while I have plenty of reasons why I didn't, they feel like plenty of excuses. Especially right now. I do know that I will never get the opportunity to say anything to my father again, but I also know that he knew I loved him and he understood and encouraged that we should each make our path in life, even if it means being apart from those we care about.

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As a parent myself now, I am dreading doing the same for my daughter, but the same I will. The chances of her leaving home and living away from her parents is high, as not only is she a dual mother-tongue speaker, the world is changing and it is likely that the opportunities available will require mobility. Also, she is the child of an immigrant who is a child of an immigrant, who was a child of an immigrant.

At least four generations of immigrants and four different countries. While none were well off, all managed to make a place for themselves in their adopted country and be a core part of the community. A lot of people think immigrants move for a better life and think that means an easier life, which is not the case at all. It is hard starting from scratch, even harder in a foreign country with no backup, no network, no friends, no family. It can be very hard work to get anywhere and, there is no safety net for the setbacks.

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I never fully appreciated this side of my dad's life until I moved to Finland and felt it for myself, felt what it is to work harder than most for less, while simultaneously being looked upon as a freeloader - and this is now, not the 1960s. As someone rightly said the other day though about me, I don't actually mind these kinds of challenges, I see it as being able to overcome and pull out the other side without having to be scarred by the experience. I know that my dad faced a lot in his life, I know that he was also the most accepting and forgiving of others, no matter the slights or attacks against him.

It takes a special person not to hold a grudge, to accept the slap on the cheek and turn to be open to the next. Perhaps he was able to do this with so much ease as for him, there were more important things to spend energy on than limiting opportunity in order to protect his own ego. Perhaps he did it because he was protecting others, taking the slap for them and proving himself so they will have a smoother path, more opportunity in their own lives. Maybe this is why he encouraged everyone including his children to explore the world, be curious and question life - even though he knew that in order to do so, he would be left alone - redundant.

I see this in myself and while it pains me to do so, my goal as a parent is to make myself redundant to the extent that my daughter will need nothing from me, that she is truly independent and able to explore her world without having to worry what I might think of the choices she makes. It is my job to raise her so that when she goes into life, she is debt free, that she owes me nothing at all. She may choose to spend her time with me, she might feel grateful for her parents - but there will never be anything to repay.

If I get to that point, I will consider my parenting job done and then I can be grateful for my daughter spending time with me, because she wants to, not because she feels some kind of obligation because I raised her. There is no Return on Investment for a dad, other than perhaps the sense of accomplishment in doing a job so well, it no longer needs to be done.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]

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Amanda says I dance like I've never danced before.
It isn't a compliment.
Parent child obligations go one way. I firmly believe our only obligations are ones we've consented to.
Getting married - consent.
Having children - consent.
Being born - no consent.

Dance like no one is watching in horror.

I agree, there is only an obligation one way - unfortunately a lot of parents/cultures seem to think children are a product.

!ENGAGE 25

There has already been too much ENGAGE today.

First of all, please accept my condolence for the passing of your dad.

I must confess, I admire your mindset about parenthood. Over here in Africa, parents see their children as their investments and always want to make every decisions of our lives (I CALL THIS LIVING A SECOND LIFE THROUGH YOUR CHILDREN).
Most African children desire to explore and question life more, but the fear of how our parents feel, probably the curses they could lay on us for not obeying their wills make most African children live almost same lives their parents lived. This is pathetic, but the live we face as African children.

You have passed stage one and are aware, this is good :)

I think the potential to 'escape' this is in education - if you have the opportunity, work damn hard go as far in education as possible.

Having said that, I am not aware of your circumstances at all, best of luck.

Thanks a lot.
I'm giving my all to educating myself to be best possible way I can. We'll change the narratives in our time, hopefully

Good luck to you :)

Thanks for your thoughts.

I think it is common in quite a few places in the world, perhaps more so where some parents rely heavily on the children to be able to provide for them in some way. Hopefully, you are able to find your own path in life and make different decisions to those before you.

!ENGAGE 25

There has already been too much ENGAGE today.

Maybe we need to constantly feel like we're lacking so that we constantly improve.

Or maybe it's just one of the banes of being an artist XD

Don't try to tell me you're not an artist

As far as I can tell from my parents and J's parents and the parents of adult children at gymnastics, the parenting job is never done, it just changes as the kids get older.

Sorry to hear about your father :<

Or maybe it's just one of the banes of being an artist XD

It could be, but then, that creative force often needs a target to open the outlet.

the parenting job is never done, it just changes as the kids get older.

The change is hopefully one that transitions from being needed at a practical sense, to being wanted from an experience sense.

Sorry to hear about your father :<

Thanks. It is a weird time.

!ENGAGE 25

There has already been too much ENGAGE today.

There is no Return on Investment for a dad, other than perhaps the sense of accomplishment in doing a job so well, it no longer needs to be done.

This part of your post moved me alot as well as others but i just have to capture that part. I pray you accomplish all you desire. For me i feel memories are nice and they remind us that we ought not to just live but to live with purpose and when you live with purpose you have good memories of the life you left behind. I think your Dad lived a purposeful life and left great imprints while on earth....so it's nice you are having this memories of him. I think he left a legacy and his children and grandchildren will be his greatest legacy.

He did lead a life of purpose, although perhaps it was unknown to him for much of the time. He was a great artist, a brilliant teacher. A lot of people seem to be looking for meaning in life, but don't seem to look in the mirror and instead, aim for what others have or say they want.

!ENGAGE 25

There has already been too much ENGAGE today.

I think the Nomad life is built into some of us. We just have a need to go and do somewhere else. The move away from the familiar social safety net is always hard to do. I can look back on my life and see where I was raised, where I was born, and where I am now, and even though there are aspects of where I am now that I do not like, I do not really miss where I was born or where I was raised.

I have never been in one spot long enough to literally watch a tree grow, but I have planted a lot of trees and other plants in many different areas that perhaps someone else gets to enjoy.

even though there are aspects of where I am now that I do not like, I do not really miss where I was born or where I was raised.

I feel so disconnected from where I was raised, like it was in a different life.

but I have planted a lot of trees and other plants in many different areas that perhaps someone else gets to enjoy.

I think that this is a lovely thought and way to live for a nomad.

!ENGAGE 40

There has already been too much ENGAGE today.

Be careful of regrets my friend, as we all have them when our parents, or a loved one passes away. "I could, or should have done more" only focusses us on the fact that we can do more now for the loved ones in our life.
That's basically all that it means and in the doing more now for others, we are paying the imagined debts that we think we owe.

Your dad taught you how to endure and how to overcome and you are doing the same with smallsteps. This is at it should be and I did the same with my kids who are all independent adults today, teaching their own children the same way.

I think that your dad is happy with the progress that you have made and that he wants only the very best for you!

I agree - it should be a reminder to do when the opportunity exists.

teaching their own children the same way.

This is the real family tree, the learning passed down.

I think that your dad is happy with the progress that you have made and that he wants only the very best for you!

I think he would have been happy, even if I stood still.

!ENGAGE 25

You really were blessed with a good father my friend.
He lives on in you!

There has already been too much ENGAGE today.

Many things to tell you! First, I'm sorry about your father's death. Surely no words can ease that grief. On the other hand, certainly, memory tries to keep only what can make us happy, so sometimes this can be considered a survival mechanism. Children are not the branches of a tree, they are the fruits of the tree, and the fruits, when they are ripe, fall from the tree. Or like the birds, which, having strong wings, fly. It is nature. As far as I can see, they follow the transformations at home and within you. I embrace you tightly, @tarazkp

Thanks for your kind words Nancy and I agree, fruits not branches. The family tree follows the genetic path, not the individual person. I hope that she grows strong enough that she knows without a doubt, she doesn't need me. :*

!ENGAGE 25

There has already been too much ENGAGE today.

Memories!! Your daughter is lucky to have you as a dad. This independence was what my mother tried to do and she did well in trying to make independent...i learn a lot of life lessons from your post.
You have a chance to do more for your daughter, i guess you will be happier.
Please accept my condolences..

I am sure like most kids, she will blame me for much of her life ills, but that doesn't mean she is right :)

Please accept my condolences..

Thanks, it is appreciated.

You are welcome

!ENGAGE 25

There has already been too much ENGAGE today.

@tarazkp, I sorrow for the death of your father. Did you hear your father's will? Your father will surely be proud of you. You are a great literary, husband and father. By the way, did your elder brother keep his father's deathbed?

Did you hear your father's will?

I am not sure he had one and if he did, he doesn't own anything. Is it common in Korea that people worry about the will 2 days after death?

By the way, did your elder brother keep his father's deathbed?

What do you mean?

!ENGAGE 25

There has already been too much ENGAGE today.

I am not sure he had one and if he did, he doesn't own anything. Is it common in Korea that people worry about the will 2 days after death?

@tarazkp, Sorry if my clumsy English upset you.

In Korea, children are obligated to listen to their parents' wills before their parents die.

If children do not listen to their parents's dying words , they are criticized by people.
Is Korean custom different from Australia?

By the way, did your elder brother keep his father's deathbed?
What do you mean?

Did your elder brother hear your father's will?

There is no tradition like that in Australia that I know of.

Friendly tarazkp, I see!

Loved it, especially the closing paragraphs :)

Thanks. I am not sure how many people connect with these, but I find them important.

I really do enjoy your post because they actually make me pause and reflect for a minute. It's so easy to get caught up in this feeling of entitlement with our kids. I am grateful for being given the opportunity to be independent. Thank you for this. I do believe you raised a beautiful daughter.

I hold a high degree of respect for those who are brave enough to change a city, a country, a continent, to get started from scratch in another place. Definetely not easy. Our ego will pull off any mental trick to get us off the hook. It is the biggest challenge to confront and change it's nasty ways.

I am 100% for giving children independence mindset. They have to be able to fly and you to not worry if they lose a feather or even a whole wing. A job well done from the get go is the success policy of a good education. For this, the choice of the right partner matters. The choice of the parent's mindset matters. It is strategy at its best to educate and prepare a child for life and also giving them the freedom they need and deserve. A child not willing to set themselves free is a sign of unfortunate parental failure of some sorts. Life is not a walk in the park and strong independent people will thrive. I am sure your daughter will be one of them.She is lucky.