Too average to help

in OCD3 years ago

I have just come from a one hour interview and then two hours of cognitive function testing where several areas of my brain skills were challenged to see just where I lay after suffering a stroke three months ago. I have been looking forward to meeting with a neuropsychologist since it happened, as I know where I am generally deficient and was hoping they could direct my rehabilitation.

During the testing, I was obviously struggling in a few of the tests to the point that my discomfort was visible in my body. The tests aren't difficult per se, but they are challenging for pretty much everyone, as it is time weighted. So after all of the tests and me feeling like a complete idiot and unable to complete the simplest of tasks - I got the preliminary results.

Compared to the normative baseline, all results were average or above.

Do you know what this means?

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Regardless that I can't do my work or how it impacts my life in multiple ways, they aren't going to do anything more for me, because I am "normal". See the problem with using averages?

"We are not going to fix your broken leg Usain Bolt, because even with it broken, you are faster than the average person."

I am no mental Usain Bolt by any measure, but I do lean heavily on my cognitive abilities to do my work and interact with life in general. Forty two years of life doing what I have been doing has got me to this point career-wise and in my personal life relationships and now, I am fundamentally different - even if "normal" by the standard measures. The normal person doesn't live my life however, I do - an apparently unnormal person.

My wife was asked to be there for the first interview part and she was bringing up how much I struggle with various things, how the conversations I have are different and how my personality has changed. She also said how usually I think very quickly - but now I am more of a shadow of what I was.

Great.

This is perhaps a larger issue than my inability to work, as what she is saying is I am fundamentally different, which doesn't just affect me, it affects her too, and every other relationship I have in the world - including all of those I value. While I can learn to accept my new-found place in the world of average, it doesn't mean all of the people I associate with me are going to accept me as it. It is not that they are going to abandon me directly, but once people change, relationships change too - with some getting stronger, some weaker.

The psychologist asked various questions including whether I have suicidal thoughts and before I answered, my wife said, "be careful what you say here", as she knows I think about it a lot. Not because I am suicidal, but because I am not frightened to think about all of the various negatives and actually seek them out to think about, much of the time.

However, what I said is actually depressing me, is the inability to get any concrete help, especially considering that it is affecting my life heavily. Sure, I can sit around and watch TV, cut the lawn and change a lightbulb - but is that living? If I am not growing and creating, I am not moving and may as well be in that corner, drooling. So, they will help the person literally drooling, but not the one invisibly drooling. Depressing.

What I am going to have to do is spend some time reflecting on my options going forward, working out new strategies for living my life, even though it won't feel like my life at all - at least at first. Over time, I might grow into the new me, but to begin with, there is a kind of "split personality" as I am both the practical me today and the me that thinks and remembers the other me of the past. As you can imagine and probably recognize, this is hard to come to terms with and explain to people, but it is also probably valuable to try.

As they say, describing the problem well is half the battle won toward finding a solution, and I am glad that I have a somewhat creative path to take this journey. I believe that it would be quite easy to ignore it instead and act as if there is nothing wrong - which is kind of what the psychologist offered in form of medication, something to take away the associated anxiety so that I don't think about it. I do enough "non-thinking" already, thanks.

But, I am tired. I am tired of not getting the progress I had hoped for and I was conservative in my wish, knowing it was going to take time. I am tired of being as open and as truthful as I can be about my need for help, and being told there is nothing that they can do. I am tired of seeing the look of pity on people's faces, as I don't want pity, I need strategy. I am tired of jumping through all of the hoops and landing back at square one, which is dealing with this myself and finding my own path.

Of course, my experience informs me this is to be expected, but I was hoping that this time it would be different. Experience is a terrible thing to have as, ignorance is bliss.

While I am disappointed with the outcome from today, at least I know for certain that I am on my own to deal with this, using the resources I have available. Maybe in hindsight, it will be "for the best" and I will come out on the other side stronger for it. But, experience informs me on this too and at some point, overcoming fails and being overcome succeeds.

I have taken a beating and am a little bruised and bloodied, but I am not yet beaten. If I am not doing something useful, I am just taking up space - so I best find something useful to do. There are still options in front of me and some support behind me, it is just a question of how long I can survive until survival alone is not enough and whatever I am says, life deserves more.

Life is a continual process of growth. When it stops, it ends. There are many ways to die, but I am not planning on being one of those who stops living, while their heart still beats.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]

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  • Average -, just what everyone wants everyone to be. Keep fighting, keep searching, you may still find the help to rise back above the average. You should have asked the doctor if he is just an average doctor in his field and who he would consider above average in his field.

I asked him what he would do in my position and sketched it out for him. He stayed silent.

I guess he was just one of the average doctors then. It takes a lot to think on your feet, to have a lot of things that are not notable by others come together to form the right thought/response.

I used to be able to think pretty quick on my feet because of my job. While I may not be a genius or even slightly above average in intelligence, I was/still am to an extent, able to still think on my feet.

An average teacher will not notice when they are losing the classes attention, an above average teacher will see the hidden signs and make adjustments to keep the class interesting for the students and keep their attention.

Don’t chalk it up as a loss because you have received one opinion. If you aren’t happy with their exam, seek another.

The tests were good, as was the psychologist doing the testing. It is just the way it is.
One of the "funny" things is that I asked if ADHD medication would help with my concentration issues and he said it would, but I am unlikely to get it because what I have is not what it is indicated for. Awesome.

Looks like I will have to start my own LSD trials ;D

People tend to take their mental capacity for granted, but I have always been astonished by how nuanced, individual, and flexible neurology can be.

I see mom starting to stress out about short term memory loss and she brings up examples and I stare back at her telling her that's what I've been dealing my whole life with and she doesn't understand how that can be true, as she considers me to be 'smarter' than her in a lot of ways, but I try to tell her that I never stressed about my struggles of recall, as I have always found other workarounds, other ways to cope and get done what needs to be done.

I am also highly aware that my mental capacity varies HIGHLY from day to day. One day I can easily manage challenging tasks, the other I can get lost in the simplest of things. I've learned to take meticulous notes on the good days, as I don't know on which days I'll need a mental hand-holding from my 'better' self.

Being judged for your mental capabilities as compared to the average is pointless. I know for sure that I wouldn't want to have an average or dare say neurotypical brain, as I doubt it would be beneficial to me. I have my own weird brain. And sure I forget words, and typically think in an incomprehensible mix of 3 languages, but I like it. It's mine. It has its ups and downs and quirks, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Since I've always been interested in how the brain works, once I heard about neurofeedback I thought it would be something really interesting to try out, but once I heard that it is based on some sort of 'average' 'normal' brain red flags immediately popped up for me, like wait, hold up, hold up.. I don't want to be zombified into an average, no matter what I presume I'm struggling with.


Hugs&Coffee,
~Josie~

but I try to tell her that I never stressed about my struggles of recall, as I have always found other workarounds, other ways to cope and get done what needs to be done.

Years ago I was struggling with a lot of basic memory things, but it was a poorly functioning thyroid that was causing it. Now it is a poorly functioning brain:)

I've learned to take meticulous notes on the good days, as I don't know on which days I'll need a mental hand-holding from my 'better' self.

Do you ever forget to take notes? :D

Averages are funny things. My friend was told her children's brains weren't developing fast enough because their heads were too small and under average. Yet, they never considered that the children Filipino decent, not Finnish. Averages are useless without actually looking at who is being compared.

Do you ever forget to take notes? :D

Well, yes, of course, and then the next time I swear at myself profusely for not knowing any better. xD

:D

This would be me - every time.

I find that the worst thing is when something seems so difficult that I don't even check if I have any notes to follow.. a sense of defeat before even trying all options.

Either way what I mean to say - your frustration is totally understandable, but neuroplasticity is still a thing, and the fact that you challenge yourself to the point of frustration only means that you're actually creating new neural pathways (which is always an exhausting and challenging task).

So whenever you feel like giving up is when you need to reassure yourself that if you see it through, it will have helped.. because that frustrating feeling of a mental fog is only a neuron reaching out and trying its best to find another neuron to connect to.

And then it is important to reinforce that new connection. Rehearse, repeat.. because - use it or lose it..

Much !LUV


Hugs&Coffee,
~Josie~

Yeah, I am not giving up - but I am disappointed that I am not going to get any professional support for this now. It is a pity.

You got this! ^^

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LUV

Connect

Trade


@tarazkp, you've been given LUV from @josie2214.

Check the LUV in your H-E wallet. (1/5)

Have you though about the non-thinking moments that you're tired of as of your brain's natural and quite well functioning defense mechanism? Has anybody told you a hundred times today you're trying to overclock your CPU again?

From all that I see here, it works indistinguishable from yourself yourself.

What kind help did you expect?

Take it slow. Make it happen.
in StarCraft I, Battlecruiser voice.

Set a course.

Sorry, I just can't help myself asking this cliche:
On a scale of one to ten, how much do you listen to doctors' orders?

I am not sure if I am overclocking at all - I am taking it very slow (imo) but who knows. might need more sleep though :)

On a scale of one to ten, how much do you listen to doctors' orders?

All the time!!!

When they agree with me.

Meanwhile, we're institutionalized to not trust institutions. A sustainable model ;)

Keep going @tarazkp - it's not easy, but it will be worth it (who am I kidding - you already know this!) There is always another way, and I'm sure you will find it. Out of curiosity, have you tried TCM? I've had some good results from it.

Annabelle.

Yeah, it will be okay, but it was a bit of a kick and I could feel my shoulders sink as I sat there.

Not for this. When I was young I used it for my stomach problems and it helped for a short period, but not enough. I had chronic issues though.

Life is a continual process of growth. When it stops, it ends

I guess you are still growing although it might be slow. The most important thing is that there is growth

I hope you heal quicker that you expect.

I still believe that the doctor usually does not have the final say.

I still believe in miracles tho

The doctor doesn't have the final say, but I think that there wasn't much more he was allowed to do.

Hmmmmmm

The psychologist asked various questions including whether I have suicidal thoughts

What a question! I think this kind of question shouldn't be asked to a patient. This is not even the last thing to do.

A Son of my neighbour, aged 38, had a stroke this year. He had physiotherapy for some months, and he have had improvement. However, not enough, he will continue to have. Doctor say that it could take two years to have a result...

What a question! I think this kind of question shouldn't be asked to a patient. This is not even the last thing to do.

Why not? Depression is very common after a stroke and suicide is a risk factor - it is the job of a psychologist.

I wouldn't ask knowing that.

Compared to the normative baseline, all results were average or above.

The above line indicates that you have no such complication and its in normal range.
I would advice you can change to specialist Doctor because sometimes normal doctor not quick to catch the real health issue.

This was a specialist neuropsychologist, not a GP. He knows what he is talking about, but can only do what the law allows him.

I was absent from Hive for a couple of months. Sorry to hear about the stroke. Hope you are recovering well.

Yeah, it is going far too slow - but hopefully something improves.

I hope you will always be healthy and return to the way it used to be.

It is unlikely I will return to where I was. For better or worse.

For better.
I mean your health is like it used to be, healthy, fit and always enthusiastic.

You describe your problems and the way you goes for recovering it, your experience while you do for that very well. We believenin different psychology as others. So if you have different mentality, you should taste different.

At least, writing helps me work through it :)

I personally think you need to be around those you love more and continue doing what makes you happy.... Keep fighting and I'm sure you someday you'll be above"average"

I am around those I love all the time - I think they might need a break from me! :D

The doctor sounds quite efficient and knowledgeable in his field. But perhaps a second opinion? Just so that you can have some more insight into what is going on as well as make informed decisions.
Wishing you the best.

I might see if I can get a session with my workplace healthcare too, just to see if they can offer something else.

Hmmm...sounds quite interesting is your story.Therapeutic treatment would come out good for you and its a nice one of your blog.👍

THanks.

Warmly welcome and, come round soon.🙂

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not sure if belief is enough in this case - but it helps make actions.