Day 2

in Project HOPE3 years ago

#02
Do you ever get anxious? Like sweaty and palpitating heart, a certain dread that something bad is about to happen? I get it all the time. You know what's funny, though I knew the word anxiety, I didn't know that what I was feeling most times was that. I guess knowing the meaning of a word or suspecting the meaning of a word does not mean knowing the word.


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Well I have this anxiety every day of my life. It was bad in my secondary school days because I was bullied. I would get to my door or sometimes, the gate of my estate and my palms would grow wet, my body will begin to shake and I will feel the need to use the toilet. Back then, I thought it was the beverage I was taking so I stopped taking cocoa (gods what a waste! Smh). Now I know better.

I have been reading up on mental health disorders and ladies, I have been surviving in ignorance most of my life. Do you know that I was depressed throughout most of my university days? I didn't know. I just felt being low, feeling empty, always sleeping, smoking so much cannabis, staying away from people was me being me.

I used to be outgoing as a child despite my love for books but now, look at me. I know I started writing poetry because of my mental health and my weird preoccupation with death, God and sin. I just didn't know what was wrong with me. My relationships, my jobs, my life has been wired bad in so many ways because I have little or no interest in anything beyond writing poetry. I rarely finish anything I start, even an ordinary short story. Now I know better.

I am working (more like I am tagging along and learning) with J, filmmaker friend of mine who is also my publisher, on a mental health documentary where we intend to highlight misconceptions about mental health disorders and the way forward. It is our hope that this would draw the attention of the necessary agencies so that a proactive attitude towards tackling mental health disorders and its attendant issues would become the plan going forward.

We are yet to get funding (If you any agency that would be willing to support please let me know) but we are hopeful. This is important.

Anyways, this came up in my today rant because, I am anxious this night. I am actually writing this to distract myself. Today wasn't such a good day although we cleaned up today. Arranged the books on the table, mopped the floor, washed bathrooms, arranged the studio. The office space looks organised now. I'm lonely and broke.

My dad called. He is worried. I told him, I'm fine. I sent a manuscript of 48 poems to a poet friend. I intend to submit the manuscript for the Sillerman prize. I'm not expecting a win. I am reading The Ministry of Utmost Happiness. There's too much sadness in this world.

T asked me to help with an assignment. I did and sent it but now she is not picking my calls. This night, I don't think I'll sleep, same. As yesterday. We were supposed to go jogging but J slept like me. C left today. Nice girl, beautiful with dimples. I love dimples.

The phone is almost done in, the screen is cracked all the way through. I hope J gets a new phone soon because this one is on its last legs. Let me not bore you. Good night.


📸: pixabay

yours always,
Osahon (warpedpoetic)

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Confession before anything else; I reblogged this before reading it.

They are getting addictive. It's like exploring a familiar mind. Relating to most of its fears in a depressing way.

Someone quite special used to call me T in the good old days.

Awww. 💕 I know those type of days.

I understand how you feel. I think a lot of people go through stuff and continue on, broken but unaware. I think the human body absolves too much. Thanks for reading Tezmel. Always

Most welcome. I envy your honesty. I am yet to get there as it will drain my remaining quantities of pride but I look forward. Keep shining ♡

What else do I have left? Pride is for those who still believe in the concept of hope. I live, I dream, I expect nothing.

My remaining quantities are everything I have left. I lost everything else even the urge to dream.