Flat pack: The ultimate relationship test

in Rant, Complain, Talk3 years ago (edited)

We went to IKEA today, again. Don't worry, we're not addicted, Faith is just making some adjustments to the furniture at our business and what better place to do it than IKEA - It's cheap and they have a good range. We picked up a couple hallstand tables and two big round mirrors...And there lies the problem. Assembly.

I hate putting IKEA stuff together; I mean, I'm good at it, but it's tedious and I can't stand doing it. Faith? Well, she loves IKEA stuff and doesn't see the problem - Yeah Faithy, that's because you're not assembling it!

This is what she looks like when she asks me to assemble IKEA stuff.

She's like, hey G-dog my darling husband, would you be so kind as to assemble that IKEA stuff with tools and your manly muscles? [Flutters her lashes and stands provocatively]

She knows how annoying I find assembling this stuff and so puts on the charm and flattery, a sure-fire way to get me to do anything really.

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Of course I'll be assembling that IKEA stuff, whether I like it or not. As if I'd let my wife do it whilst I watched...Well, depends what she was wearing whilst she did the assembly I suppose...Nah, I'd not let her do it, I won't even let her help! No way.

One thing I've learned in thirty three years of being with Faith is, never attempt to assemble flat-packed stuff from IKEA together.

It happened once, one of those 4-bay shelving units...It didn't go so well. It's like the ultimate relationship test and I get into enough trouble as it is so I'll do it myself...Because she asked me so nicely...And if I don't I'll be in a world of pain...Again

I'll be honest, we actually work pretty well together and I'm exaggerating somewhat - We certainly don't argue over flat packed furniture...But it's just not worth the risk...Besides, when she asks so nicely and clearly gets so much enjoyment out of watching me and my manly muscles put IKEA stuff together...Who am I to deny the lass?

How about y'all, do you have any funny flat packed furniture assembly stories you'd like to share? I've heard some horror stories in the past and if you have one, or a success story I guess, I'd like to hear it. Knowing your horror story might lessen the pain of assembling those hall stands.


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This post made me laugh. We have only one IKEA in Bangkok and Chiang Mai moms (800km away0 have been known to pool orders to reduce shipping costs. And then the social media posts start - about the screws don't quite fit, or there aren't enough, or the shelves aren't quite straight. LOL. The tragedy here is that IKEA stuff doesn't cope with the damp well in the rainy season - the mdf soaks up humidity and mold spores and it barely lasts 2 seasons. I think they only stay in business here due to optimistic-nostalgic-naïve foreigners. LOL.

I have painful Ikea assembly memories. Many. Clearly my husband choice needs to notch up a few gears.

 3 years ago  

Oh yes, I'd say the humidity doesn't do the IKEA stuff much good at all! Opening up the box to warped and swollen panels wouldn't be my idea, or ikea of fun! Small play on words there. my brother lives in FNQ and he bought a thing once...Regretted it a couple months later when it fell apart - Vowed never again. We have reasonable success with it down south though.

It's a good thing there all those optimistic-nostalgic-naïve foreigners up there huh? (For IKEA at least.)

Oh boy do I have a plethora of flat pack stories. My theory is that couples for centuries lived in harmony. But there needed to be a test, a test so brutal that it needed to test the very strength of a relationship.

So for years a group of unknown people met in an undisclosed location and plotted their ultimate relationship test. Nothing seemed powerful enough to breach the strong bond of a relationship.

During their years of research and tests a table broke and they couldn't get it to where they needed to in one piece. So one person pulled it apart. When it got to where it needed to be only one couple were there to recieve it.

They worked together to reassemble the table, through it was the most intense relationship stress test known to man. Partners argued with each other about what went where, what took to use and even the amount of force being used.

This research was leaked to the public and then IKEA was born.

I hate flat pack furniture.

 3 years ago  

...And now it all becomes clear.

I've been travelling the world in search of enlightenment but never thought to go to Melbourne to seek it...Low and behold, there it was...Only 7 hours drive from where I've lived out my life in clulessness.

I have sought the knowledge you speak of here, have consulted the Oracle and been unable to find the truth of it...But now my search has ended. I finally understand the origin of the ultimate relationship test...It doesn't help me with the flat pack assembly...But sometimes wisdom is good to have, just for the sake of it.

#hateflatpackclub

IKEA flat packs I've been assembling a few lately 😵 for my mum.

 3 years ago  

Never pleasent. Not hard,just annoying.

 3 years ago  

This is funny. I have never assembled a furniture but it must be very tedious. Annoyance proportional to the pieces and screws of the furniture I guess.

 3 years ago  

It's easy enough done, I just find it annoying and tedious, as you say, that's a good word for it.

So. Right off the top, I am quite good at assembling not only flat pack furniture but easier items like variable valve timing cam followers and such. It really is my mechanical training and aptitude. I fit stuff together first, don't tighten anything before it's time, and like that. I'm fiddly for a fiddly job I guess.

Having a really attractive woman batting her eyes at me will make me do most anything including flat pack.

I have to say that my most recent flat pack purchase was as close to perfect as I"ve ever seen. FOB China, the instructions were tedious at best, but every single fastener fit every single hole every single time. The machining was perfect and it's an amazingly solid 'baker's rack' that I put my microwave on. So much better than I expected...

 3 years ago  

Flat pack isn't so hard, especially the IKEA stuff, but it suits my needs to sensationalise it a little as it makes my post a little more interesting. I'm happy to let people think I have no clue as it gets them commenting.

Now, that Chinese bakers rack you put together? Good work! You know, I've seen some instructions from there and had a few laughs over the years...I don't know who writes them but I'm going to go with no one with clue.

 3 years ago  

Lol ikea stuff is definitely tedious to put together. Thankfully we don’t have a lot of it but Siena did have a fair amount of it when we were dating and first married. No joke one of the dressers broke at the bottom so we had a drawer just sitting on the floor with some of my shirts in it or something. The stuff is certainly a pain to assemble! I won’t let her try to put the stuff together either, though she’s tried. She sticks to the organizing of stuff once we get it figured out but not before there are some curses and amusing comments at how crazy the instructions are. We’ve bought a few things off Amazon that are below ikea quality and fare worse than it, I know the pain!

 3 years ago  

Their stuff is reasonably good for what one pays I guess, and their business story is incredible as is their manufacturing and logistics process. Certainly a business success story, much like Lego.

These days Faith and I fall into a pretty standard routine. She helps unbox and sort the screws and fittings then buggers off to leave me to do the work. I don't mind though. Sometimes she helps hold something but mostly I do it myself.

Most of what we have bought over the years has been pretty sturdy, no drawers falling out, but there's been some frustrating assembly problems...Mostly generated by me putting something in back to front. 😂

 3 years ago  

She looks gorgeous on the cover my man.

 3 years ago  

She is, unless you ask her and then she'd say not. Typical huh?

 3 years ago  

For sure. As they stare at every angle of themselves in the mirror.

C'mon!! Only hot chicks check themselves out that much in the mirror.

I came wait to get back to IKEA. Our of the world of flat pack there's is always the easiest to assemble. Even though it's a pain in the arse still!

I once got a double bed, flat pack style. Which was fine till I realised there were no pre drilled screw holes. It was fecking murder!

 3 years ago  

They make it pretty easy, but one must ditch their tools...All they do is cause sore fingers and thumbs!

Lol, better you than me on that flat pack bed mate...I reckon I would have broken it up and used it for firewood! No pre-drilled holes indeed!

I almost did smash it up for firewood but we didn't have carpets!! I had to struggle through!!!

 3 years ago  

The persistence you showed is admirable and speaks highly of your character.

Me: Smash it up. 😉

I do not know what all the whining is about. I have about 6-8 ikea units that I have built, disassembled and rebuilt over the years when moving to a new house. I do not even have the instructions anymore, now I do realize that I am handy with my hands and seem to find putting things together less challenging than others, but seeing your posts about reloading for your shooting pastime I do not understand your problem with putting flat packs together.

 3 years ago  

No problem really, gives me something to write about.

Well that makes more sense, something to write about, expanding on something you are doing to create a topic for discussion....👍🙏🙏

 3 years ago  

Yeah, no flat pack has ever defeated the G-dog...But coming up with topics to write about occasionally has. So, I'm always looking for something. This was it. Seemed to go ok too, a few responses in the comments below.

Oh yeah Ikea...we picked up a desk for Liza in Minneapolis four years ago (in the middle of a Packers game, no less!). We brought it home, and I'm not going to lie; I had never sweat or hurt so much after putting together a piece of furniture. It's a great desk, but wow the horror stories I had heard before...I had no idea. I told Liza "good pick, you get to enjoy that desk forever."

 3 years ago  

enjoy that desk forever.

But the story never ends that way though does it? There's always another one to assemble...I don't know where they go but I swear I've assembled enoughh to fill two houses! Never during a Packers game though, Sacrilege! 😆

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One of my favourite things to do is watch 'The Ikea Challenge' which involves standing in front of the IKEA and watching as people try to fit all of their purchases into the car - the joy of watching someone drive hatchback into the pickup bay as their partner waits with way too much stuff. You can literally watch relationships fall apart in front of your eyes. Even better is someone with a huge 4WD which turns out to be really poorly designed and nothing fits in - oh the joy (It's dawning on me I might not be a very nice person)

 3 years ago  

I feel this to be a totally legitimate activity indeed. It's totally amazing hoe many people simply can't size up a load and know whether it will fit...I love it when they stand back looking at their load-space trying to work it out. Load too big, won't fit idiot! Your car isn't getting any bigger. I once saw someone make the "very intelligent" decision to unbox the IKEA stuff from the cardboard to make it fit. Nope, still two feet two long ya pelican!

I'm always fairly cautious and take my trailer when Faith says, I'm just going to look. Best be prepared right?

No wonder you do it every time, look at those eyes, who could say no?
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 3 years ago  

Yeah, me no can say no. Lol.

I'm a sucker though, she knows how to bend me to her will.

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