The tale of Rudolph the Red Holed Reindeer

HOHOHO MERRY CHRISTMAS! Or some shit like it. let me set the record straight before I carry on. I'm a grinch, I don't do Christmas or festivities, at least until I got married. I never bought in to Santa Coin early enough to get rich and I sold my dollar sign ELVES at a loss.

I Did not do Christmas. Simple.

I got married and was persuaded through physical means that maybe the holiday wasn't so bad. Seriously Lingerie creates Christmas dreams.

However this is a long running theme. I grew up with no Santa Claus, No extra special gift waiting in the morning. To be honest I thought presents where for rich kids.

As a result my mom was hurt, suffered, and strived to provide something like what everyone else Seemed to get.

Fuck 'em. I don't regret anything she gave me.

For Christmas at the best, I got 10 bucks to buy and choose clothes at Goodwill, and a Full flat out dinner. Meat AND potatoes!

Bitter? Upset? Hell No lets be straight I'm fuckin grateful. The hurdles she had to jump through to provide what she did, My moms a LEGEND. Queen and king of country.

As A consequence I never had Santa, Or any magic in the system. The Reindeer were some type of foreign meat Id never be lucky enough to eat.

I have made the choice to let my own lad have that magic. Not because she was wrong, but because I can afford the mystery.

Its bullshit but true, more money equals more freedom to create fantasy.

So yeah every year I pay extra for Mystery, Magic, Elves and Santa. After all sometimes the old dude with the white beard needs a helping hand.

It makes a difference to me, trust me I mean that.

After all I'm writing this post.

So I thought Id share some Christmas traditions, and in house festivities.

What we do.

Normally every year I do a big load of prawns on Christmas eve. This year they got cancelled cause the missus ended up eating some dodgy prawns a few days ago. Sat on the shitter with a bucket, No fun.

Normally I hop to Spain for some painless extras, this year the police made life difficult because we aint got the vaxx. Extra hours and stress for no reason at all.

Normally we would get everything all set up for the morning without any irritation. But hey what's a bit of the Hershey squirts between friends. Food poisoning really is a bitch.

Normally at this hour I'm sat here with a glass of sherry and a carrot... The English are a bit odd.

Normal is what you choose to make it. I don't get mad I get even.

Most importantly... Normally there are 3 of us.

So Onwards----

Every year we make Christmas cake, I simplify the process and condense it into a drunken cake feeding month.

I use Mary Berry's recipe and change the fruit up. I use Papaya, Mango, exotic fruits of all descriptions. I feed that cake with Armagnac, Kirsch, and Amaretto. Alternating each between days of course.

I have a good clean up, tidy the whole house and prepare for Papa Noel.

But here's to the holidays, here's to Christmas created by a non believer. I would happily load Santa and his reindeer up with C4 and napalm with a side of Anthrax if it was up to me.

Thankfully its not.

Its about my son and a 6 year olds sense of wonder. What I didn't have he has in spades and more importantly what I did have he has too.

Our Christmas tradition is being together.

Our tree has Buddha, Christian ornaments, Pagan reminders, Silliness and homemade decorations.

I have been hungry, Homeless, tired and sad, But I have experienced the joy of helping someone further down the ladder, I've also been helped up a few rungs myself.

I chose a long time ago to believe God whoever he or she might be has better things to do than worry about my problems. So I choose to fix them.

We might not have everything at my house... BUT

Most importantly we have each other.

So to everyone here, I do not wish you A merry Christmas, I will not say may all your dreams come true. I don't Like to Lie.

What I will say is I wish you peace in and of yourself, and whether you are alone or surrounded by family, and no matter what your religion might be...

Merry Fuckin Hivesmas.

Cause at the end of the day all that matters is being happy in yourself.

Now Rubidoclaus Has stuffed alot of wrapped up stuff for the boy under the tree and I'm gonna go grab some shut eye.

It may not be the most structured post, Imma blame it on the Turkey.

So here we go, everything at the end. no formatting no fishin for votes.

Photo bombs at its best.