I slept for 3 days, getting up only to drink water. If I sleep, I don’t hurt. I used 3 of the pills Natalie gave me and they work great. I wish I would have had these years ago. The pain I would not have had to endure. My parents like seeing me in pain, that is why they do not even allow me to take Advil. The pain gets them off. Inflicting the pain is one pleasure and watching me deal with the pain with every move, is another pleasure. My Father has slept with me every night. There is something new to the routine now. Since the beating he has asked me to cry; to react to the pain. He also causes me pain. As he is having sex with me he squeezes my broken arm or pushes in on my cuts and bruises; all the while getting more and more excited.
When he was done last night, he sat up and told me that some men may be into hurting me during sex. I have to learn to react correctly and please him. To react to the pain, but not push away or hit back. He also said; “I did not realize it felt so good to hurt you during sex. I truly went to a new sexual level and my orgasm was so intense. I will make sure I find a way to hurt you without leaving a mark; even if your Mother has not beaten you. She hates it when there is a mark on you she did not put there. That is her territory. Eventually, you will begin to enjoy it and you will have intense orgasms too.” Then he kissed me and said; “you smell horrible I am going to my own room. You take a shower right now. I’ll see you tomorrow night.”
I went into the bathroom and threw up. One thing I would like to ask a doctor is how can something I hate, makes me physically ill, cause my body to react like women who are enjoying it do? When I was at Natalie’s house one day, we watched a porn movie. Her parents were not home and it was a bunch of us and I guess they were curious. Natalie’s parents have them and they all laughed at it. I was shocked, that women actually like it, and they were smiling and participating. Not being forced too. When they finished I realized that is what sometimes happens with me. I don’t want it too; it does it on its own. When I do Mark gets so happy and he kisses me more, which only makes it worse. He gets so excited; as though he won a prize. It makes me feel as though I ask for it or I am a monster like them. Do I enjoy it because I am like them? I just have not allowed myself to truly accept it and become a monster? I am so disgusting.