The Diary ~ January 17 1989 PM Edition

Well I am still here…..I came home. Mark and Jane were waiting for me; we left to go the warehouse and then shopping. Jane was so excited; she had magazines with dress options in them. She was showing them to me on the way to get coffee. I went in to the coffee shop and got coffee and I put the pills in both. As I was walking back to the car, Mark and Jane were looking in a bag and were more excited than she was with the magazine. When I got back into the car, I handed them their coffee’s and Jane started drinking hers right away, weirdly so did Mark.

We pulled away and I really wanted to know what was in the bag. However, it was at Jane’s feet and I did not care to ask her. We reached the warehouse; Mark and Jane were starting to feel the effects of the pills. Their heads started too bobbed forward and back. They really did not understand what was happening. It was quite hysterical. They looked at me and asked me what was going on. Mark got out of the car and walked into the warehouse. He said he was going to get some water. I put extra in both of theirs to make sure it worked faster and was completely effective. I at this point did not care about my plan of Mark knowing I killed him. After the last few weeks of our new rape technique I just wanted them dead and to die myself. The dirt was piling on me thicker and thicker to the point I could not breathe. I felt as though I was not human, that I was dog or a doll that had no say; that had no heart or soul; that I was invisible and was worthless, disposable creature.

Jane could not get out of the seat, she was completely out of it and barely awake. I got out of the backseat, opened her door and reached down and got the bag from in front of her. She tried to grab me and mumbled something, I could not understand, and I looked in the bag. I pulled out this black leather mask. It had a zipper for the mouth and no other holes. I was guessing that was my new adventure for that night, when we got home. I took it and put it on Jane and then I slit her throat. The pleasure that flowed through my body in that moment was so overwhelming and intense, I felt like a God. I felt as though no one could stop me or hurt me ever again. I never wanted it to end. She gurgled a couple of times, gasping for air, then she was so quiet. Ah, peace and quiet finally from the stupid, inhuman bitch.

I left Jane in the car, in her pretty new mask and went to see Mark. Mark was lying on the sofa and could not move or barely talk. He did get out, you did, when he saw me; when he saw me. I smiled from ear to ear at him and said; “yes, I have been planning this for months. You are never going to see the dawn again.” I took the knife and stab him in his penis first; there was enough feeling left in his body that he screamed out in pain. I told him that was how I felt every night. Then I slit his throat. The blood flowed over me like a warm blanket. It sprayed upon me like the sprinkler on a hot summer day at Cole’s house. As I watched him die and the blood leave his body, I wished I could stand up and leave. I wished I could go to Cole’s and have him hold me and tell me that I was going to be okay and that no one would care. I knew that would never be the case, once he knew what Mark did to me, he would only see the disgust and dirt. I thought for a little while sitting in front of Mark and watching his eyes glaze over, with no life in them, about my prince charming, my fantasy. That could be a life I could have. I could work hard, heal and learn to love who I am to become, instead of who I am right now.

Wow, that made me laugh really hard. Love who I can become, how can I move past this horror, this indignity? I am nothing but trash to be thrown away. My fantasy love is just that a fantasy, he will only see what I see. Mark is dead. Jane is dead. Charlie is safe and now I need to leave; to be happy and new in the next life.

I got up and went into the bathroom and took 3 pills. I picked up the cordless office phone and called the police. I told the 911 operator my name, where I was, that I had killed my parents, that I had evidence lying on the metal exam table proving why I did it, and that I was taking my own life in the bathroom. The operator begged me not to, to wait until the police officer arrived and let him talk to me about my options. I told her thank you but I did not want to see the disgust on his face when he knew what I was made to do. I told her how I felt about myself and I told her I had to go; the pills were taking affect and I had to do it now, while I could. I put the phone on the floor and I could hear her screaming, begging, crying, and asking me not to; to wait. I heard her tell me that she did not see me that way, no matter what happen to me, what was done to me, was not my fault. That I had options, I had people who cared, including her. The last words I heard her say was please, please don’t, I am begging you don’t. I slit my wrist. I tried to slit my throat but I couldn’t place enough pressure. I think I was scared to watch the blood spray. I slit my wrist with ease and it was beautiful; watching the beautiful red color flow down my arms. It was so warm; I really thought it would be cold. Moments after I sliced my wrist, I began to lose conciseness. I knew I was leaving and the feeling was overwhelming. I knew I was leaving this life and starting my new one. Good reddens.

Ouch, no please no, please don’t be Mark, waking me up. Please God, please whoever, and please do not let it all have been a dream. I was so scared to open my eyes, until I heard a voice I had never heard before. The person was saying; “she is waking up.” I opened my eyes to see a hospital room with a doctor and nurse looking over me. “Where am I?” The doctor replied; “you are in St. Bishops. I am Dr. DeVoe and you are very lucky.” Lucky are you freaking kidding me. I am suppose to be new, whole, and starting my new life. Not still in this shit hole of a one. He continued on; “The officer found you in the warehouse bathroom and thankfully he was a paramedic and he saved your life. He knew exactly what to do.” Are you fucking kidding me, out of all the officers, I have to get the life saving paramedic.

Great everyone knows by now and now I am this disgusting, dirty gross person. All of my friends at school are making jokes about me and talking about how I enjoyed it. I am the laughing stock of the whole school. I will just wait and end it at night here.

Dr. DeVoe went on to tell me that my parents were both dead. Oh, shit forgot to make sure that happened and the life saving paramedic didn’t work his magic there. He also told me that Charlie was in the hospital also. Charlie was being observed for any trauma and having an evaluation to find if he needed further psychiatric care. Well no he doesn’t, he was just locked in his room every day, most of the day since he was four. He barley talks, he is withdrawn, shows hardly any emotions, has never been loved, or had a kind word said to him. He’s great!

Charlie went on to have psychiatric treatment as an outpatient. Cole’s parents fostered him and eventually adopted him. I was sentenced to a psychiatric facility for 3 years. My lawyer, who was hired by Cole’s parents, pled me guilty by mental defect. Sighting that the abuse and the fact that I had to no resources to seek help, caused me to resort to measures I did; the judge agreed. Great my new home and I am on suicide watch for the foreseeable future. I guess with the three times I tried and was stopped; in the hospital, gives them good reason. This is awesome my new life. I am not locked in my room anymore, just a cell. I have to go and talk about what happened to me on a daily basis, I am given drugs that make me feel out of it and forced happy, plus I am watched 24 hours a day. This new life SUCKS!