A Hat Made Of Bacon

in #life3 years ago

IMG-PHOTO-ART--1773134037-picsay.jpg

The problem with home working, I thought to myself, as I stared at El Jefe on the screen of my laptop, could be quite succinctly summed up as:

You can't kick people right in the fucking pish-flaps for annoying you through a computer screen.

On screen, El Jefe warbled on and I gazed at him intently as if he were that poster of the woman tennis player scratching her arse.

So, I think we are perfectly clear then, yes?

El Jefe beamed at me as if I hadn't been imagining he was a giant disembodied testicle that had been snuffling around my bins last night looking for scraps in the snow.

Tilting my head, I lazily scratched my cheek as if I were writing a letter to a lover to remind them of our time in Paris.

Perfectly clear?

I made my voice undulate up and down like a snake trying to pump water from a well.

Um, yes. I think I have made our position perfectly clear. You know. What we were talking about?

El Jefe looked nervy as if he were a Finnish man flirting with a Russian lady on Tinder.

Can you just go over that bit about me saying you are an amazing boss again?

I said in a deceptively smooth voice.

We were discussing the Company Survey. It was the only thing that managers in my place feared. A once-yearly event which gave the staff the opportunity to anonymously vent their opinions on many things... Including their direct Manager.

Oh. Pffftsh. No no no. I didn't say that?!

El Jefe rocked back in his chair jetting ink from his flubbery gills in consternation.

It's just that you kinda did. You hinted I could be in line for a bonus and as long as everything went smoothly and if we all looked good in the company survey you could almost guarantee it?

I picked up one of my many hats that lay nearby and put it on, smiling as if I had managed to hit an F# in a kazoo solo.

El Jefe reared up from his chair in another part of town and pointed at me via the medium of webcam.

What's that?

He snapped beligerently as if something with whiskers had underwateredly brushed against him in a gentleman's bath.

It's a hat, what on earth did you think it was?

An evil cackle crackled from my chest sounding like a lizard dropped in a deep fat fryer.

Why have you just put on a hat? We're indoors? I mean, seriously?

El Jefe looked rattled.

I wondered if he had had a bad experience of hats indoors in his past. Maybe he had been masturbating into a bacon hat and wolves had broken down the door and had torn it cruelly away from his little soldier just as he was about to speg?

Truly the world could be an awful place.

Listen, forget the hat. I'm on board. We are a team. I've got your back big guy. The survey will hear nothing bad from me... Hopefully by pulling together we all get what we want... Hmm?

I leered viciously at him. My hat casting a long and cruel shadow over my face.

Oh... You will? Oh that's splendid. Well, ok then. Have a good afternoon. I will let you get back to it!

El Jefe cut the call with a gleeful flourish.

I tipped back in my chair and smiled.

No luck boss man. You are getting slaughtered when I do the survey. Let see how anonymous this nonsense really is...

Sort:  

For whatever reason, I actually have two of these devices. But now, there's a new plan. One or two more strips and I can turn the bowl into a hat...

Maybe he had been masturbating into a bacon hat ...

From that day forth, no-one will every pilfer my bacon....

It looks more like a bacon cup!!

If you hat it, your bacon will remain safe for evermore!!! :0D

!ENGAGE 30

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The anonymous survey, with only 11 of you? I have to wonder if he will feel like a pig going to the slaughterhouse...You have paid off the others, right? Or, at least give them their own bacon hat!

Now, about this lover in Paris... Always good to see you!

My darling!! WE will always have Paris!!! :OD

There are a lot more but they do get the feedback on a weird anonymous team basis. So aye. Wea re probably all doomed! Doomed I say!!

Lovely to see ya too lass!

!ENGAGE 30

Oh, now that is cutting the odds to see where the prize is!

Doomed us right! :))

Paris is alway wonderful.

It is always wonderful! Although the last time, about 4 years ago I was there it had the most ridiculous number of aggressive tramps. It's they might just have been Frenchmen, hard to tell ;0)

Haha! The last time I went there, there were homeless all over... What has happened to my Paris? Although begging and soliciting is not illegal there.

And yet, I still love it.

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Do you actually kick people in the fucking pish flaps when you were in the office? XD

Bacon hat? I...don't want to know but am morbidly curious and too scared to look it up XP

Lol. I probably don't. I world hate to say never because the time may come when done fucking pishflaps need a right good kicking! :0D

Never look things up when your gut says no. Lol!!

!ENGAGE 30 !

You "probably" don't? XD

True never say never :D

My gut is smugly telling me something along the lines of what has been seen cannot be unseen so I'm guessing it won't be too traumatising but I may have some at least mild regrets so I'm going to continue cowarding out XD

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Wow that was insightful ....I like to bake my bacon

I hope you dont bake it in a hat!!

I do like it baked though,gets that fat nice and crispy!

Depends if I want to be fancy for the day, then the hat is necessary for the crispy fat hat.

Haha He is back, :)

Tilting my head, I lazily scratched my cheek as if I were writing a letter to a lover to remind them of our time in Paris.
Ohh tell us more :)

Lol, I am never far away :OD

Ah Paris. the glory days! What happens in Paris stays in Paris!

Think that's best lol

I thought about that after i wrote it, i really don't want to know lol

Wearing a meat / bacon hat, not a good sign for El 'cool' J. 😄

At least, when it means something along the line of:

Being mad as fuck about something. Making fun of someone or trying to be annoying.

Haha, that is indeed the meaning!!!

Perhaps he wears one all the time!!

As in : being annoying all of the time, he probably is. 😁

Some people seem to thrive in living like that. Madness. I much prefer to be chilled

Born to be a pain in someone else's neck, or even in a much lower region. It is a talent.

Do not see what's the fun in that either.

Haha, the kind of talent that you most certainly wouldn't want to be born with!

Maybe he had been masturbating into a bacon hat and wolves had broken down the door and had torn it cruelly away from his little soldier just as he was about to speg?

🤣

That would bring on a fear of hats alright!

The survey has to be anon surely, but how many staff members are under El jefe? Could he perhaps narrow it down, to those wearing hats during 1-1's?

I all fairly confident it is anonymous. There are only about 11 in our team so you have to be careful with the additional comments on it!

Is a bacon hat like an American pie?

To all intents and purposes!!!

Hello dear friend @meesterboom good afternoon

The long-awaited anonymous survey. the long-awaited moment to oust the boss, hopefully everyone will, I don't think the boss deserves mercy.

I take this opportunity to wish you a splendid weekend
enjoy it a lot

Yes indeed. Perhaps everyone will stick it to the man and get rid of these types!!

One can but hope :OD

The joys of being a permy.., it's all in the deepest recesses of my 90's mind somewhere when this shit did not even happen.

Permie politics and machinations. It's part of the joy of working!!

Ugh, it makes me wince. I will never be a permy.., not gonna happen!

a permy?

Do you say permy? I say permie!! We have found our potato poh-tah-toe! :0D

No idea what it is! :D

'Permanent Member of Staff' = Means you have to endure all this bullshit he speaks of!

Ah - makes sense. Thanks mate.

Lol. I didn't realise it was a question of what permie was!!

It's all exalted thing. Although for far less money than the contracted types :0p

A lot less than it used to be, due to government interference.. but that story is for another day.

What a wild read that was

I'm a bit of a wild man!!! :0D

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