A Wobbly Post

in #life3 years ago

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What's going on here then?

Boomed an accusing voice from over my garden fence.

I gasped and squinted up, sweat blinding my beautiful eyes.

The Jim, my neighbour, loomed over the fence. His old face, cracked and wrinkled like a dried-out love sock, scowling in accusation at me.

I'm building a fucking deck.

I said, somewhat defensively waving an arm at the wreckage of wood and broken shit that surrounded me.

Aye, that's not what I am asking and well you know it!

The Jim bellowed indignantly.

I put down The Big Fucking Hammer that I had been wielding and straightened up, pushing a hand into the small of my back and making a masculine weeping noise.

What are you asking then?

I was puzzled.

It seemed perfectly clear that I was in the middle of a grand project. I mean it was obvious. I was surrounded by half sawn pieces of wood and various tools, not to forget also The Big Fucking Hammer.

Maybe he thought I was Thor and I had turned my hand to Carpentry?

Fucking Kate Bush, that's what I am talking about? You gone all... you know...

The Jim made a motion with his hands that could only have been a mime of a man being fisted whilst wearing a dress.

What the fuck?!

I snapped my head around appalled at what The Jim was saying. Kate Bush!?!

Behind me was my radio. An old and battered thing I had found in the garage. When I had started work on my deck I had felt oddly compelled at a molecular level to get the Radio out, tune to a local radio station and turn the volume up really loudly.

I realised that while I had been sawing and humming along to the music that somehow a Kate Bush song had sneakily started playing.

That one that went Wooh oh oh ooooooh oooooooooh.
I know, it could be any one of them

I felt a deep blush bloom on my cheeks as if I had been caught playing cricket.

Hahaha, it's just the radio. I was so busy working I had no idea what was playing!

I exclaimed brightly as if The Jim at that moment with his big bushy grey beard and piercing dark eyes didn't look exactly like God, weighing me up and finding me wanting.

Aye, well. So what are you doing down there?

He nodded inquisitively at the hole I had just stuck a post in.

Building a deck, you know, putting the supporting posts in?

I picked up The Big Fucking Hammer and hit the post enthusiastically. It wobbled resentfully in response.

The Jim narrowed his eyes.

Digging holes, listening to Kate Bush? I don't know son. I don't like the sound of this.

The Jim stuck a hand on my fence and leapt over it in one majestic bound as if he wasn't sixty million years old.

He marched over to my radio which was still belching out Kate Bush and stabbed a sausage finger at it.

Kate Bush cut out to be replaced by Mark Knopfler yodelling about faggots and MTV.

The Jim brushed imaginary dust from his hands and looked over at my hole and wobbly post

Where's your concrete?

He said, glancing around.

Huh?

I quivered with the righteous man-fear that I had been caught being double un-manly by not having concrete for whatever reason men have concrete.

You will need concrete in your hole.

He stated ominously.

Erm, I don't have any concrete.

I blurted out as if being waterboarded with decaying foreskins.

The Jim set his hands on his hips and surveyed the workings around me incredulously.

No concrete? Fuck me, lad, do you want me to give you a hand with all this? I've built many a deck. I don't mind, I'm retired, I've got fuck all else to do.

He picked at the edge of a raggedly sawn post sticking out of the ground at a forlorn angle.

I snorted, lowering my head so that I could ram him with my fearsome horns.

What was he implying? That my work so far was a fucking mess? That I couldn't build a deck for toffee? That I was some kind of middle class, accidental Kate Bush listening popinjay that was playing at deck building?!

Maybe The Jim needed to have a few words with The Big Fucking Hammer?

Eh, yes please. I would love your help.

I squeaked.

Alright then, I will go and pick up some concrete and be back in a minute. Don't let me come back and catch you listening to Kate Bush though!

We both laughed. He with joyous neighbourly spirit and me with murder in my heart.

I watched The Jim go off to fetch his so-called concrete.

Can we smash him, o' great one?

Whispered The Big Fucking Hammer.

My fingers tightened around her haft.

Not yet, my pretty... Not yet.

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The Jim sounds like quite the character, lol. (grin) I trust your deck progressed nicely?

I blurted out as if being waterboarded with decaying foreskins.

Dude, my mind can only take so much mental imagery, lol. You are next-level, good sir.

I am happy with next level!!

I wish it was progressing. It seems to be at an empasse. I am not sure who will win, it or us!!

Yeah, keep it up man, it's awesome. :)

I believe in you, you got this!

(P.S. I tipped you on this post, not because I thought it was your best work, but because you've consistently been a quality person to me since I arrived here and this seemed like a convenient way to show some appreciation.)

Goodness me, I just saw. Thank you very much, I appreciate it but you totally shouldn't have 😃

😁🙏😁

Sunnofa... !!!!

You just identified that I am "The Jim" of my neighbourhood.

As a specific example, yesterday, my neighbour was removing boards from his deck so that he can replace them with cedar ...

Not only did I yell over the fence and tell him he was using the wrong type of crow bar for removing the boards ... I provided him with the 2 that I own and then offered to help.... Then his wife piped up and asked if there were any tools that I didn't own? To which I replied -- "None that are useful."

To be fair, I am 15 years younger than my neighbour ... or is that statement actually more damning???

I think it's time I go grab a drink.

I will refuse the urge to Google who Kate Bush is ... I don't want that in my search history ... and from your description, it's likely better that I never find out.

Thats exactly what The Jim does!! And his wife often then drops by with cakes and traybakes that she has made!

The only difference is, he is about 15 years older.

Hey, you fancy coming over and helping? I have already promised The Jim a bottle of good malt Whisky! I could spare two! :OD

hehehe. It's actually happened before.

I was over in London for work and decided to go visit a friend that I'd met in Canada when he was travelling. When I got to his place, his back fence had 3 out of 5 of it's fence posts rotting.

I asked where the nearest Home Renovation place was and off we went. We tied the 10' posts to the roof of his tiny European car (and put the bags of cement in the "boot"). and returned.

24 hours later (Time for the cement to dry), the fence was solid again.

Off to the pub ... Then, he brought up a couple of repairs needed at his vacation house in France (it was tiny ... but it was in France!!) ... and how expensive contractors are in Europe....

How could I turn down a free stay in France for a week.

I was able to delay my return flight by a week and I was off to France.

Rinse and repeat repairing a back deck and a shed (6 hours work at most) and I had a "free" vacation with a tour guide and a lot of wine in the evenings.

It it wasn't for Covid, I'd be on the next flight.

I can see you being a very popular friend! I would be asking you over all the time.

Bloody cement though. There was me thinking I could just rattle some posts in the ground but the ground is all squidgy. This is my first time cementing though. I am finding it quite fun. He got this aggregate stuff that hardens in three minutes. Well, so it claims, its more like 10. Its top stuff, I am already looking about for other things to cement!

A free vacation with guide and wine filled evenings, that sounds quite blissful

My wife hates the fact that "I don't like to relax"

She'd be happy at an all-inclusive resort ... but after a day, they drive me nuts. If I can find a friend who has a place abroad with a "simple" repair and I get the place for a week, I much prefer that. If they stick around to show me the place/city/town ... that's a bonus!!!

Hahaha, me and my wife are like the opposite of you guys when on holiday. I am happy lying by a beach and she always wants to do stuff!! Although maybe not buildy type stuff!

One thing I know about concreted posts, they're a right pain in the system to get out again if you ever need to take them out ^_^;

Did The Jim actually jump the fence :O Are your fences less high then my fences?

Also why were you trying to build a deck by yourself are you actually insane.

The fence he jumped is about belly button height, he did put a leg and a hand on it right enough. More of a half climb and a hop.

I don't think we will ever get these ones out. He seems to use up over half a big bag at a time. There is literally tonnes of it.

I now realise that perhaps it was insne to think I could have done it. In my head it was literally stick some posts up and wallop some decking in between. Now he uses words like joists and has ordered more timber for these so called joists which apparently the decking will sit on and even more embarrassingly has marshalled his son into helping who apparently is an old hand at decking as well.

I am literally making them cups of tea and helping to carry the odd thing now. To say I feel helpless is an understatement! HE asked me how big I would want the step at the end and I was like I don't know, Im just winging it!?!

Ah, I am sure it will look good when he finishes it :OD

LoL! Well least you know the deck will be solid XD

Son is probably old hand at decking coz dad keeps roping him in to these kinds of projects? XD

LoL did you have a plan for the deck at all?! XD

I'm sure it will look great when it's done and then the three of you can enjoy a beer on it XD

My plan was good. I thoughth that if I made a wooden frame like a picture frame with a middle support and held up by posts that it would all work out as long as I made sure it was level.

Oh how wrong I was!!

i also thought it might take a few days. I now have the fear that it might take a few weeks.

One day I might get a beer on it!

Why...Why would you want to build a deck on your own!! LOL!

I thought it would be easy!!! Who knew that it was actually hard to do this stuff!! :OD

Just keep all your limbs, heart and brain...especially brain.. intact.

That is most definitely my plan. I am relieved that someone with more savvy is manning the saw

A real Tom Sawyer, aren't you?

What is Tom Sawyer known for?
Considered the epitome of the all-American boy, Tom Sawyer is full of mischief but basically pure-hearted. He is probably best remembered for the incident in which he gets a number of other boys to whitewash his Aunt Polly's fence—an unpleasant task in his eyes—by making the work seem to be extremely absorbing.

Oh, yes. Boom Sawyer... kind of rolls off the tongue.

Haha, I actually remember that bit from Tom Sawyer!!

Maybe I have never forgotten it ;0)

First you need big tools, huge ones, the famous brandnames, like Mikita, DeWalt and of course some Leatherman scullery!

And a Jim who'll help you fix it, with lots of concrete. And some laser precision measurement tools. Also a tool belt, that rocks!

But first put some gravel in them holes for the posts. (At least I saw them do that on JooTjoop, for some water thing reason.)

Never tried to build a deck, seems like a tricky job. Good that you have kind a handy neighbor. It's gonna be a great deck I bet.

He has a laser spirit level!! It's like something out of Ghostbusters!! I have a yellow battered metal thing. You are right about the gravel, he has been quite cavalier with what he piles in, gravel and dirt then the 'crete. At the risk of sounding pathetic all his tools are fucking massive compared to mine. As is for real work! Don't know of or will get done for the weekend but it's looking good so far!

Those real powertools are already half the job, but they also cost an arm and a leg. (As a figure of speech, not due to wrong appliance.)

Thumbs up for getting the job done before the weekend! Cheers!

His old face, cracked and wrinkled like a dried-out love sock, scowling in accusation at me.

Hahahaha it is also perfectly clear that you are a well experienced chap in matters of love.

Don't let me come back and catch you listening to Kate Bush though!

...and it was right there when you decided to turn off the radio to avoid unnecessary risks. };)

Your cut right through the chaff!! I am indeed a love master. Which is why I made sure that radio was turned off... Just in case!! Lolz

Yeah! cutting it right through the chaff haha. erm... and btw... talking of hammers... };)

See, she funking nuts!! Lol, that video is insane. THey really let people get away with any old shite back in those days!

Not yet is right! Gotta wait until he helps finish the deck...of course! lol

Once that's done i can dispense with him!!!

Que historia tan interesante, espero este no sea el final para esto tan maravilloso de la creación literaria, me gustaría leer más de esto

¡Estoy seguro de que habrá más por venir! 😉

Nice to see some Boomy in my feed this am.

Back when I had to work, waaayy back then. I had my own Thor of a swingin thing and I didn't even work with hammers. I called it "Notta." Notta B. Fuctwit.

Would it end differently if I knew who Kate Bush is or should I not have admitted that?

Never admit Kate Bush. Never.

That way we can all whistle about with our big giant hammers and pretend that all is well with the world! :OD

You are better off not knowing who Kate Bush is, count yourself lucky.

Settled? I'm not googling her then. Last time I googled a Bush I... never mind.

Some words should never be googlised.

Lol. Well, I shouldn't lol to be honest...I mean Boomy, Kate fucking Bush? What the fuck were you thinking. Oh hang on you were not because...

No concrete? Like, none? Shame on you.

In truth I'm not sure which is worse but then you saved the day with the big fucking hammer...One of those mitigates a multitude of ills.

Hey Kate.

Yeah?

Fuck off!

OK.

I was singing along like a maniac!! Oh dear.

I realised that my thoughts of building a deck are really fucking amteurish compared to what The Jim thinks it should be. No concrete, shitty little screws. Jim came back with these massive things. Absolutel massive and has a band saw thing that attaches to his bench.

I have been out-manned!!!

Being out-manned can be a humbling experience, but you'd be even more out-manned if you don't accept the initial out-manning, swallow your pride and take some instruction from The Jim. Doing so will more than adequately re-man you.

Coach screws bro, concrete and fucking bandsaws...That's where it's at! Soon you'll be re-manned and will be well-placed to out-man many and diverse fellows who cannot hold a candle to your re-manliness. Then they can become re-manned and then out-man in turn. It's a man-cycle.

Lol, I am taking so much of his lead I have literally turned into a labourer for his Foreman of the ejob. I am hopeless at this stuff.

The next deck I build, I tell you. Iwill be more prepared than ever! This can be my learning deck!

Man-Cycle, love it :OD

I hope he's doing it for some grated cheese and chutney sarnies and a brew...That there's no invoice coming. Lol.

One thing I've always been happy to do is learn; Being so hubris-loaded and prideful that one fails to take instruction from one more skilled is limiting. It's like when I instruct shooters...There's some who will take it well, often the girls, and those who say, fuck you I know what I'm doing. Erm yeah bro, clearly not.

It's really cool that he's over to help...Just don't let him swipe The Precious (hammer.)

The Precious dont take kindly to being swiped!

He never even asked for money for the cement. He had some in his shed but went away this morning and got another 8 fucking bags. 8!!! I mean, I wonder if he thinks we are building a house?!

He is a godsend though, I think If it wasn't for him I might have had to pay someone to come in and what with COVID there would be no chance of that All the tradesfolk are busy busy busy as we tried to et someone in to do sone work in one of the bedrooms and they were all like, yeah Maybe October... Basts!

There's good people in the world Boomdawg, this proves it. They're rare of course, most people are assholes, or selfish, egotistical, greedy and so on. Your neighbour seems like a good one.

Tradies are hard to get here too. They either don't want to work or are simply too busy. Prices are high too; Thanks covid and governement-stimulus money. The new normal I guess.

How did you not have concrete? I always carry concrete on me. "Never go anywhere without at least one bag of concrete," my dad always used to say.

He would have been right!! From now on I will make sure that all my pockets are full of concrete!! ;0D

Hi @meesterboom ,your neighbor just wanted to help, he is retired, so he has a lot of time, what made me laugh the most was the way he jumped the fence ha ha ha I imagine the agility ha ha ha ha ha, lesson : let the older ones they help you and learn from them :) it's the first time that one of your stories has a lesson :)

That closing line put the final nail in the coffin, I'm sitting here chuckling like a lunatic all by myself, brilliant @meesterboom (translates to MisterTree from my mother tongue)
Excuse my ignorance please (I'm an old #silverblogger blond) but... are your signature images your own hand drawn artwork or done electronically? They are brilliant!