Oh, hello. You must be Boomy?
Purred the woman who answered the door of my brother's house.
I raised an eyebrow at her as if to politely enquire who the fuck are you? Fortunately, my brain managed to stop my mouth from saying the actual words.
Sorry, I should introduce myself. I'm Martha. It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
This so-called Martha chuckled earthily like a man microwaving a banana.
Um, pleased to meet you. Is my brother in?
I eyed her up and down as I spoke. She looked like a pile of sandbags left outside a flooded house.
Oh, where are my manners! Come in come in!
She stepped back and motioned me in with a hand like corned beef.
I gave what I hoped was an amiable smile even though I owned half the house she was inviting me into and I was fairly certain that under old Scots law that entitled me to half murder anyone under its roof.
In the lounge, I flopped down on my dad's old armchair. Martha lowered herself into a chair across from me. As she did so something creaked alarmingly but I couldn't tell whether it was the chair or her jeans.
Your brother is upstairs, having a bit of a shower...
She gave me a knowing look despite not knowing me in the slightest.
Oh right. That's nice.
It wasn't nice. My brother rarely showered. He was one of those people that believed his body self-cleaned. A result of which meant that he always smelled slightly foosty
If he was showering then it could only mean one thing.
He must have been burying his beef bifter in Martha's fleshy graveyard of a vagina.
Now that I thought about it, I could scent a hint of anchovy mayonnaise coiling heavily around us. The very air in the room seemed to shimmer like oil on a puddle.
Almost as if Martha could hear my thoughts she grinned and threw me a creepy sex look.
I think I will have to shower next.
She flicked her eyebrows up and down twice in quick succession at me as if she were a devout Christian and I was a high-protein cereal bar.
I made to speak but instead, only an odd croaking sound emerged from my mouth.
The door to the lounge swung open and my brother strode in, his hair slightly damp and sticking up in a myriad of directions.
Shower's free, sweetheart.
He said to the fucking Stonehenge that was Martha sitting across from me.
At this, she pulled herself to her feet and smiled a shark's smile in my direction.
It has been lovely meeting you at long last. I have heard so much about you but he would never introduce us?
She pinched my brother's cheek on the way past him as she headed to the shower, no doubt to wash his fetid man-muck out of her hair.
A crushing silence followed her departure. My brother shook himself as if coming out of a trance and sidled over to me, leaning in close to my ear as if worried Putin would hear him voicing support for Ukraine.
Sorry about that mate. We were shaggin.
He let out a giggle like a teenager having salmon paste licked off his balls by an elderly cat.
Yeah, mate. I kinda guessed.
I let out a small laugh as if we were friends as well as brothers.
I am glad you two met anyway, I had something I was going to say to you. Something about me and Martha.
He paused.
Hmm?
I tilted my head at him like a cocker spaniel at the sound of chicken.
Aye, we have been talking about her moving in. I know this used to be the family house so I said it would be best to check with you. You know, like you owning half and all that?
He said this almost apologetically as if it had never dawned on him to buy me out of the place so we could all move on with our lives.
What do you reckon? You cool with it?
He reached out a hand and gave me a playful nudge in the shoulder.
I stared back at him. My eyes flicked around the old family home that we had never sold and for some reason that he had ended up living in rent free.
Arthur obviously thought she was on to a winner here.
Aye mate, of course, that's fine. If it means you are happy then I am happy.
I smiled and drew him in for a man-hug whilst looking around the room. I nodded grimly to myself.
I'll be watching you Arthur. Oh yes, I'll be watching you...
Hrmmmm..... Family, funeral and money. That trifecta can split up even the tightest of siblings. Especially when there's a new love who may start putting ideas in your brothers head.
I'd recommend some form of legal agreement (signed by both of you and witnessed by a notary) that points out things like :
Etc etc.
To have this all worked out in advance will save a boat load of stress in the event of an emergency.
In Canada, commonlaw occurs at 2 years of cohabitation. So, if you didn't have an agreement at 2 years and something happened to your brother ... his partner would have just as much right to the house as you.
I know, I know ... I took a humorous post and added realism ... but I've seen it happen too many times and couldn't help myself.
Dont worry, I have been thinking all of these things myself. Fortunately, we have an agreement similar to the above which covers most of those points although I don't think the fire/rebuild one is in there.
My main worry is that this new lady doesn't know about the agreement and thinks she might be onto a winner. I know that makes me sound quite callous but I am very wary of that kind of nonsense. And the common law thing. We have a similar law here. I shall be watching closely to see what arises out of it.
Who knows, they might just buy me out and I can be a happy man!
Fingers crossed that it all goes according to your master plan. ;-)
I am sure that one day it will. I had to double check Scots law again there although I did at the time - I feel less antsty now.
Long term plans for the win!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I must say this is the first funny story I've ever read since I joined Hive, you won't believe that, would you? But it's true.
It's supposed to be a 4mins read but I've been reading this for about 10mins 😂 and that is because I stop in almost every paragraph to give a laugh out loud.
I specially laughed what you said about half murdering anyone under the roof 😂 and at the end you're saying "I'm watching you Arthur" Now that's scary 🤣
Your description of Martha is so annoyingly funny I must say, like I pictured a not so good looking woman 😂 thanks to you.
This is wonderfully written, and I can't wait to have another read from you... First read today, interesting one 🙂
Thank you very much! I try my hardest to make my descriptions conjure up an image, not always the politest one but one that amuses me :)
!PIZZA
Yeah, it sure did amused me
I'm glad I came across your post
You are too kind :O)
And you're awesome!!! 🤭🙌
Lol, steady on :OD
You don’t fail with your funny. So many hooks in the way you write, well done. I can’t help busting out snorting laughs at unanticipated turns in the tale. Sounds like grimacing torture with more stories lined up, ha! 😂
My most pressing question though; have you microwaved a banana? If so, was it green, ripe, or overripe? The devil is in the details here.
Scots law it seems, allows for all the fun that a Canadian can only maple syrup dream of. Corned beef is awful, in hand form, truly demonic.
I’m willing to bet you could lay down tracks with that croaking throat and some fancy string strumming. Bullfrogs sound a pretty decent tune when I've hung around with them.
I am fairly sure there must be some splendidly hjorrifying maple syrup Canadian laws! On that note, I was blown away when I saw that Maple syrup was n fact that, just the sap from a maple tree rendered down a bit. I always assumed it was something that had been concocted!
Have you seen a bullfrog eat? For some reason I keep getting recommended videos of bullfrogs eating on youtube. It might not help that I keep clicking and watching them right enough!
Maple syrup is liquid gold from what I've been told. This and this you might find interesting.
I can see why you'd think it's concocted, most of what pretends to be it in the grocery is concocted and not real. It's rendered (thinks of animal fat, lol) down a lot. Growing up, it was a regular ritual to go to a sugar shack, watch it all, make maple syrup taffy on snow and buy way too many maple syrup goodies.
For more fun, there's also birch syrup. It's flavour is very different, a bit like blackstrap molasses with other notes.
😂 I have not but I just went and watched this one. I have a new fascination and I think I want a bullfrog now.
I had no idea it was such an organised thing. I had seen a video on here of someone collecting the old fashioned way, I think it was in New York State or something and they collected it and rendered it down which is why I knew it was real and not made up but that is a brutal situation in Canada. To not be able to sell to who you please and not necessarily get paid whilst they sit on your syrup. Yeek.
I got an access denied on the birch syrup but found it on another page, if I ever see it I will try it!
I think I want one of them bullfrogs too. They just eat everything and look as cool as feck!
I only learned that about maple syrup somewhere in the last ten years. It's a very strange thing. Canada, the image does not match reality. You can collect on your own like you saw in the video. There are those who do that in rural areas. It's easy enough to tap the trees, but the quantity required and timing it with the sap running are key.
How strange you were denied that page. It's a gourmet food thing. I guess you're supposed to focus on eating porridge maybe, lol. Birch syrup is more expensive than maple syrup by far. Small bottles. Never seen large and it's not common here.
Both saps can be drank as is, very high in nutrients and a source of hydration if you're wandering the woods like a viking without water.
I think I'm hooked on those bullfrog videos now. It's literally fascinating to watch. I looked to see how big these things get. I saw ones the size of a small child. Then I looked to see if a bullfrog has ever attempted eating a human but found nothing, lol, thankfully.
I am so glad you are also hooked on the bullfrog videos. I am too. I have been watching these ones with a frog called Poco in them and they play some ridiculous music whilst Poco eats everything. I was going to share one in my original comment but didn't as some people get really squeamish!
One day a human will be eaten by a bullfrog, surely it has to be so :OD
I love all of these kind of sap thing. I knew deep down that a giant production would have to be more than a few hardy souls tapping spigots into trees but it was a nice notion to have!
I really need to see that link with Poco. Not much phases me, so bring it on! I've always had a thing for frogs. I cite Kermit influence.
😂That brings so many visuals to mind and, well, some weird art.
The big production for maple syrup, they run lines from tree to tree, instead of the old timey bucket method (still used by some). There are grades of maple syrup as well. Gets so fancy pantsy.
Always a funky mix with family and money. Sad to say there is usually one that gets the short end of the stick. You are a kinder man than I, Boom!
I am kind to a point, I can see that point ending quickly!!!
I kind of hope ( for you ) that this didn't actually happen.
If so, you're too good for this world,
if not, I can't help but love your imagination and observational skills ;<)
It is a sad thing that it actually happened. I think I would have much rather have met his new lady in a better setting. I might even have a better image of her if I hadn't had to meet them post shag! :OD
Hahaha Does your brother know you write these things? 😉 Such a brief moment in time, but pivotal, I'm sure. I suspect that selling the house right away, instead of keeping joint ownership, would have made things a lot less complex - but not so interesting!
It would have been far simpler to sell and share the proceeds but I promised to not force him out to my mum and it is only now that I almost regret it.
For me the small reach of hive is a bonus as no one I know IRL is on it. Or at least not now. Hence I can vent such lovely stuff! :OD
Fairies and magic are "lovely." Beef bifters and fleshy graveyards of vaginas - not so much! 😆
You are of course correct! But what would the world be without the above, a mere shadow of a place! ;O)
Ouch haha! I take it your brother doesn't read your blog ;<)
Hehe, I am blessed by the fact that he is quite bad on the IT front. If he looked beyond facebook I would be very surprised! He doesn't even have Wifi!
Hahaha! Sounds like the fellow is living more in the stone age than the hypersensitive raptor in my stories ;<)
I do believe that to be the case. He has a CRT TV. I mean there arent many of them left anymore!
Sounds like his taste in women is like his taste in TV's ;<)
Of course, he doesn't even like having a bathe. I am wondering what woman let him under her damn vagina ... 🤢
In Thailand you shower before the shagging commences (not speaking from personal experience), otherwise when heading South.. one has to change directions and head North (speaking from personal experience).
Hahahaha, it is not a bad idea to shower before the deed!
I might even contemplate it myself if I was not famous for smelling of sandalwood and myrrh. :OD
I've heard that some people have a trick involving two condoms that might be useful. The male puts the first condom on ... then carefully smears it with Tiger Balm ... then puts the second condom over that.
That way, if either condom breaks, one of the two parties will instantly know.
🤣
Beef bifter killed me lol
Fuck that self cleansing shit, take a damn shower! Lol especially if the possibility of getting laid. Hopefully he had the sense to do that before they hooked up the first time lol
Ah someone moving in, that’s a delicate discussion. We have a family member that’s going through that situation now and he’s not at all seeing the only reason she’s moving in is because she sees dollar signs. Never married, 60’s, no kids, his parents just died. How many damn red flags will it take before he gets screwed? It’s sad to watch but he’s getting laid and she’s using mystical vaginal magic to sway him. Those damn women and their vagina powers lol
I have known a few people like that. This hot girl I used to know was hot as feck except she never washed her hair. Claiming that it self cleaned but it was this horrible lank mop on her head that whiffed a bit if you got too close. She never had dreads or anything, just brushed it occasionally. Blegh.
Yeah, that's the same scenario. The vagina magic holds em in their thrall and that is all they can think about!
We have that half-murder law thing here in the US. I've personally half-murdered dozens of people and a few dogs, and never had any run-ins with the law. !PIZZA
Good to know. I have been a little more cautious. Only a handful of half-murdered folk for me and no animals. I did accidentally half murder someone twice though and I was very surprised indeed to find that they were still alive at the end of it which I think this to prove that quantum physics is bunk
Yeah quantum physics is totally fake, the United Nations just invented it to scare China into thinking we can hack into all of their bitcoin farm wallets and replace the bitcoins with exploding nanobots. I read that on a blog somewhere but I can't remember where it was.
I read that! Or at least I read that someone read it and they wrotabout reading something that someone read or wrote. Twice. Then when this information came into my hands I know it was the UN because my bitcoin wallet exploded.
Whilst outside white doves flew past in slow motion.
Oh god not the white doves. Those are totally government spy drones.
I know!! I found one in my bath tub and had to shag it to force the cameras out of its eyes. It wasn't pretty
Thank you for your witness vote!
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Hahaha! My stepson rents an apartment next door to him, and you just described his tenants to a tee. The government pays their bills so at least it's a sure bet for rent. But Gawd,ugh, woof. Well, the guy doesn't stink overmuch and he's kind of entertaining, but his ginormous whale of a wife smells like things I don't want to think hard about, and she's a few cards shy of a full deck. The crazy part is they have the cutest, smartest little daughter. Weird how that sometimes happens.
I have seen that loads!! Absolute monsters with the cutest kids. Its like evolution in reverse, lol.
I would love it if the government paid my bills. I could spend all my day running free in the wind! :OD
Haha, you and me both!
Right now our electric bill is more than doubled from last year- unfortunately that's because so many more people are on "assistance" Yeah, they get it free, but it sure the hell isn't govt paying, it's the rest of us who don't get assistance. And honestly I don't mind when someone really needs the help, but there are a whole lot of lazy bums in the mix of that.
So has ours!!! Its funkin outrageous!!
Scotland is surrounded by wind farms and we sell it all off to other countries apparently and we don't get free electricity. There is something far wrong with that model I am sure! I should be paying next to nothing! :OD
There are too many lazy bholes around. Damn their eyes!
Oh yes, I hear ye!
It's funny aint it how you are expected to be all palsy walsy with your siblings and it ain't necessarily so!
My wife's sister and her Scottish hubby live just outside Glasgow and have exactly the same issue with a family home left by his Dad except there are 6 siblings involved and two of them are 'house-sitting'...
Only big brother's sheep in the garden appear to causing issue though!
Be thankful for small mercies and not having a spare room!
Its a total tricky one when the property is just left and not sold and shared out. My old mum made me promise not to kick him out. I suspect she might have saw through my cheeky happy veneer to my black mercenary heart.
The sheep must be good for keeping the grass under control. No mowing!
Hahah gotta love that sibling sincerity
I know, the things that wouldnt be said in regular company!
"It wasn't nice. My brother rarely showered. He was one of those people that believed his body self-cleaned."
So you're telling me the body doesn't self-clean? Next you're going to tell me the laundry doesn't wash itself. I toss it in the hamper, and every week it magically is folded and back in the closet.
🤔
Well, now that you mention it, the same thing happens to me! But I believe that that is due to the Washing Basket Fairies. They are a lovely yet mischievous bunch as you can tell by their stealing of the occasional sock!
The so-called Martha doesn't even know how close she came to being half murdered. Dodged a bullet there, but seemingly not your brother's fetid man muck.
Anyway, best draw up a lease agreement mate, she needs to pay some rent...or your brother can stop chucking his muck and start chucking you 50 percent of the value of the house.
She is lucky, half murdered isnt good for the health!
I will need to think of something if this ends up being a thing. It was always meant to be temporary but now I just don't know what the score is. Fecking inheritance nonsense
My comment was a little tongue in cheek but also a little serious. These situations don't work so well on an ongoing basis and someone always loses. The fair way is an independent valuation and a pay out, or a sale and 50/50 split. Anything else is weighted too heavily one way usually, or too complex. I don't envy you mate, I've seen this scenario many times.
Also, if you half murdered her and say, I half murdered her, then isn't it logic that neither of us can get a murder charge as someone wasn't actually fully murdered by either of us Hmm, I need to think on this.
I know, that was what gave me the sinking feeling when he landed it on me, I think he was expecting me to be super pleased and I kept thinking. but what if this and what if that?
I will figure something out. He is an awkward git at times and prefers to avoid thinking or planning ahead. I am quite easy going but if it comes to getting shafted I prefer to be on the shafter side and not the shaftee!
I will have to think on the half-murdering myself, lol
You'll know how best to raise the topic, you're smart. I guess have some options to select from, proposals. Each a little more or better than you hope to achieve and then negotiate from there to exactly what you want. Use the same tactics you use on El Jefe to pull the wool over that dunderhead's eyes. 😄
I think you know me too well. That is exactly the plan :O)
There will be so much wool pulling that there might have to be extra sheep drafted in for supplies!
Here's my contribution.
Lmao Wow that's harsh 🤣
Though maybe she and your brother are perfect for each other based on this...
Lol
Sounds like you're never getting the money out of the house by the way.
I have resigned myself to never getting anything out of that house. It gladdens my heart though to know that my kids will. Someone will have to!
I saw some footage of flood damage down south and abandoned half burst piles of sandbags and it stuck with me. Hehe, it is a tad harsh but fabulous!
I was only kidding by the way. I'm sure that your brother is a stand up guy - no sarcasm.
Sounds like quite the image. It definitely painted a picture in your story. Your analogies and metaphors always do though 😂
Hehe, I guessed you were kidding!
If I can paint a picture with words, even if it is a horrible one then I am a happy man! :OD
I hope she doesn't turn out to be a gold digger... Your brother is lucky that you are keeping an eye on the situation. Also, I wonder if she might think he has more than he actually does?
I hope she is a nice nice legitimate person. I really do. But on paper he must look like a top drawer catch!
And of course he won't see it coming :( ... I wonder if there's a discreet way of letting her know what she won't be getting? And that if anything happens to him, it will be zero.
!PIZZA
You know the thought had crossed my mind of subtly managing to drop that into a conversation. I will have to meet her a few times more and forge some kind of bond, urgh!
It could also be accidentally on purpose left for her to see (so long as you leave a camera running to take video and confirm she looked)... Then you weren't the one who told her, and she sure can't blame you if she's the one being nosy!
Haha, that might involve a bit too much chance of getting caught! I think I might have a half joky chat with my bro about them buying me out when she is there. See what her reaction is if she knows he only has half a house!
😂 that works! But she also needs to know that paperwork has been signed, before things get too serious. Hopefully if she's trouble it won't get that far though.
Hi @meesterboom ,You already met MARTHA , apparently she was happy , but I do not think it was because she met you , but because of what she was doing with your brother , well that always makes us happy haaaaaaaaaa , the only thing is that she let you see this before your brother said so , you came at the right time, in the end ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, next time, let us know your visit :)
A hug and I am glad to know that you are well, all healthy
Hello @lupega! I am hoping I never have to see or hearva hint of this nonsense ever again! A hug to you! And some !PIZZA
I do not understand , I am honest when I speak , here in this panel I have found good people with whom I have empathy , you are one of them , I am not a boy who likes to flatter , I always say and express what I feel , honestly , if I did not feel Nothing , I would say nothing , I am too sincere ,I apologize if I said something that bothers you, you are an important person for me
No, fear not. I didnt mean what you said. I meant the nonsense from Martha and my brother, as in I hope to never hear of their sexy party nonsense ever again.
Me and you are good :O)
You shouldn't have let Martha go after shower :)
I think i should have joinedin and had a shower. That might have made it all better. LOL!
Yea, threeshower 😁
I will have another when I get home just to be sure so make it 4!
Foosty eh? I always thought it was Foisty, as that is the way my Geordie wife pronounces it or it's North East of England cousin of a word, either spelling, tis a good auld word!
You're some man to set a scene with your florid language! Had a good auld laugh reading through this, as usual. Hopefully Martha doesn't get too attached to the place now..
Hehe, I love it when things are spelt differently up and down the country. I had an argument with my missus who is from Dundee that mawkit, a word we use for disgusting was spelt that way. She thinks it is spelt mockit, which is just wrong!
He has a fair track record with the ladies but they don't often get to live with him. I am hoping they need to get a smaller place maybe. Then they can have my blessing! :O)
Ah this one I haven't heard before, I like the sound of that one, and could be thrown into a multi-barreled insult quite nice, "..ya good for nothing conniving dirty dying rotten excuse for a mawkity fucktard..."
You have a plan of action for Brother-gate, always good to have a plan of action!
Hahah, it does fit very well in such phrases, I love it. It is such a nonsense word but has all the right bits to make it sounds quite spitty and aggressive!
Always have a plan even if it is run away!
A vision I will not be able to un-see.
Thankfully I have many more of these visions to share! :OD
Hahahah ..... a bit of a shower. I loved this one. Ul have some job getting Martha out of that house when she poisons the brother. 🤣🤣🤣
Imagine that! I would have no qualms about making her sell up! :OD
Hahaha oh my, Boomy you do know how to make me wrinkle up my nose with your very vivid descriptions...I can only imagine how exceedingly uncomfortable that whole thing must have been for you.
Gosh, even I need a fucking shower after reading that lol
Yes, best keep an eye on Arthur and perhaps on your bro too.
I do like a vivid description that conjures an appropriate image in the mind! lol
As soon as I have scrubbed myself clean of all the nastiness I shall be keeping an eye on everything!
:OD
Well, firstly , "hint of anchovy mayonnaise" hmmm I think you should get that checked out...lol tho, I do have to admit, here in late Sprig there is a certain type of mushroom that pokes it's petulant head through the leaves rather rakishly and gives off an aroma that is rather 'of the bedroom' but I'll leave that, what with my delicate sensibilities and all ;)
Ah, family property, I know it well. The passive aggresive struggles are on the horizon I'm sure ah well, families and properties are always an 'interesting' mix...Luckily for us, we're far too WASPy to say anything, so we just hold grudges, drink another cocktail and scribble it in journals haha.
Good Luck with this... :)
Hehe, love it.
That is what we are like, say nothing grudge hold and drink and fester, lol!! It seems to work. Sort of :OD
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Why didn't you say outrightly to your brother that it would be better if he buys you out?
It was a fraught time. We agreed a temporary arrangement and now some two years later it appears to not be so temporary!
Well, it doesn't seem as though it's temporary to me either.
I smell something fishy. You know when someone is trying to con the other person out of something... It looks like your brother's act as we speak.
At the same time, I have a feeling Martha is feeding him not only her gravely vagina, but ideas too.
She very well might be and it is that which has set me on high alert! Fear not, I shall be watching and taking any necessary steps!
I have faith in you. Good luck. ❤️❤️
Good tale Boom. The anchovy mayo scent has rotted the turbinates in my nasal passage before. Especially some of the patients ive had. Not so much lately, but some people are just on a different level. Some are helpless, while others not so motivated. Good putin joke lol.
Funny that his old lady was giving you the shark eyes. A cereal bar branded with your face though, thats marketing right there man.
THE BOOM BAR!