All hands. All hands call. Everyone drop everything. We have an all-hands call... Priority one incident.
The message flashed up on my screen as if it was urgent.
I took a sip of my coffee and absentmindedly leaned over on one bahookie cheek to let a gentle spring breeze seep free.
Boomy? Where are you? We have a Priority One call, get on it... Now!
El-Jefe, even through the medium of typing on a screen, sounded close to angry ejaculation.
I huffed and put down my coffee which I had been quite enjoying. What was the world coming to when a man can't be given peace to drink coffee and fart on the company dime?
I mean, what in hell's barnacles did they think they were paying me for?
The call was a huge one, I could feel Teams straining under the effort of displaying so many avatars and switched off cameras.
El-Jefe was not one for switching off his camera though and appeared on screen in all his wobbling Jabba-like glory. I noted smugly that he had added a new chin to his ever increasing collection.
It was a fine one and no mistake. Just under the beardline, a glistening ham plantain of a thing.
In my head I named it Clarky after a chap that had peed himself on the night bus one time and loudly shouted to all who cared that he was Mad Clarky and he would take us all on. After which he slumped down and fell asleep in his own stinking urine.
Ah, them were the days alright.
Chaps, we have a P1. In Production. Right now. It's action stations. I need to know. What steps are we taking to mitigate?
El-Jefe glared balefully out of the screen at all of the people he could not see.
The Kurgan was the first to answer. He was a Lead Systems Architect, famed for his ability to survive any conflict leaving only screams of anguish in his wake.
Um, the issue, where the customer cannot log in to their account is highly present in the Live environment and is an issue which has presented itself.
He spoke with an air of tragic resignation as if opening mystery box number 3 on Bride or Hide and finding a large goat within.
El-Jefe growled at this like a Hyena with an erection in an Ohio bookshop.
Yes, customers cannot log in to their accounts. What are we doing about it?
He managed to say the words both like a question and a dire threat.
We are redeploying the code from last nights release however we have hit upon a serious issue.
Chimed in Elephant Shoe, a Problem Analyst who had once been witnessed moisturising his happy sacks in the nearby gym's changing room. Go on. El-Jefe grunted. When we run step 5 in the deployment and steps 3 and 4 have not been carried out then step 5 fails. The Kurgan said with the confidence of a madman. Yes, it fails. Presumably because we have not run steps 3 and 4? El-Jefe spoke carefully as if repeating the terms of a home broadband deal that seemed to good to be true. Precisely! Trilled The Kurgan. Then why don't we go back and run the missing steps 3 and 4? He demanded. Because step 5 has failed and we are analysing step 5. However even when we attempt to miss out step 5 then Step 6 fails. Should we skip to Step 7?? A bleeping noise sounded from The Kurgan. Apologies, El-Jefe, I have an urgent call and need to drop. The Kurgan disappeared from the chat. El-Jefe groaned like a latex monster from an eighties horror movie. Boomy, do you have anything to add to this? Can you help? He tapped this in a snarlingly pleading private message to me if it were I that had personally let all of our good staff leave and replaced them with shonky offshore substitutes. Yes indeed I can. I dropped a car crash GIF into our chat and followed it couple of smiley emojis. There, I pushed myself back on my seat and stood. Time for a shit. This was shaping up to be a good day.
We shouldn't judge. However... arent they soft enough? In what leathery balled world would you have to moisturise your ninky nonks?!
My wife got me some food today and I instantly thought of you when I saw the name hahaha. Can you see what I’m referring to?
This thing is a fucking small baby! Lol my work phone for comparison! Sweet Jesus it’s delicious.
I don’t know what could be more American-Mexican blend than this massive American sized Mexican burrito!
El Jefe! In burrito form, goddang, I love a burrito and an el jefo would be sold for me!! It's massive!!
I've been 'the IT support guy' and it can get frantic. People who seem to lounge around the office all day suddenly get frantic when they can't pretend to be working. They just need to chill a bit.
I think you have hit the nail on the head, especially when you work in a quango. People are used to just sitting and pretending all day long and freak out when you ask them to be doing stuff!
I quite like this Elephant Shoe. Seems like my kinda fella. One of the great perks to marriage is finding the wife's secret stash of expensive body moisturiser squirreled away in some little dwarf press in the bathroom and lashing it on the scrotum. I know what he's doing. It's more a case of I've found your expensive moisturiser ya bowsie so I'm gonna lash it on my nutsack more than the whole benefit of having a nice moisturised nutsack! But I lament the fact that she has never copped on to my little rebellion. 😭
HAhahah, perhaps that wa sit and he is not a deviant but instead a fiendish villain stealing his wife's moisturiser!
I have blagged some of the Good Lady's occasionally and then tell her I used a handful just to watch her freak out :OD
Here we were blaming every problem, no matter what field, on supply chain issues. However, just recently, seems blaming Putin is nudging out the supply chain excuse though.
I have seen that a lot of things and a lot of people are jumping on the blame Putin bandwagon for just about everything. Its getting some people out of holes!
If he looks like Jabba, does he also have armed flunkies, pet monsters, and sexy slave girls, or just you?
Thats my biggest fear. He has some flunkies but sometimes I worry that I am the sexy slave girl on a chain!
Are you required to wear that fishnet Twi'lek dancer outfit as your uniform?
I don't know there was any other outfit!
Tis here that the analogy breaks down a tad bit 🤣🤣
My wife would be very pleased with this. She loves GIFs at work - sending them and receiving them lol.
So funny when companies cut all the staff that has the knowledge of how things work because of budget cuts or going LEAN and then get hugely bitten in the ass when shit goes wrong and no one knows how to fix it.
No sympathy haha
Haha, we have been through LEAN. What a load of twaddle. We have done exactly that. Let them all go, left a skeleton of folk and now they go mad that nothing is working and no one can fix it.
Which GIFs always fix. It's great to fire them out. It's what Teams was made for :0)
Yeah the same thing happened at the company my wife worked for and one project alone has cost them, probably pushing a million dollars at this point or soon to. She found salvation in GIFs as well 😂
I think she is wise to vent that way, it's infuriating. As long as she and the rest of us are safe in our jobs that's the main thing!
I sometimes wonder at companies that are so short sighted
You and me both lol
Congrats to El Jefe on the new chin. Never know when you will need another, so it is always wise to keep a few extra handy.
My husband likes to poop on the clock as well. And he often announces it when he gets home. Would have been home on time, but I decided to get fifteen minutes overtime while taking a shit.
If I am congratulating El Jefe on a chin, I suppose I should congratulate you both on a paid poop.
A paid poop is the best kind of poop. It really is. It is the pinnacle of killing two birds with one stone. A brown stone if you will.
Perhaps I should be less harsh on his burgeoning chin collection, we all got to have a hobby :OD
Logic and thinking don't seem to factor in where you work. I guess thinking outside of the box is rare in Scotland, the same as it is here? Oh, scratch that, just plaining using one's noggin to think is so out of date.
Sounds like a circular statement that never resolves itself.
Perhaps after a Brazilian wax? Maybe after razor grooming silky smooth? LOL! What a beautifully phrased paragraph that just warmed the cockles of my heart.
I am amazed, genuinely amazed at how the people that we have taken on as partners now recite what the issues are in elaborate circular ways but never actually help or do anything about them!
When I heard the tale I didn't hear if there was hair or a lack of hair involved. That might paint a different picture. Smooth ballin, lol!
Lot of talk but no action, just directives. That's about the time I like to be lacking comprehension to test communication skills, lol. Seriously though, this circular speech seems to be some sort of trend/brain disease that is on the verge of going viral.
😂 What a picture! I wonder if tough enough to take down bowling pins without a splatter mess.
It seems that P1’s don’t happen too often for your group, that’s a good thing lol. I’d get P1’s at least once a week, my worst was three times in a day. Those were the glory days. I’m on the project side now but I’m finding it a little boring and I think I’ll try and dip my toes back into the support side of my company. It’s fun being on those crisis calls, watching people who can’t handle pressure cry like a schoolgirl.
Yeah, the team I am in have been lucky that we only get the odd P1 every couple of weeks but they have no idea what to do and the do indeed cry like girls almost to the point they can't do anything!
I am usually in projects too but my last big one went live and they have been fighting the fires ever since!
Haha that's good, I remember sitting with a colleague of mine during a P1 and the guys got some issues, I get that but his hands were trembling like he had Parkinson's lol I was like whoa dude it's not that serious calm down let's work through it.
I've got two projects that are dumpster fires right now and it feels like the support days! I think that's why I'm trying to get back into the support side. I'm the one doing the analysis it seems, not the support people lol. Might as well get paid to do that instead of the project!
That sounds a lot like my place. It has gone from being a smooth running machine to a dumpster fire. The whole place! As I said though, we got rid of loads of experienced folk and replaced them with cheap cut and paste contract staff. Meh
If El-Jefe acts like a Hyena, then he must be stubborn like it 😁
Oh he is stubborn. Stubborn as a mule! I am not sure where that falls on the greens scale but it must be high! :0D
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I am glad I am not part of emergency "broken patch" sessions! :D
On a side note: Does the moisturizing help keep them riding high, or encourage gravity to pull them closer to the ground?
These emergency sessions are now quite hilarious as everyone repeats what has happened in as many strange ways as they can without adding anything positive. A bit like a polycub announcement post comments section! :OD
I think surely it would make them drop lower, I would say I must investigate but erm, nah!
:D :D
Just to spell it out for others: They would actually have to know something to add something useful
Google term: nutsuck softener
didn't find much, but this might suit EL Jefe and his chins:
Oh my lanta, this has me cracking up just as much as reading MB's post. I would find myself busting my gut open from laughing if I was to ever see anyone wear this shirt. Thank you both for making my morning.
I am not sure there are many who would have the courage to wear that but if they did I would applaud them!!
Lol, I know right.
I think that would be very fitting for him! It would work very well in calls!!
I think the answer to point number 2 depends on how much menthol is present in the moisturizer. Once there is a sufficient cooling sensation ... there is bound to be contraction, allowing the jewel pouch to tuck in.
Source
Subsequently, if you mistakenly substitute Tiger Balm for moisturizer ... well, we won't even discuss those fiery balls from hell.
That is why Tiger Balm should never be kept in the bathroom!!
Of all the substances that should require a child-proof cap .... Tiger Balm is fairly high on the list.
Hot damn yes, for the smell if nothing else!
NINKY-NONKS 🤣🤣
This alone was worth the time to read!!
Must... follow
@meesterboom
I am glad someone noticed the ninky-nonks! :OD
I noted that you have a date of 1953 on your profile,
Very rare for me to find someone older than myself in the Hive!!
I'm almost 58 and my steemit/,hive birthday is May 11th and I'll be 5 for Hive 💖
I am getting on a bit but not that old! Bang on the half century here. I put that bit in my profile to mess with another user who seemed to think that everything in my profile/bio was a link to Satan 🤣
😹
In 2013, I did something similar when worked in the support of a telecom operator and 70% of our network collapsed... but it was not exactly a local chat, but a chat of the whole company with the CEO, CIO and CTO inside. As a result, I was rewarded with money, cuz (next is an approximate CTO quote at the award ceremony):
Haha, that is exactly what is needed at times!
You were lucky though, It could have gone either way, you might have gotten a kick up the hairy ass :0D
Well, it was a justified risk, because I was going to quit soon. Everything turned out pretty well for my hair and impudent ass :)
Hehe, I do like that time before you quit when you know you are going to and can be a little loose with the place you work with. It's very satisfying!
Excuse me sir! Please note that I behaved very responsibility despite my intrinsic motivation. After all, I could have send naked ass for no reason, just like that, rather than signaling a priority 1 incident.
As long as there is a reason then anything is possible!! 🤣🤣
Amen Brother!!!
Also ... there is the possibility that all of your customer simply forgot all of their passwords on the same day. If you can't blame the customer, then who can you blame?
I will have to suggest that one to them. Ibet they will love it. Its not our fault, its ALL of our customers faults! hehe!
How does El-Jefe keep stacking up chins when he has to put up with ne'er-do-wells like you guys at work? I would have thought all his weight would be stressed out of him 😂😂
I think he comfort eats. It's the only explanation I can think of!! :0D
Poor El-Jefe the Hutt😢
Never pity the monsters!
Ah, yes, that, what was I thinking 🤦🏾♂️.
Youre a Christmas tree of Zingers Boom. A spring breeze from my loin on the company dime, is part of our benefits package lol
!PIZZA
There aren't many benefits so you have to take what there is!! :0D
In the old days it was simple. You'd spend the first hour of the day telling people that their cleaner had pulled the plug out of the modem to plug in their vacuum cleaner, move their fax machines away from the radiators because that's why their fax rolls were going black and to stop plugging their phones into the dedicated Telex socket because the 80V was making them smoke before getting back to creating arses out of asterisks and sending them to the Duke of Edinburghs' Telecom Gold account and chatting with random strangers on 'Talkabout'.
That was once the cutting edge of technology and I was totally fucked on the odd occasion someone rang up asking why he couldn't pick up his carrier tone...
Ahhh you youngsters don't know how easy you have it!
Hahaha haha, you are right!!!
Although I do remember back in the days of mostly working in the office of doing heehaw till about half past ten and then not much after lunch. Some glory days they were!! :0D
Definitely not much after lunch as by the time the pub shut at 3, there was only an hour before hometime at BT lol
Sounds fecking marvellous! The way it should be!
The perfect ending... why don't they just cut to the chase and start out that way? Who are we going to blame after Putin? We are running out of scapegoats.
Happy Friday, Boomy! Beer Saturday is almost upon us.
Hola milady!!! Happy Friday it is! I am on hols for a week starting from tomorrow so I have the holiday spirit!
Yes, all meetings should start that way and save a lot of time 🤣🤣
Oh!! Where are we going? Pshaw! You are always feeling like its a holiday!
I'm jelly!! I need one of those!!
I think I need one too. Going up into the bitter North of Scotland again. Well, I say again but really it's the last holiday which was cancelled because of covid!
Don't worry, it will be freezing and rainy. Not too amazing!
It has got to be just short of amazing. You are going. You don't do crap vacations. Oh, I am thinking of Spain again. I was booked to go to the Caribbean again for some sun, but, the State Department send me one of their little emails saying the country was a no-go.
Le sigh.
Perhaps I might have to consider somewhere else. I actually loved the Northern part of Scotland. The scenery was epic and then again, there is Fort William and Nessie! What is not to love!!!
Have fun, Boom! Take some pictures!
Hehe, I do like Fort William, I haven't been in ages. Must get back there. I say North but I'm cheating really, I am going north to the middle. Lol!
Don't say Spain! I miss there terribly, we are thinking if heading to the Balearic Islands maybe in September. That would be awesome!! The Caribbean works be much better but Spain will do for now!
That is sort of North-ish, right? North of you is North.
Spain! Spain! Spain! I just turned down a trip two weeks ago because I didn't want to fly all the way over there so, I will just go to the Caribbean to warm up. It is only a two-hour flight or a drive down to Florida to hop a ship and boom. I am there.
I thought Spain is better than the Caribbean, although lots of different islands with totally different cultures and they feed you free booze all day long.
I'm in.
Ah, to be paid for gifs and poops, now that is the life!
Sounds like El jefe has packed on the covid 25 I keep hearing about, haha, maybe some ads about hiking could also be of help :0)
I fear he is not alone in packing in the COVID beef. I looked at myself in the gym today and felt like giving myself a kicking!!!
But at least I know, I don't think he does. He looks in the mirror and see James Bond!!
Gotta get your priorities right 🤣
Always!!!
😁
As I read I wondered , where is @meesterboom , his colleagues do not let him speak , I thought , there is no lack of people everywhere who want to stand out , however people who manage low profile tend to give better ideas , it is my opinion , in the end I see that they finally ask you a question so that you can give your opinion , I suppose that you help to solve the problem .
Hey, yesterday I was looking at some NFTs, I thought, @meesterboom should do some, I've seen some horrible ones, however they pay a lot of money for them, you with your talent could get very good money, it's an idea that I share with you, think, you could have much success, you won't need to ejaculate in the sock anymore, and the good lady thing I wouldn't tell you, you're disgusting, that makes me laugh, I imagine her pretty face saying that haaaaaaaaa.
I have seen the NFT market and havent often thought of dabbling in it but I dont really have the time.
Perhaps one day, of course by then it will be too late!
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So, you've been to our Ohio bookshops have you.
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