The Evil Meat King

When was the last time you ate meat?

The Good Lady smiled from across the table. Her face, slightly mocking like a snowman with a large parsnip for a nose.

Excuse me? Ate meat? What the hell do you mean by that?

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat as if that little pinkie-tip sized pile that visits every Christmas had come to roost in my bum-nook early.

It's a simple question. I mean, when was the last time you ate meat? You know, meat... UM UM UM!

The Good Lady snapped the air around her like a berserk Pac-Man.

I snorted, half in contempt and half in fear. What was this? What was going on here? Had I done one of those big Venusian shits again? Had she been upstairs and witnessed the aftermath?

Fuck. Did that mean she was going to send me up there to scrub the toilet? I did it last month, surely making me do it again so soon was against the Geneva convention?

Erm, yesterday. Yup, yesterday. I wolfed down a whole big giant steak. Oh yes, it was like half a fucking cow. Mmm mmm, yummy cow. Mmmm.

I gave myself a tummy rub to emphasise my big lie.

Oh really. A steak. Yesterday..?

The Good Lady cocked her head to the side as if seeing David Hasselhoff's nipple touching face for the very first time.

I jutted my lower jaw out. What the funkin-Duncan was going on here? Why was the Good Lady obsessing about meat? I mean the toilet hadn't been mentioned so I was obviously in the clear on that front but something was definitely going on. Something mysterious...

She laughed then thought for a moment, tossing her hair with a small flick to the side.

Well, It's just that... I don't actually think you have eaten meat in ages. Like, not one bit. I was starting to wonder if... Well, you know... You were coming over to the Dark Side?

She made a little bobbing motion with her head as if in prison and pointing out a grass to get shanked.

I leapt to my feet.

Now hang on a minute lady! Are you suggesting for one minute that I go all 'Tina Turner and roam the streets in a Tutu and heels of an evening?!

I shook my head to try and stop Private Dancer reverberating back and forth inside my skull.

Sweet bloody Jeebus. I am appalled that you are doubting my love for the lady parts because I haven't eaten a burger or two for a while?

I huffed like a Labrador smelling pocket biscuits.

Oh Daddy-Bear. You are such a drama queen.

She giggled, no doubt imagining me dancing on a pole for money.

I am not a drama queen. You are the one that said 'Dark Side'. What 'Dark Side' are you wittering on about if not that?

I sat back down.

The Good Lady flapped her hands excitedly like a Dental Assistant standing in a barrel of fish.

The Vegetarian dark side, of course. You know I dabble with it and I know you don't like to admit it but I know you kind of do also.

Her eyelashes fluttered at me as if promising all manner of sexy witchery if I really were to turn to the Dark Side.

I bloody well am not. That a disgusting accusation to make. And anyway. You are completely wrong.

I stood again, to my fullest height. A height that made even horses swoon.

Yup, you are completely wrong. I ate EGGS yesterday! EGGS! See, eggs are meat. In fact, eggs are the worst kind of meat. The Meat of the unborn!!

I made evil clutching motions with my hands.

I AM THE EVIL MEAT KING!

The Good Lady listened patiently till my evil Meat King laughter had subsided.

Pffft. Eggs aren't meat and you know it. Admit it. You are turning vegetarian!

She let out an evilly disdainful laugh of her own then as if catching me with my penis in a bowl of custard.

I made to speak but instead sputtered like a soggy firework.

Looks like it might be time for me to dig out the Tina Turner wig.