The Governess

in #life3 years ago

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Hey, have you seen this? It's outrageous!

I shoogled my phone at the Good Lady in that way that 21st-century people do because they don't have printed newspapers anymore to shake and harrumph with.

Kinda busy here Daddy-Bear.

The Good Lady was glaring at her phone as it said things in a strangely alluring female Finnish accent.

Han on velho.

Her phone said flirtatiously.

Bloody DuoLingo, why is it obsessed with Wizards!?

She tossed her phone to the side and glared at me.

Right, saltyballs. What were you interrupting my Finnish lesson for?

She chuckled as if having balls saltier than the sea was something not to be proud of. Ha, just wait till she found out that we hadn't actually had any parmesan for months. Enjoy your pasta now, woman.

This... Look, it's madness. Look at the cash involved!!

I handed over my phone to the Good Lady so she could see the article I was reading. It was a piece about the rise of Governesses in the UK.

The last time I had ever heard the term Governess it had been in an Enid Blyton novel from my childhood way back in the Mesozoic era.

*Governess

noun
(especially in former times) a woman employed to teach children in a private household.
*

I had thought them to be as dead as the dinosaurs I had rode in on that morning but no. It seemed as though they yet lived. Not just living but thriving.

It says there that they can earn £1300 a week for governessing?!!?

I puffed up my cheeks so I looked like the fat Scottish singer of that band Marillion no-one has ever heard of.

The Good Lady looked uneasy.

Well, if people are willing to pay then well done to those that can fill the niche?

She passed my phone back warily as if it were a donkey's penis which was sweating and twitching in that don't cut the red wire kind of way.

1300 smackers for teaching some kids how to sing baa baa black sheep. I mean, that's pretty awesome.

I could feel my eyes growing shiny and round at the thought of such untold riches falling from the sky.

Hey, I hope you arent hinting for me to start advertising to be a Governess. I have told you, I will look for a job when the time is right.

The Good Lady folded her arms defensively across her squeakers.

I threw my head back and laughed long and loud.

You? No, my darling. I wasn't hinting for you to do it at all!

I slapped my thigh because I had seen someone in a movie do it once to signify mirth and thought it would read well when it came time to write this tale.

I meant me!

I beamed at her.

What? How would that work, you're not in any way a governess?

The Good Lady snorted, lowering her head and pawing her leathery hooves at the carpet.

I nodded. She had a point.

Ha, you are right. I will have to fashion some kind of old meaty vagina thing to wear.

A meaty what?! Ugh, you are disgusting sometimes. Anyway, it's not about vaginas its about teaching kids. You don't have any experience teaching kids!

She looked exasperated as if I had asked her to unblock the hoover again.

Dont know about teaching? I'd teach them pesky kids alright. I would teach them with my bloody vagina!

I grinned and cupped my hands as if tickling fish in a river and throwing them at her.

Oh my word. Please tell me you didnt just go there? Have you any idea what you just said?

The Good Lady looked appalled and shook her head.

What, whats wrong with saying that? Goodness me, are you saying you would prefer it if I said I would teach the little blighters with my penis????

Now it was my turn to look appalled. I turned away from the Good Lady and tutted.

God's, woman. What are you, some kind of monster?

Grunting in disgust at her, I got up and headed into the kitchen for more coffee.

You think you know someone...

Sort:  

You can show this article to the Good Lady...

we hadn't actually had any parmesan for months

Then ask her again ...

are you saying you would prefer it if I said I would teach the little blighters with my penis????

Soon, she'll be helping you with your labiaplasty. (I imagine yours would need a little nip/tuck)

I think mine might need a giant nip/tuck. They would need to use a literal spade to tuck me in!! :OD

You have the links to the worst content I have ever seen, It is like you have the links to all the worst things that go on in my head, LOL!

!ENGAGE 30

Coincidentally, I know someone who worked there ... so I heard the story first hand. Internally, they nick-named the investigation "Spunk Gate".

Hahaha, oh that's too good! That is right up my street naming wise

The media didn't touch on the fact that management didn't know whether it was just one target or where there were others. All folks in physical proximity to where spunky sat needed to get STD tested.

One of the advantages of working from home ... you never have to worry about this sort of thing happening.

Yeah, I do feel a certain comfort in not worrying about mad shit happening in the attic where I spend most of my life these days!

Thank you for your engagement on this post, you have recieved ENGAGE tokens.

The 2005 Pride and Prejudice movie - being the sort of person that has a lion's head for a profile picture maybe you haven't seen it, but I'm sure your wife has - the vicar. That's what I'm seeing you as. Wide brim black hat. All black with shoes that make a lot of clicking sounds when you walk. You've just got to say a few random things that don't make any sense with a very serious face and your pupils will be terrified. You've got that 1300 in the bag.

I fell the role would suit me very well. Judging by my average work performance in which I can on almost exactly like that it wouldn't be a big leap! :0)

I know the words to baa baa black sheep -- I even know the words to plastic jesus... where do I sign up??? Good to see you again!

Hey hey dude!!!

Ah yes, we should all sign up!! Just imagine the state of the next generation them! :0D

Hey salty balls, isn't it baa baa rainbow sheep these days? It is here anyway. Wouldn't want to go recially vilifying sheep...Or confusing kids anymore than they are...I mean they don't know if they're male, female or other as it is.

They are confused these days. That's what they need, me infiltrating the works of this modern living and showing them the West that things should be!!

Fuck sake, that actually sounds terrible. I think I might quite whilst I am still ahead!! ;0)

Lol...Yeah, those kids are a lost cause mate...Just work on your own and prepare them for whats to come.

Lol. I will be training them to be survivalists!

Stop teasing me...Don't say it unless you mean it.

Hehe, s'true!!

$1300 a week?? That's highway robbery! I would hold out for $1500 and a free conversion.

Hehe, you are right of course!! I'm holding out for it ALL!!!

Oh!! Then go for the upgraded version!! I won't crawl out of bed for less than $1500!! And no nappies!! Draw the line in the sand!

Nappies, ugh. Definitely not, I have only just got the little boom out of nappies as we somehow almost forgot about training him out of them! I am glad I don't have to do that anymore!

With your new meaty article of entrapment will you be changing your name to meesterbooty by chance?

Hola missy!! Hows ya?

Meesterbooty has a splendid ring to it!!! MeesBooty isn't quite the same so yes, that's aw winner!

Hahaaa being in Scotland wouldn't you be MacBooty? lol....things are good here, just trying to skate around all the covid crap, politcal crap and the work crap. Come to think of it, it sounds pretty shitty lol. Good to see you and hear your tales!!

That sounds exactly like it is over here!! One day the covid crap will be over at least. Who knows about the rest of it!! :0D

What would you fashion a meaty vagina thing out of?

Asking for a friend.

I am tempted to just say MEAT but I hadn't thought it out beyond in my head the idea of having access to limitless piles of mouldering meat that I could mould like plasticine into some big purple seashell shape! :OD

Mrs Doubtfire springs to mind.., how are you with makeup?

image.png

Thats exactly how I saw myself. Big swishing skirt and a big beefy vulva made out of cow cheeks duct taped onto my arse or something.

Make up might be a problem but for 1300 a week I will find a way! :OD

You may need to raise your vocal octaves a little. Put an elastic band around your nuts... quite tight, that should do it.

A man who speaks from experience!!!

I can be quite high pitched at the best of times. I would never have cut it as a gangster!

A man who speaks from experience!!!

Yes, I watch too much of that BDSM shit that governs the TV at midnight. I need to go bed earlier 😃. Does this one live close to you?

https://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/entertainment/celebrity/meet-scots-dominatrix-lady-voluptia-22875983

Hahahahha!!! Oh man, Pollockshields isnt too far away from me. She is quite the thing eh! My goodness, I might pass on those services! :OD

Haha... TV these days, I rarely watch it unless I'm half dead and almost asleep... and then it's either https://www.channel5.com/show/xxxmas-meet-the-sex-slaves/ or that Naked Attraction..

The missus is usually asleep next to me, but doesn't give a damn anyway!

I was thinking ... Mrs. Doubt. The firing part would happen after they introduced themselves.

:-)

You can see your hairy navel!! lol

Lol. Isn't it a fine thing!

Your shirt is too short, but that's fashion!

Just go full Mrs. Doubtfire. I'm sure you've got the panache for that!

For that kind of money, I'm sure I could pull it off... Literally!!! :0D

The content got me glued, as they were of the Shakespeare standard and demands full attention to decide the encoded message. Being a governess however, should be a decision and not just a money motivated act

Shakespearian, hahaha. Yes, something like that ;O)

Its always about the money!! Money rules the world!

1300 smackers for teaching some kids how to sing baa baa black sheep. I mean, that's pretty awesome.

Hahahaha what a hilarious description for a job lol. Sounds so easy until you have the actual kids in your presence.

Yeah, it does sound so easy until you are expected to teach them actual maths n shit. Then it goes downhill rapidly! :OD

I can't remember much math.... Although I was eating it on bread like butter in highschool. My brain did me a favor and washed it away. Thank you brain. I hated math. Absolutely dreadful.

It's the least our brains can do for us, is to wash the math nonsense free and leave is free to live!

hello dear friend @meesterboom good morning

Good that you are back with your funny skits.

For that money it sounds very good to pretend to be a lady as a governess, after having raised my children, I think I can teach any child.

have a great day

If all we have to do is put on a dress for a grand a week then I say YES! :OD

Exelente post, el cuento es estupendo, gracias por compartir.

Gracias!! Compartiendo me da placer!! :0D

Por eso esta es una plataforma SOCIAL, a mi tambien me agrada el interactuar, saludos.

Ha, just wait till she found out that we hadn't actually had any parmesan for months.

Laughed out loud, but also had some disturbing vivid imagery pop in my mind. 😅🙈

And now for something completely different, a useless fact:

In Finland they greet each other with 'Moi'. (Pronounced like Oi! With an M in front of it, not the French thing.) Just like they do here in the region of Oldambt.

There the things the Oaldamster language and Finnish have in common begin and end though. (As far as I know.)

1300 a week? That is almost 1 Bitcoin per year! Go for it!