Fuduppa fuduppa fuduppa fuduppa fuduppa
I tilted my head to the side. An odd noise was coming from my car as I drove down a narrow street toward the beer shop.
In fact, I noticed that the car had started bobbing up and down as if I were riding a three-legged horse at full gallop.
Fenrir's BALLS?!
I yelled as the FUDUPPA FUDDUPPA FUDDUPPA noise grew louder and the car frantically heaved up and down like a cheap hooker trying to get the job done before the next client arrived.
There was definitely something squiffy going on. I pulled into the side of the road and killed the engine.
Right you, you motherfucking ball munching bastart, what's going on?
I gave the car a kick as I hauled myself out of the seat so that it knew who was boss. I didn't want it galloping away and leaving me at the side of the road.
Oh. Oh bugger.
At the roadside, I could see what the problem was. My left front tyre was flat as a pancake and also looked a bit ripped as if it were a condom David Banner had been wearing before he stubbed his toe and went HULK MAD.
I chuckled. Fucking flat tyre, I had never had one before but there was a spare in the boot. I would have this torn old thing off in no time and the spare on.
Fucking doddle.
I sashayed confidently to the back of the car and yanked at the covering in the boot that concealed the spare tyre.
Ha, there it was. Nestled in its own special bat cave in the boot.
Something twisted in my stomach.
It was quite spectacularly flat. The rubber looked all perished like an old woman's flange that had been left out in the sun too long.
My knees buckled slightly.
I had failed.
I had failed a man test. All men should be able to start a fire, tie a Trucker's Hitch, nod their chin at girls in a sexy way without looking like a confused duck and also be able to change a tyre.
It was the law.
And here I was, unable to fulfil one of the sacred tenets.
There was nothing for it. I would have to phone a real man to come and help me.
With a burning sense of shame, I pulled my phone out and through a haze of fail tears tapped away at the number of the breakdown company.
Alright my son? What's the problem then, you never changed a tyre?
The breakdown man had arrived in a gigantic truck with powerful lights shining out from every orifice like the spaceship from ET.
He was a big and burly fellow who looked like he should have been menacing goats from under a bridge rather than rescuing damsels in distress such as I.
Of course I have fucking changed a tyre, ha!
I laughed slightly manically as I lied about my tyre-changing prowess.
I waved what I hoped was a gnarly man fist at the spare in the boot.
It's flat, so I was kinda fucked.
I doled out as big a testosterone-laden smile as I could and hoped that I wouldn't be found wanting.
Space-Troll looked at the spare tyre, then at me, then at the spare tyre again before finally turning to me once more with a quizzical stare.
Aye, it looks fucked all right. You not got any duct tape?
His eyes bored into me, weighing me with their heavy gaze.
My arse felt as if my stomach had thrown a cannonball at it and my insides lurched to and fro like a bouncy castle at a kids' party.
OMG, duct tape? Duct tape? Of course?! Duct tape fixes everything? I could have fixed the spare with duct tape somehow and gained my man credentials back.
I... Erm...
But I had no duct tape with me.
I realised that the man game I had winged for so long was over. The game was truly a bogey.
Wehhhhhhh weh wehhhhhh! Only kiddin mate, you cannae fucking duct tape a tyre!
He chuckled in a way that most likely made women swoon. Bleakly I remembered when I had been able to chuckle like that.
Not now.
I will get that fixed in two jiffs!
He headed back to his van and shortly returned with all manner of large metal things covered in manly oil and grime.
Friday eh? Havin a beer tonight?
He grunted as he heaved at my car's nethers.
Aye, I might have one or two...
I shook my head in disgust.
One or two million more like.
I'd be screwed if I ever had to change a tyre too, with the way mine are on I'm not heavy enough to loosen the nuts XD
the last time we got a flat, J had to jump on the tyre iron and he's heavier than me x_x
Now I better check if our spare has air XD
Did you survive the few million beers? D:
He did struggle a bit with some of the nuts and he had this massive wrench thing. I only have a puny one, haha!
I did survive although I feel a little fragile as I was out in the real world drinking and I am not totally used to it!
Are you sure that’s from drinking out in the real world, I seem to remember you often feeling fragile after drinking at home too 😜
Hahahahah, no no. I am absolutely convinced that it is only because I was out and about because I am always fine in the house.
I swear ;O)
A likely story that I do not believe in the slightest XD
Hehe, yes indeed. You pierce me but pierce me with border truthings! 🤣
Somehow I don't think it would be galloping off 🤣
That's a new one! I've never even seen Red Green do that 😂
This post has been manually curated by the VYB curation project
If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.
Handy is good. It is quite the attractor!
@wrestlingdesires and I are both referring to the Red Green Show, the manliest television program to ever emerge from Canada.
I clicked the link and remarkably it was not blocked! It looks quite the funny show: O)
Bid the Good Lady farewell, because once you start binge-watching this, you probably won't emerge until the series is done.
In that case I might have to steer clear of it, I have a giant queue of stuff to get through!
Although I had a sneak peek and the first episode I cam,e upon was "The Beef Project" lol! I might have to watch it now
It really is, and has some good ideas too!
!PIZZA
Well said!
I think that ultimately the problem is always pancakes in some respect!
Oh deary me, this was a pickle you had got yourself into! I am going to give you something now...a gift! Earlier I wanted to go out and when I was on my way back home, the road looked a lot darker than it should have. I checked that I wasn't wearing my sunglasses instead of my normal specs but I had chosen the correct pair. I stopped my car and went to have a look at my headlights. They were fooked. The right hand side was literally as dead as a doornail and the left side was literally only the tiny side light that was working. So there I was...driving down the road, all manner of oncoming traffic swearing at me under their breath no doubt.
"What the fuck? Why does she have to shine her brights? Let's shine ours right back so she switches hers off."
And there's little old me going "I'm so sorry guys, I'm sorry. My bad."
You wanna know the worst part? I have duct tape and it's going to fix my headlights just as much as it would have fixed your flat...but the absolute fucking donkey ass part is that I have two brand new globes sitting in the door of my car, I just haven't needed them....until now. Guess we'll both be mending our cars tomorrow in one fashion or another.
You deserve a beer after that ordeal. I'm surprised your duct tape buddy didn't offer to buy you one, if I had been him, I would have.
I had a beer sans donkey troll man. In fact, I went mega further and had a beer with only friends who I could twist the tale into victory man win wit
I would like to think that no one could accuse you of not duct-taping hard enough. Then again I would like to think that I couldn't be accused of the same thing too, lol!
I'm glad you went and had a beer and told a tale that wasn't as woeful, I need to check my spare tyre, I haven't looked at that thing for a while, it's probably also flat.
We'll be back on the duct taping horse soon Meesterboom, we just need to keep trucking. I'm glad you got it sorted and that you got it sorted without damage to your car, even if it dented your pride a bit. These things happen and at least you made it fuck off funny :)
Get checking that spare! I shall never again get caught out. Although Iprobably will, haha.
I did have a consolatory beer or six last night. In the pub too! It healed me :O)
Healing powers of beer after being tyred out, it's been documented in history for decades. I think I'm going to do just that first thing in the morning, check that spare and put in my new headlight bulbs, I might even end up washing the car :)
Steady, washing the car might be going a tad too far!! :0)
Lol, I always do that, go right to the edge and then jump off hahaha. I managed to sprain my neck last night somehow so there will be no fucking car washing today! I'm feeling my age today.
Workin on cheeky chin nod now. Deleting creepy American smile took a little longer than expected. One thing at a time.
Creepy American smile is a bonus power!! ;OD
Unless you're an American trying to blend in Europe!
= }
I thought it would have even more power as an American in Europe!!
A welcome American in Europe? You're fuckin with me, right?
Is it truly not the case? All the people Iknow are truly turned by a Yankee accent!
People you know as in your fellow Scot's? Our accents can stop a Scot in their tracks and most English too. Both are friendly and curious but the farther south you go (funny - autocorrect had farter) not so much. Not all of Europe of course but you know how the bad always outweighs the good. Even on reddit subs if I'm looking for specific information or tricks to a countries culture, they're full of Europeans talking shit on Americans how we're doing/do this or that or something they despise and are like "go home!" = }
That's why each time we depart someone's company we've befriended my line is 'we're off to change opinions of Americans, one person at a time.'
Italy, for example, dude I can't tell you how many times a cab driver peeled out errrrt! after stopping for us cuz we hailed them over but once they hear my voice—GONE!
Ps—brilliant punch lines here man. Three legged horse in a gallop and your insides like a bounce house—bravo and bravo'er.
The man!! Dont get me fucking started, had to buy 3 fucking tyres in 3 months. At this rate I'll need to start planning and budgeting for it😂😂
What are you ranting about? Mumbling things like "I failed the test" bullshit brother, you merely haf the wrong damn tool! Fuck that!
Three tyres?! I could barely afford one this month. If I had to buy more than one I would be getting a horse :OD
Yeah.. Legitly dude.... I bought two new tyres for the front.. I drove like a month maybe 2 months with them and fucked one of them up🙋♂️ FUCKing A
That's right. The roads bad your way? I have been driving for years in that car and this is the first flat I have had!
It is very bad.. Not that bad.. But we have alot of potholes that in someway blends in with the road making it very hard to see... And especially on rainy days..
Im from South Africa... Ill need to get myself a proper pickup truck or something..
Perhaps a horse like you said.. We have 14 on the farm.. I can have my pick xD
Well there you go. Horses and trucks. A combo of both and you should be laughing. my car cant deal with the tiniest of potholes I need something new myself
That's your Christmas present sorted out...
https://www.halfords.com/tools/garage-equipment/breakdown-essentials/holts-tyreweld-500ml-122260.html
Duct tape.....I bet they're having a right old laff down the AA...
At least the weekend can't get much worse ;-)
Hehe, thats what I had before but I used it on the bike when I got a puncture and never bothered replacing it! I need to get some.
I bet the guy had a right laugh. I totally froze when he said it as if it might have been a possibility!
It's ok mate, you have that manly beard of yours to verify your manliness. All is well.
You...do have...your beard still right?
Right?
Ok, in the absence of beard-status...You have power tools right? I think, even a circular saw. This is enough to reinstate manliness, even to a duct tapeless, no tyre changing, beardless chap...especially if you drink a few beers before you operate it, six or seven should do the trick.
I've got the saw! I am there! I have not relinquished all manliness just yet.
Now I just need to work on the beard. Mine is a straggly creature. It always makes me look shifty af!!
Yay for circular saws!
Re: Scraggly beards...Go for a big moustache with curled ends...that makes up for the lack of a beard. Gangs of NY style.
I have always fancied those curly 'taches! I think it would be the final thing I need to be the gentleman I truly am!!
You must...And once appropriately 'stached you will then be henceforth considered to be of the Gentry.
Oooo, that has a nice ring to it!
You'll be able to (officially) have serfs. It's glorious.
As I was reading this I was reminded of the flat tyre scene in A Christmas Story. Lol.
I'm really screwed if I get a flat in the new EV, there's no spare!
Haha, I think I will always be goosed when it is time to change a tyre wether I have a spare or not. I was hopeless.
That is an awesome clip, lol!
Too right, those mechanical monsters need putting their place!
They do, I think I might set mine on fire for its betrayal! :O)
Flat tires? Meh. Been there, done that. I should tell the story of how I almost lost a wheel... !BEER
Almost losing one? Oh you really should but that must have a post for maximum earning potential!
Oh horrors !
I know how to change a tire, but I have never had to change one by myself. I've been lucky not to have too many issues while out and about, but when I did, someone always came along to help.... and I was SO thankful !
Now I'm too old and shabby for all of that, so I happily pay for AAA coverage for such things and if I get stranded, I just call and wait and some nice man drives up in a nice truck and takes care of ... whatever. ( Not THAT whatever.... because I'm sure the premiums would be higher for that ! ahahaahha)
Hahaha, imagine it was that whatever ... what a fine travelling service that would be. Hehe.
I do like the AA cover. I would have been lost without it!
You guys spell it tyre with a Y? Huh. I thought maybe it was meboom speak, but I see @ryivhnn spelling it that way too...why would someone change a letter in that word? It literally sounds the exact same, we've got lots of other words where Y sounds like I... I'm flummoxed I tell you!
As for changing tires,err tyres, I once changed one in a snowstorm. That is a true story! It was actually me and a girlfriend, we were deadset on getting to a party and we managed it! Of course my spare wasn't flat 😅
Holy shit, do you guys spell it without the y? With an I? That mad. In a funny way. If my spare wasn't flat I am sure I would have been ok. Maybe, lol!
I would do the same if it was to get to a party, you cant miss a party!!
You would have had it, I have faith in you!! 😁
Regional spelling?
It's always been a homophone here. I do like different spellings in same sounds because it makes reading a lot quicker (I can just recognise word shape in the stupid way in which I read and don't get slowed down having to check context).
I think y making vowel sounds is why it's "sometimes" a vowel ^_^;
We also spell recognize with a Z, but that one I was aware of 😆
Yup, I mean we have the words eye and rye and fly, so why (lol) change it to an I in tire I wonder... probably only the US, just like our distance and temp measurements ha.
One of them is a centuries long spelling mistake? XD (I had a super quick look online and there's constant disagreements to which one is closer to the original spelling as it was apparently originally either "attire" or "attyre" and I didn't look any further than that, most of the entirety of English drifted).
Doesnt matter what you are wearing, always blame it on not wanting to get dirty. Its kind of a pussy move, but better than looking like you dont know how to change it lol. 🙂
It's a true thing and one that I will have to take on. If you look like you don't want to get dirty then it is a far better thing than looking afraid of actually touching oily things!
See? We do have something in common! I have never changed a tire, ever! Of course, my dad made sure all of his girls knew how to change one before we could get our license.
Seems that putting your hood up has a distress signal attached to it and there is always a gentleman that stops.
Sorry for the trouble!! A flat spare.
Seriously, duck tape doesn't work? Pfft!
Its so funny. I always thought that if it happened I would do it no bother. Then that pesky spare gazumped me!
One day I will change a tyre and retake my place among the gods! :OD
You may get lucky and never have to do it again! I haven't and I have insurance that will come out and change it. A small benefit that I love. Just in case.
Why get dirty when I can pay someone to make me feel secure?
I would rather be s queen. ;)
I must admit there was a certain joy in using the breakdown company. After all, I have been paying them for years and got nothing back.
I think I will be happy with paying someone although I draw the line at queenhood 😜
Oh, you win! But, Im not giving up my crown!
Exactly! I no longer have to prove myself! The insurance company has top secret clearance. They can be trusted with all my secrets.
We should give the insurance companies all of our secret things. We can trust them!!
Not mine!! It's government! They're probably watching me write this! ✍️
You eventually made me grabbed a rope and tried tuckers hitch. 😆😆Practiced it fews time and concluded that somehow I don't deserve that credential. I'm good at something but not this shit!you made my day. that song is cool,I love it by the way!😂😂😂
The song is really funny, I cant get it out of my head now!
Hahaha. I'm so like you. Don't have a clue when it comes to car stuff. More importantly though. Where can I get my hands on this book?
Book!? Book!? That would be an ecumenical matter!! :0D
I once saw a guy doing 50+ MPH on a flat tire for several miles. He seemed oblivious to it. Lots of fuduppa until the tire started shredding. Then disintegrating. Then he went another couple of miles on the rim alone, sparks flying. As I took my exit, he was still driving and apparently still clueless about what was happening. Maybe he was deaf? Even then though, wouldn’t you feel that the car was struggling?
Oh man, I have no idea how anyone could not know that there was something wrong. That noise was enough for me and then the car started bouncing up and down like nobodies business!!
People be crazy! :0D
It's embarrassing for a girl to pass by and find you confused with the car tire. driver and car stomach appears to be the same 😏
That's why I like to do my car repairs toplesd. I don't want to let the girls down 😜
It's strange, funny and unfortunate that in the end the solution is duct tape.
I think that in the end duct tape is the solution to everything
Your spare was flat too!?! Damn. That's bad luck. I was wondering how duct tape was going to solve the problem 🤣😆
Made way more sense that it was a joke lol
Everything was flat. I was caught in a weird man hell where nothing worked and yet everything was expected to work!
Yeah that is a hell indeed. Doesn't help when the tow truck guy is sassy as well, questioning a guy's manhood. Lol
He didn't look the humorous type either. Looked like a big unhappy beast!
That's never good 😂
I love your storytelling. It's hilarious, and your descriptions are 100% on point. I literally heard that tyre going fuduppa, fuduppa as I read this!
I do think that fuduppa fuduppa was a pretty good detection of that noise! :0)
what i want to say:
But i'm not about kicking a man when his down.
What i will say:
!LOL !PIZZA
I know. I didn't deserve them. But damn they were good!! :0D
lol you totally deserved them. if not you, then your EGO!
There aren't enough beers in the world to satisfy the gargantuan beast that is my ego!!
Lol sometimes we all need a good humbling. Keeps it real with that ego! Imagine you were good at everything!
I try to imagine that all the time ;O)
This reminds me of "nwcfenrir", the cheat code of the wolves in Heroes of Might and Magic IV. I have not played this game since years. The Heroes series is one of my all time favorite video game series. My favorite episode is the second. I know that the favorite of most people is the third episode.
I dont think I have played that one, I will have to check it out! :O)
I've had a few flats in my time. I think someone goes around scattering screws on the roads near me. There was one blowout on the motorway that left the tyre well shredded. So I have had to change a few. Need to know the tricks :) I was once complimented on loosening the bolts before jacking the car up. Just have to hope the garage hasn't overtightened them with their air tools.
Duct tape would last about 5 seconds on the road if it even kept the air in.
Some cars don't even come with a spare these days. Use some goo to seal the puncture and use an electric pump. You would think we'd have self-sealing tyres as standard by now anyway.
We all know you're a real many anyway.
I have an electric pump. I just post any thoughts on my head when I saw the spare was flat! I was like heeeeelp
I had the goo but I used it on my bike. It didn't work too well.
I think a blowout on the motorway would be freaky.
Tis my first one, I hope I do better on my next! :0D
A flat spare does leave you pretty screwed. I used to drive a Beetle and that used the air pressure in the spare to drive the windscreen sprays. I assume it might need pumping up to compensate now and then. I bet most people rarely check their spare.
I must confess I have never checked my spare. I kinda assumed that it would be checked during my MOT but I think, like the Aircon fluid, it might be something that they don't do!
How changed the tyre without lever jack? Or you lifted the car, then the real man changed it 😁
The real man had a gigantic metal Jack that looked as if it should be used for lifting pallets of wood!
I just watched with my mouth hanging open :0D
BRO, I AM THE CONFUSED DUCK...
Man, that song is a banger, feel like ive heard his songs, or voice or something before. Maybe ive heard this somewhere, idk.
But dam, flat tires suck. So does a floppy flange lol. Good thing you were in a safe spot when it happened. Keep rockin boom.
He did that What Does The Fox Say don't which did the rounds a few years ago.
Flat tyres and floppy flanges, these are the shitdogs that life serves up sometimes!
Wow you've never changed a flat tire.. I'm almost a professional tire man.. in fact I plugged one of my tires the other day
Funking hell. I have done nothing. I am seriously lacking in the doing stuff department. In my defense we were too poor for wheels when I was growing up!! 😐😐
You think you were poor? If I didn't wake up with a hard-on on Christmas morning then I'd have nothing to play with..
Hahaha, I ain't hard that one before! We were dirt poor, we lived of thievery and cunning!
Meanwhile I was at KFC licking other people's fingers for dinner..
At least it was only fingers... 😜
Don't ask, Don't tell..
Yep, those are all standard...
😂🤣🤣😂🤣😂🤣🤣😂 I bet ya didn't say that to him! I have not had to change a tyre in a good long time thankfully... and now I have just jinxed myself haven't I!! 🤦🤦🤦
Your jinxed!! I hope you haven't forgotten the moves should the need arise!! :0D
Yep, it is written!! Ya, should be able to sort it alright.
I am hoping for the next onei will be alright to sort it!
Thanks… Going to check my spate now. And also make sure the tire pump is still back there.
I will be checking my spare from now on!
Do those companies hire trolls, nowadays? I guess they don't just hide on the internet and underneath bridges then. Even trolls have to make a living now. What a world!
They are always big burly chaps. I think it is all the heavy lifting they do. That or the sleeping under bridges and throwing large rocks at things.
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Hi @meesterboom,you are not the only one who has these mishaps, you use the services of that man and it is his job, when he tells you about the tape, you should have asked him for the ladder box to save it