Now Where Was I

in #life3 months ago (edited)

June.  Maybe the first week, possibly halfway through the second, @NoNamesLeftToUse The Writer/Artist Himself finally heard back from the woman with all the answers, and some of the plans.

NoNamesLeftToUse  Name Tag.png

It was time to go.

I'll explain that later though.  For now, I'd like to simply start at the beginning.

Since somewhere around the middle of May, yours truly and the one offering these words to you now at no cost, was secretly attempting to line up a new writing gig that fell out of the sky and landed directly on my laptop somehow, like magic.  A gig that actually pays.  Something that required at least an ounce of professionalism along with a dash of enthusiasm and maybe a few sprinkles of maturity.  I also had to be there, on time.

The change was to be drastic.  I had spent years, here, on chain, honing my skills.  Finetuning my delivery.  Breaking all the rules of this world.  Aiming to be something different.  Trying new things.  Attempting to perfect the imperfect by keeping it that way.  Always experimenting.  All that with the hopes someday there'd be a solid fanbase here to support and enjoy this nonsense, so I'd never have to actually work again, and finally get to live a life of achieving a few goals while enjoying results, answering to nobody.

The new opportunity found its way to me in the form of an email hiding inside the other messages/potential spam section of my inbox.  Why all the good things often end up there, I'll never know.  And that's a question I'd rather not ask anyway, since it could potentially lead to a boring conversation with someone who's most likely depending on the fact they sounded smart once, so why not try again.

Anyway

Inside what I nearly deleted due to circumstances beyond my control was a longwinded message about my style and the potential.

There's stroking one's ego and then there's aggressively tugging on it with two hands until the mess comes out to join the party.  She did both, and quite well.  I closed that email feeling satisfied, then stepped outside for a cigarette, and time to think.

The next day I responded with something like:

  • Who are you, really?
  • How did you find me?
  • What the hell do you want with me?

Even though the icebreaker she sent initially made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, my first instinct is to always assume people are fucking with me, so I went into cold and prickly mode with a quickness as my defenses were on high alert.

A few days later she responds with a short message and a link to a private Youtube video.  Nearly an hour long.  I press play.  She once again introduces herself shortly after starting with an eerie sounding, "Good afternoon, Damien."

Another one of these goddamn stalker trolls!

I knew it, I thought, while reaching for my pacifiers and wondering where I put my lighter.  How, in the actual fuck, does this woman know my name?

Only a cigarette can calm those kind of nerves.  Nine out of ten doctors would agree if this was 1956 and I don't think much has changed since then in the medical field.

So I'm puffing and she's yapping.  It felt like a recorded video call and was combined with stunning imagery when she'd switch over to record her screen, highlighting this very blog and a number of old posts she had prepared to pull up and talk about.  She ripped me apart in some places, then glued me back together in others.

Turns out this was not a Hive member.  My work simply found its way to her device one day through the magic of internet and the rest is history.  She claims to have read everything published to this blog, including comments.  Every last word including the email address I used to place neatly at the end of every post, four years ago.  Even chuckled after claiming, "I'm your biggest stalker."

I knew it!

But I calmed down after a series of back and forth emails led to the potential of making money, as a writer, for her organization.

Only one job, but a big job.

After several attempts to self-sabotage due to paranoia and an irrational fear of ever allowing anyone to actually meet the man behind the mask and these words, I finally agreed to meet in person, even though the muscle I attempted to hire with the promise of a fun car ride and a free meal would be a no-show.

Sure, I'm a grown-ass man, but my brain insisted I treat this encounter like a young teenager would if they actually had brains.  Unsure if I'm being groomed and about to be molested then sold to a politician; but there I am, traveling to a park, to meet some random from the internet, because they said nice things to me.

She had to travel ten hours to be there at this fancy little gazebo and I had to travel three because I lied about where I actually live.  Smart.

I told her I'd bring the coffees but instead, I arrived two hours early, so I could sit in the vehicle, scope out the place, make damn sure I see her arrive, then sit, alone.  No funny business.

She shows up on time, as I'm sitting there, acting like it's my twelfth day on meth within my mind, feeling like everyone's watching me, as I watch everyone else.  I didn't see anything resembling an entourage of pervs follow her in.  No fake cops with real handcuffs.  The coast was clear, so now it's on to the next part of the plan; coffee.

The goddamn line for the drivethru stretched around the block, probably because of Covid, and the fact that always happens at Tim Horton's, even before the death of the society we all once knew.

Ended up being a half hour late but at least the coffees were hot.

For some reason I was still nervous as I approached, thinking about how I'd use these hot coffees as weapons if someone popped out of the bushes and tried to put a garbage bag over my head then beat me with a small shovel while demanding my Hive keys to go along with those car keys.

All of the isolation and social distancing I'd been experiencing prior to this encounter really did a number on my noggin.

This was to be my first major public appearance in quite some time.  I almost forgot how, but at least the random passersby wouldn't think any less of me if I broke out into sudden public meltdown mode, screaming about how everyone is trying to kill me, since that sort of behavior is 'the new normal'.  So I had that on my side.

"Oh.  I don't drink coffee."

That was the first thing she said to me after, "Hello!  It's nice to finally meet you!  This is such a beautiful city!"

I stared at both cups, trying to decide which one to open first, as she got down to brass tacks.  Strictly business and this woman meant it.  She's still in sales pitch form, kissing my ass, bringing up quotes of mine, throwing compliments my way, comparing my work to a few big names from the past then saying things like, "...and with my team involved, your work could be polished into something so much more than theirs!"

I wasn't buying it.  Didn't need to hear it.  I had already decided, if the money was fair, I'd do the job.  These gigs are easy.  Doesn't even matter if I fuck up; her people will fix it.  As a ghostwriter, my name isn't even involved.  Simply sign the deal, collect the money, do the work, collect the rest of the money, spend the money responsibly, hopefully.

But it's still nice to hear a constant barrage of great things about yourself, so I let her finish, plus I still had plenty of the coffee I worked hard to get.  No way I'd be wasting that in this economy...

She's done, we're now on small talk, getting to know one another a bit better.  The plan was to meet up same time, same place, tomorrow; she'd have the contract ready for me to sign and would provide lunch.

To get back at her for making me drink two coffees then having to take an emergency piss inside one of those ungodly blue porta-potties with the perma-stench and shit smeared on the walls due to crackheads, I thought about saying, "I don't eat lunch," once it's presented to me the next day.

Luckily that was just another one of those random daydreams I get when people are talking to me about the things I forgot to listen to.  That would be so cruel, and I love lunch.

I asked where she's staying.

That's a classic go-to end of a business meeting line everyone should know.  Not only does it create the next chapter of small talk but it also subliminally plants thoughts of it's time to go home now inside the minds of whoever I place under the spell, leading to an end to all things today between us, at just the right moment, before any sort of awkwardness has a chance to set in or I get bored.

She points at her vehicle.  It's a Mercedes Sprinter van.  When she pulled up, I thought it was her bookmobile or some shit.  Delivery van, work vehicle, tax write off, something or other.

Nope.  #Van-life

So I get excited!  I love these conversion vans!  Mobile off-grid living in luxury if you ask me.  So of course I want to see inside, and of course she's excited to show me.

Slides open the door, my jaw drops.  I hop inside and I'm a pig in shit, feeling right at home instantaneously.  I always wanted one of these, I say, as she's talking about having hot water and I'm turning on the faucet to check if she's lying.  For about ten seconds I got to feel what it's like to be Trent from the Trent & Allie Youtube channel, which I highly recommend.

Then outta nowhere...

The door slams behind me; I turn around only to see two rather large individuals dressed in black pop out from behind what I thought was a shower curtain.  It's already too late.  Before I could even process any necessary thoughts, I'm pinned on the floor by one evil bastard while the other shoves a massive dildo the size of Africa through my jeans with force and directly up my ass probably as far as it would go.

I came to find out later they were both lesbians so at least it wasn't gay, but I still find this stuff difficult to talk about, even though it has been two full months since my fifth and final escape attempt.

There's always a silver lining.

It's been nearly five months since my last publication here on Hive.  Back then, I was actually planning to take a break, so at least under those circumstances, I was able to get away from here for awhile and get that job done, so that's cool.  I've also always wanted to spend time living in a van, on the road, or even just down by the river.  I got to do all that, for free yet.  Didn't cost me a dime.

Sure, 2020 has been the year from hell for many.  One should almost expect these unfortunate occurrences but that's still no excuse for that overly extended hiatus of mine.  Some of the best advice I've ever received came from one of those ladies when she said, "Don't tense up.  Stop being a pussy about it and learn to relax."

So I'll try to do better.

It's nice to see you again.

Maybe I'll stick around for awhile.

Credits:
All art and images seen here were produced digitally, by me.
NoNamesLeftToUse Outro.png

"Well that was interesting. I wonder what's next."

© 2020 @NoNamesLeftToUse.  All rights reserved.

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were both lesbians so at least it wasn't gay

Gold.

So, all the while, here's me reading through and I'm thinking this is fucking awesome...I was on the edge of my seat thinking things like this fucker is getting a book deal and I bet she was hot. Then the van thing and yep, this is getting interesting....And...Africa-sized throbbers...Hmm...OK, good one. Ya got me.

Lol...

Well written, as I've come to expect, and very entertaining. I hope you hang around mate, it'll be good to see a little more life around the chain.

I second and concur with this effusive nonsensical comment.

This is what happens when there's contracts involved. Every. Damn. Time.

51 COMMENTS...?!?!?!?!?

Holy-Shmoley…!!! You must be a once popular dude around these parts???

I remember your last break, so I had a hunch you'd come back from the dead to grace us with unequivocal wisdom...

You're right. 51 seems kind of low. But yes, it's standard practice of mine to take a break between seasons. Taking a page out of professional wrestling. Everyone thinks you're dead and then BANG! Outta nowhere! Blow the roof off! Unfortunately we're not playing stadiums on Hive anymore. Maybe someday.

I've taken a few breaks as well over the past nearly three years, for a variety of reasons.

Welcome back...

I was worried for a minute that you might be going legit. Thank fuck for that. Good to see you back and as obtuse and oblique as you were at the beginning.

That break was about as long as my usual break period. I always come back. Not really a fan of overexposure. Time off is needed and comes with a few perks including van dildos now, I guess. Come back feeling refreshed. That's a grind producing content daily. Winter in Canada now. Hopefully I'll be able to manage my time a little better and make this work again for a few months. It's a lot of fun. Fun seeing these reactions as well. Missed it.

And here was I just thinking this morning while sitting on the toilet, 'whatever happened to that Noname fella.?' Great to have you back as well as your Reeling me in just to spit me out posts.

"I was taking a shit when I thought of you." I get that a lot. I must remind people of comfort and a feeling of relief, or something.

No no, I wasn't shitting. I just sit on the toilet for time to think about the bigger questions. For excretions I big a hole in the forest. I should have been more clear, anyway good to have you and your perspective back.
!ENGAGE15

Treating nature like one giant litter box, one forest at a time. That's a cool slogan, man.

Thank you for your engagement on this post, you have recieved ENGAGE tokens.

I knew I recognized your words - your were ghost writing for both sides of the presidential election debates, right?

Welcome back. Officially.

Actually they wouldn't give me clearance this time around. Failed the piss test. Not enough drugs in there.

"my first instinct is to always assume people are fucking with me"

You should have gone with that instinct. I'm sorry/happy to hear about you becoming some lesbians' butt slave (depending on how you feel about butt slavery).

I took about a year off to focus on my actual work so your five months isn't so bad. I only came back when I had to take a week off because I had been super exposed to covid. I might try to make this a regular thing again though.

Even when the money is fair, signing the line means you're taking it up the ass until you're released. That is the sick and twisted moral of the story here.

Almost 2,000 words preamble to get to some lesbian action. Luckily 2020 is what it is and so much time was wasted already I don’t mind having lost another 15 minutes. Next time though, limit the preamble to max. 4 paragraphs, please. Even I stop there.

That's a lot of bang for your buck though. There was on only one way to do this and I thought for sure the size of the post should reflect the size of the dildo.

Pretty long-winded for an excuse, but it entertained me.

Good to see people here reading instead of making excuses not to!

Yay you're back! I was thinking you'd been gone for a while and wondering if you'd quit. I guess stuff like ghostwriting and travelling with people wielding continent sized dildos would keep one preoccupied for a while XD

I think if that account was slowly drying up, and all I do is write garbage about hating the place, that's when you folks will know I'm not coming back. I don't see that happening. All of my posts, none of that was ever planned, it all comes from the top of my head somewhere, naturally. Eventually that well dries up, and I feel it. Then I know it's time to think about something else for awhile, or get some other jobs done, as you see here in this post.

Ah! I understand. It's good that you're back.

Thanks for your understanding on this matter.

You're welcome!

Maybe a name change of "No dildos left to use" after that 5 months adventure?! Welcome back, hope you are feeling refreshed or at least a new perspective after what happened!

I don't think anyone would believe the world has run dry of dildos though. A good name needs to be believable.

"Dry" being the operative word there... 😖

OK, maybe @manydildoslefttouse?

"Good afternoon, Damien."

...and I really thought your name was @nonameslefttouse.., what a comedown.

Peaks and valleys, man. Peaks and valleys.

I had a smile throughout, but finally cracked at

I came to find out later they were both lesbians so at least it wasn't gay, but I still find this stuff difficult to talk about, even though it has been two full months since my fifth and final escape attempt.

That was a nice comeback, and as you have likely seen we have rolled out a rather red carpet. I'm hoping this is a sign for a change in fortunes.

Welcome back!

That was main punchline I started with, then worked my way back, trying to figure out how to get there. Sometimes I get a little carried away I guess.

And 1700 words or so later, you made it.

I'd love one of those vans, minus the big guys and the dildo.

Added four more words to give this post a nice symbolic 2020. A little much by today's standards around here? I hope not...

Those vans though! Totally awesome! A bit of a rough ride but you get used to the dildo eventually.

A solid x4 the average at least, probably more.

ha :) I shall take your words on this matter!

I really doubt this joke would work split up into a four part mini series. Enough in one story for a full set on an open mic though. Maybe it's time to take this show on the road...? Nope, can't, world ended, damn.

Long time no see - seems your life was more exciting than mine ;)

Never a dull moment!

When will this be picked up on netflix?

Probably the day before they go broke.

Now I remember why they fling money at your posts, i missed your deranged shit...

Just doing my thing, man It's good to see you're still around after all these years.

Look what the cat dragged in!
Welcome back!

Did not see that plot twist coming. 😄

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That, "Then outta nowhere," wasn't enough foreshadowing? Ha! Must work harder next time.

Only near the end, it was a great build up.

Was expecting something else to happen in the van. It was a good plot twist, though my vivid imagination showed me way to much detail.

Then I remembered the advice and relaxed.

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It's sound advice though! Something to never forget, and I think I found a neat little way to help people remember.

That was above an M. Night Shyamalan twist in the end. Wild ride that was. 😂

That sounded exactly like something she said.

HAHAHAHHA.

What a plot twist. Bloody lucky I wasn't drinking coffee and gulping.

Yes! He is back!

Yeah that always sucks when the reverse snort suddenly occurs and one liquifies the keys directly from the nostrils. You can't even plan for that shit. No amount of training, counselling, drugs, tech, voodoo; none of that stands a chance of stopping this flow.

Raped by lesbians = Comedy

Wait were you on the Bang Bus?

If that was the Bang Bus, I feel like I've been grossly misled by the uh... media.

I blame the media for everything, it's really just easier that way.
Lost yer job? Media's fault.
Broke a toy? Media's fault.
Raped by Lesbians? Media's fault.

Is your first name really Damien? Do you really live in Saskatchewan?

My first name is really Vincent and my middle name is really Marie.
And I really live en Colombie Brittanique, and sometimes en France and en Hongrie.

Some mysteries are meant to be just that, and nothing else. I'll pull elements from real life and combine it with complete bullshit, for entertainment purposes. Spent a lot time in Saskatchewan. That I'll admit, since there's not many people around who can relate or speak with this ridiculous accent.

My accent is not ridiculous, œuf corse.

Accents are great though, even when on the ridiculous level. I've noticed many new ones developing over the years, as our cities grow. Lived in Edmonton awhile, went back to Saskatchewan sounding like a new man. Strange how folks pick these things up without really noticing hey!

To everybody that says that they don't have an accent, I always say that everybody has an accent
When they say that they don't have an accent, they mean that they have the "right" accent.

"Don't tense up. Stop being a pussy about it and learn to relax."

I bet you must hear those words way too often up there at around -0°C most of the time.

It's our most popular meme.

Which? ...this one?

I'll never look at a pair of socks the same way again.

Pragmatic practicalities. That's all!! :)

I was gonna ask was she at least hot and then you punked me..

Good to see the one and only return.

I'd still give her at least an 8 out of 10 though. The other two, not so much. Combined they barely hit 3 but one's 3 is another's 10. Therefore, everyone, to someone, is something. Yup.

You had me hooked on that story right up to the end and now I can't tell what's real and what's fiction. What is reality... what... is..

Sketchy restaurant soup of the day. One truly never knows what's in there, but it tastes great!

Nah you weren't missed at all, can you tell?

It's quite apparent on my end. Probably something I said, again. Oh well. At least we still have sarcasm.

I didn't laugh at all at that. Was it supposed to be funny?

No. Was supposed to be something like an essay about particle physics but the delivery wasn't accelerated fast enough again.

(If you laugh at that, there's something wrong with both of us.)

Completely straight faced, not a hint of laughter, so we're ok. The (little parenthesis) though, fuck! But they're in parentheses anyway so we're still ok.

I just checked, DamienTheCandian is still available.

What the hell is a Candian?

Oh, who can take tomorrow
Dip it in a dream
Separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream
The Candian
Oh, The Candian can
The Candian can
Cause he mixes it with love
And makes the world taste good

Is that the song you were talking about?

Again, really? Alright but this is the last time.

And it's nice that you're finally here

Good to see so many familiar faces still around these parts.

Van life.... I would love that too. Some vans can really look like real classy places to be in. And there is a lot of freedom which comes with it

That's a life I've set a goal to achieve. Even if it's not full time. I often like to escape this world, at least once every year, for a few months.

That's very good and wise in the same time

Just dropped in here after a bit, and what do you know - noname is back. Some things can be relied upon I suppose, like birds migrating, a low tide following a high, lesbians owning a dildo, and noname returning.

Back, kinda sorta but not really. Wanted to get back into the swing of things here. Not sure why I can't.

Yep, same thing over here. Totally want to write, but can't stay in this groove. Too many other things. I think setting a goal of writing once in a while, or in spurts, is good enough.