Life was going to get much harder as I stuck through this torture. My life was falling apart. My soul and myself was beginning to come apart. All I would constantly feel for myself was blame and hate. I was unhappy all the time and felt suicidal. I started cutting myself. I didn't feel deserving of anything and anyone. I felt alone and hopeless. There was nothing left for me in this world as I continuously kept up with the pain of this unhealthy relationship I thought was love.
I thought, "If this is really what love was, then I don't want any of it. Love is pain" was all I ever had with him. As I reflected and contemplated about my unhealthy relationship, I wondered how other relationships can be so loving and calm and really affectionate. I look at others and envied. I eventually wanted what they had and wonder why things didn't happen to me the same way.
As soon as I when I wanted to give up and accept that all that was happening to me was deserving of me and all that I have, maybe it was my luck, maybe this was it for me, a 'good' type of love was never for me - a miracle that was always with me happened. My then friend, now husband, came to the rescue.
I know it sounds cliche and sounds like a novel you would read where the hero comes to rescue the poor girl. But this was exactly like how it happened. A story that you would read about or hear of; a fairytale. But this was my fairytale.
You may wonder where did my then friend, now husband, was. Well, that's its own segment. You see, we've met in the early years of high school but things never really sparked. Not either of us knew of what our future was going to be like. I didn't know my hero was with all along as I stuck through the torture of my unhealthy relationship. My husband had not a clue at the time what I was going through till we broke the ice together.
Soon, I started chatting with my friend (now husband) through text and instant messaging. This became a BIG problem. However, this saved me. Right when I thought my world ended, I realized, it was just the beginning to something so much better. I was young. I have a whole life to look forward to.
Although I was in contact with my friend and new feelings sparked, things on the other end didn't look too pretty. Of course, I knew he would find out. Of course, I knew that I was putting my friend in danger because he knew that I was talking with another person. In this 'on and off relationship' I was exhausted and took the green light to stop all the abuse that was happening in the relationship. And when I took the opportunity to shut off (break up) what happened between us, I knew what to expect from him. It was the usual "I couldn't go home" "Take my word back" etc from him.
I was then hit, smack, slapped...all the above but I stuck with my decision to never look back. He was not having any of it. Then he took it out on my friend, knowing it would get me mad, in which it did. I never intended for this happen to my friend or wanted him to be in danger because of me so I protected him as much as I could until my friend protected me for me.