If DMV required a progress report of all the times my car boldly told me, Keep Eyes on Road, they'd revoke my driving privileges for sure.

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STAY ALERT!

In all caps with an exclamation point! The entire dash lights up red when I'm asleep. Only time it does that.

Pre-Collision Brake Assist, it says, with an image of two vehicles colliding every time it brakes to avoid hitting things. Says that in the same white font it says how fast we're going. The rest of the alerts are yellow.

Except for Lane Departure—tells you when you're drifting off the road. Petty sure that one's white, too, and the rest are all yellow.

The dash flashes like an Amber Alert when it wants me to grab the steering wheel, Place Hands on Steering Wheel! it exclaims! Again!

Overkill if you ask me. If the thing was incapable of parking, driving, and steering itself, I'd consider being more proactive behind the wheel but those options were included in the sticker price.

No better time than rush hour to siesta.

Besides, it should focus less on personal accolades and more on important things like engaging the seat heater when it says Road May be Icy. Shouldn't have to think about it like wax and popsicle sticks. Icy road / Hot seats but noO0oo.. makes me push the button myself. Or, shut itself off when I forget to and haven't returned for a couple hours.

Senseless to idle all by itself in the parking lot for two hours when everyone's all trigger happy to write a negative review about a carbon footprint.

Instead, it repeats over and over all the shit it already did like a narcissist. Announce what it did after the fact as though I'm unaware we just came to a complete stop without the pressure of my foot.

Door Ajar. It's always ajar. Not once has it said door not ajar when it's not ajar.

I drive a narcissist is what I'm trying to say.

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And prissy. With a horrible attitude!

Always wants the whole lane to itself. Selfish. And won't share a parking spot. Spotless.

I drive a prissy black narcissist is what I'm trying to say.

Will not, I mean WILL NOT acknowledge anything white on the road. Car, truck, SUV, TL;DR if it's white, PERIOD. Gray, charcoal, silver, anything light black is perfectly fine.

It'll tolerate a brown car; mocha, chocolate, champagne, sand, et cetera.

Never pays much attention to red, not sure what that's about, we don't get into it. Or blue. My car gives zero shits about both red and blue and says orange is convenient whilst teetering cliffside buried in snow and search and rescue's looking for orange snow, unlike yellow.

Every time it sees a neon green or baby shit green car it deviantly whispers "one at this price" and then peels out like a big black dick.

_{(Because it's a wagon. They're notoriously bigger than an average car)}

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Electric. Hybrid. Diesel.

Bothered by none of the above. Couldn't care less actually. A tiny little compact car, however, like a Fiat with a dump truck on the ass end is deceiving.

Tesla in front and school bus in back is so hot said no one ever.

The other day a Mary Kay Cadillac with a set of headlights bigger than the windshield parked next to me. So big the high-beams won't turn off. They're probably turned on now. I was sandwiched between those and a flatbed with ink'd up doors.

They're getting pretty extreme with it—ink. Saw a van yesterday with YCNEGREME across the grill.

And then a Cherokee and an Aztec rolled up on me with big holes in their hoods. That's another one—hole. They're punching holes all over the place.

Even hood's.

Last time I got gas, there was a group of cars blocking the exit, stupid fuckin group. I hate stupid fuckin groups! They were all missing one tire. Apparently each of them cut off a tire and now they're rollin on three instead of four and think the whole world should know.

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Alright, so, I'm leaving the gym the other day. This is like a week ago. I go outside and every car in the parking lot has my car surrounded. Cars, trucks, moving vans, even motorcycles, they're holding up traffic waiting to turn into the parking lot to attack my car.

Even the three-wheelers were there and other black ones, too. Slow cars and cars stuck in reverse; brown, white, purple, all the colors. Only time I've seen them unite like that.

They got my car boxed in—can't get out. And they all got their doors open; pointing and honking and shit, taking pictures of my Big Black Car and posting it on Hive for cryptocurrency.

Made it!

After weaving my way in and out and around all the open doors and headlights, narrowly sliding between disproportionate bumpers, hopping from hood to hood careful to avoid their wipers until finally reaching my car where I could barely open the door enough to get inside like What The Actual :ʙᴇᴇᴘ: just happened?!

Well..

My car cut its dick off.

Weird, right?! I didn't even know it had one. Two years we've been together and I never cared to consider my cars position when it leaks.

Sorry about that. I'm trying real hard to care right now and I just can't. No hard feelings.

He or whatever brushed it off and it hasn't come up again since but you know what's even weirder than that?

I didn't steer or brake or push the gas or anything to escape—catching Z's before we hit the freeway. Car behind me had headlights so big, I couldn't see anything anyway. Snooze control at 90 past a group of cars with holes all in their windshields and grills and no one said shit but cut off one dick and the whole lot's got their door ajar.

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