🔥As The Smoke Clears😶

in #pimp2 years ago

I'm still trying to shake the fog from my thoughts and keep hoping this is some extended nightmare or that I'm starring in some movie where I can go home and everything will be 'the way it was'. But, it won't. It'll never be the same again. If you are unaware of that which I speak, my house burned down recently with my dog inside. My Wenzday. 13 years I put into her. She was the best dog I've ever been friends with. We also lost and buried our Guinea Pigs - Cutie and Pinky. Add that to a house, clothes, food, toys and countless priceless things, and yes - you can say I took a hit this year.

But I'm getting back up. I have to. Regardless how off I feel each day. There are three little princesses counting on me to be that strong immovable object. The fate decided instead, that I become an unstoppable force. At least, that is something they can hang on to safely while they ride this fucked up roller coaster of life with an easy heart.

Like a puppet
going through the motions
pulling my own strings

Watching as a spirit
guiding my body
to do all the necessary things

There are no birds here
it's dark
even the oxygen stings

But an eye is open
focused on the horizon
to see what fate brings.

FYI, this is not a #thoughtfuldailypost like I would normally want to bring you. I've taken some pictures. I'll share them with you and some, a few of you may have already seen. If you really want to see them. I am posting them as a memoir and walk-through to help with my inventory sheets. That is the most depressing part of this whole thing. Trying to remember everything that was in there for the insurance company. It would be a lot easier if since - there are so many things that are irreplaceable - to just have a goddamn soul and build me a new mother fucking house. But no, they prefer to drag your memories through a pit of despair and rub it in your face that some bullshit happened. Enter the debris:

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Those two were sent to me about an hour after I had gotten the call from the sheriff explaining that my house was on fire and they were putting it out at around 10:30 pm. Everyone was asleep except Luna and I, and we were playing cards. She heard the conversation and pieced together what had happened and gave me big tearful hug.

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I was sent this the morning I packed up from Bonnaroo and left back on the two hour drive to Cookeville. At least those two made it. The same person that took that, helped the fire chief to bury Wenzday the night before. The fucked up thing was, this was the first actual vacation beyond a single night, that we had taken the kids on and were looking forward to seeing their reactions to music they recognized - live. I have pictures of some of the festivities, but fuck, they don't fit very well in this post.

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Let's start by going upstairs. The crunch and squish beneath the feet is a haunting sound and has a Langolier effect on my sleep.

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You'll notice more pictures with Luna in this series, like this one in the living room, as she went with me to take most of these. She wanted to see what she could try and salvage, if anything. A few 'stuffties' were brought home, but after washing them in multiple different suggested chemicals and natural agents, they still smell like firesmoke.

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Many a memory from this kitchen and dining room. I believe some of you may have seen dozens that were posted on chain ranging from birthday parties to cooking shit and even maybe a few dances somewhere along the line. Easter baskets and stockings, the 'Art Line' above the dining table. Last year, we made blackberry and blue raspberry jam just right over there on that stove.

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A closet full of fun times there. If you notice the top, you can see through the roof. Now, it's rained several times since I took these over a week ago, so I'm betting on them being more soggy next time I go out there. Which, by the way, is at least every other day to keep the other 8-lived cats fed and watered.

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This was one of the least cram-packed-with-shit rooms. It is where the guinea pigs took their final breaths. It also served as a makeshift office for Angie and part-time play room for the girls when they were wanting solo craft time.

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This was @lunamoon, @khaldeesi and @freyamber's bedroom. Countless movies watched, stories read and naps taken here. I remember climbing up in Luna's top bunk a few times and almost taking myself out on the ceiling fan.

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This was their bathroom where they brushed their teeth and hair each night. It was often a wrestling match to get them to do so, but they did. It is also where they began their cosmetic experiments.

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Down the stairs, Angie had a shrine to all the children in our family. Baby pictures of our little ones plus recent ones of our others. The only two that didn't come off of the wall was the center piece of Angie and I before we got married on the beach in Destin and the one of our niece that supposedly overdosed a while back. Some of you may remember that one. Wasn't a good time.

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This particular room has served many purposes so we'll just label it as a den. From artwork to music performances to dance rehearsals to our own little fight club - it was in here. The fireplace during the winter months served a warm reminder of the love of family that was shared in this room.

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This was my brand new bathroom. I was slowly refurbishing the house and making it my own. I had new 24x12 marble tile put in on the floor to match the new countertop of the vanity, baseboard, sink, toilet and plumbing to boot. Seems like a waste of fucking money now.

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This is the utility room - or - one of them anyway. I had another in back I used more for storage than anything. I think what will be missed most from here, is the costumes that hung on that rack in the hopes they would be used again. And, they were. Dress up parties and the land of imagination were commonplace in this house.

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My mancave. My nap room. My office. On the wall hung a picture that contained @thealliance star and a picture that @snook drew a few years back. It was a picture of a mug that really 'cracked' me up and I loved it. Collections of coins, stamps, comic books and most valuable - the cards. You can see a few commons dropping out of some boxes on the remnants of the shelf. Priceless items on the other side of the closet were some trophies my sons had won and close to a thousand pictures that were taken before the digital era. Another thing that meant a lot was the picture below.

You should be able to make out 2 cats. This was my family shelf on my desk that reminded me why I do the things I do. Those cats were handed down to me by my grandmother and I didn't get much from her, but I always loved her and her cats. If you look close, you can see a recent gift given to me by @saffisara - a silver naked mermaid ring below the chin of the rear cat. On the cats' necks hung multiple bracelets from her and other people like @bellelynn. Also adorning the crystal kitties neck was some pendants I got from @brisby when I last went to New York. There was also a baby Yoda, A Death Star, a box of painted rocks from Luna for my 42nd birthday, pictures and paintings from Freya and Leesi and just a bunch of personal treasures.

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That last set is from the back storage/utility room. I kept my hunting gear and several tools in there. Pretty hard to stalk a deer when you smell like firesmoke - even if you're downwind. I was also lazy and didn't bring the Christmas decorations back out to the garage this year and what the fuck do ya know? Now they're worthless. The bins on the floor to the right in there are the girls' schoolwork I'd been keeping along with artwork that was rotated out for newer pieces throughout the house.

The Help

Will always be appreciated. I've gotten Amazon cards, Walmart cards, PayPal drops and a bunch of HIVE and HBD. I don't even know half of the people sending me things but I definitely appreciate it all and feel the love this chain has. Care packages from select parties have been received and welcomed warmly. A few accounts like @assistance and @ewfund have been doing some drives on top of other peoples' personal quests so do check in over there if you choose to help us out. There is no telling what we will really need when the time comes to rebuild.

With that in mind, all the HBD is being put into savings to set aside for when things are more predictable. As for immediate needs, what all of you lovely people have and continue to give, has gone mostly to clothing and food. It was absolutely disgusting cleaning out the brand new fridge and chest freezer. My son and I both almost threw our guts all over the rubble on what was the kitchen floor a few times.

Thank you, all of you. Every little vote and increment of HIVE or USD or whatever it is you may have sent will be used wisely and we are very grateful for it. But do forgive me in my silence if you feel I have been quiet or not as talkative. Having to adjust to city life is a major pain in the ass. I can't just let the dogs outside, I have to keep them on a leash and walk them which has added (or subtracted?) a good 3 hours out of my days. The girls can't just run outside and jump on the trampoline or swing set or hop in the pool. We all feel somewhat caged.

Lately, it is hard to focus on things and this post took a week to compose. I do read though. And watch. And listen. And feel. Bringing my fingers to type, that's a different action and requires more energy than I have in reserves more often than not. I'm getting back up however, and will be running with you all again soon enough. In the meantime, I will remind you, REMEMBER TO BE YOU! I always am, even as the smoke clears.

Official Witness Representing:

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that other shit

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Seing all the pictures and reading your words made me all teary 😔
You been through so much and then you lost your home in the fire.
I wish I could use magic and undo it all. Memories and precious pictures and things from the Girls, I understand it must be Hard going through it all and knowing what it used to be like.
Gifts from friends and family tho, that Will never stop coming your way. We all love you so much and wish there were more we could do ♥️

Never need to apolagize, you need time to adjust and to let it all sink in. I know you and yours Will be fine and your home Will be rebuilt, but until then know...

You are NOT ALONE 💕💕
We always here for you.

Thanks hun, real rough time for us over here and glad you understand my time is being rescheduled to accommodate city life for dogs and just all kinds of shit I never had to worry about before.

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Brother while I don’t have any idea what that experience is like and hopefully never have to. I give you tons of credit for how you are handling it. I don’t know if I would be. Seeing all that makes me majorly upset. I wish you were closer and I could physically help you rebuild a new home. You and the girls are in my thoughts brother. Monetary things help, if there is anything I can help with you give me a shout man. You got my number. Knowing you is a pleasure brother. You rock👊🏻

Your skills may come in quite handy in the near future if you aren't too busy. Maybe even some design work? IDK, but I appreciate ya man.

Anytime bro.

Looking at all the pictures, it's just heartbreaking. 😢
I would be so distraught and wouldn't know where to start over.
Except to roll up my sleeves and start again and be thankful my family is okay.

Don't worry. I will paint you something to replace it.

HUGS!!! to you and your family!!

Love you, little Brother!

Love ya back sis!

Sometimes life changes in a minute and things happen that we didn't even think about in our preparedness thoughts. I'm glad to hear your family is going to be ok and sorry to hear about your dear pets.

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Biggest thing right there is the fam.

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Sending you so much love. 💖

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Adapting to situations you didn’t ask for is damn hard and I totally understand but you and the fam bam can do that ! The princesses will follow your example and good times are ahead , good luck with all

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La verdad te entiendo, la vida a veces nos pone en estas situaciones que nos hacen perder todo, pero como en la pelicula una historia increible, lo mas importante es no perder la esperanza hasta en el mas cruelnde los escenarios, te deseo una pronta recuperacion y que Dios te de la fuerza que necesitas para avanzar y encontrar en este desastre un proposito de vida superior alnque tenías.

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This is terrible. I'm so sorry :/

Thanks man, talk about a curveball.

This is very sad and a difficult time for you and your family. I am sorry for your loss but happy to read that you and the family are well.

Indeed thank you.

This sounds like a very difficult period. Talking about Easter, art and the jam drove it home for me. Just this week we canned blueberry jam. Your family is safe which is the true upside to this whole thing.

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Bad, Bad, BAD!
So Sorry!
😖😩😖
Prayers are with You and Yours!
🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

Thanks my dude.

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I am just Glad You and Yours Family are Safe!
🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

it's too much to see. I love you brother.

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Love ya back homes.
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been through a lot I hope you get through it and live your life as surviving

Had enough surviving - time to start living 😉

Man, this brought tears to my eyes and had me thinking about my own family and our beloved pets and belongings, memories and irreplaceable things that my kids have made and such. But then I realise that, as long as we are OK and safe, we can do anything as a team!
We all wish you a speedy rebuild and to get back out into that country air, because, that's where you all belong.
Sending happy vibes and strength...DC - Tunz HQ.

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This is a real nightmare. So many things are irreplaceable. For the insurance company the value of item X is zero, but for you it's like a bar of gold. I know the next things is barely a solace but none of the children were harmed. You will all the energy now to gets things right, so I don't expect an answer to this post. I understand you have other priorities now.
Keep strong man!

For the insurance company the value of item X is zero, but for you it's like a bar of gold.

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There really isn't anything I could say that would help for such a great loss :(

"Condolences for your loss"... not really. It seems such a small statement in the face of such grief...

I can only send virtual support and strength for you at this time. Strength to keep going...

It will pass... as all things do... but with time only and I can't make that happen faster for you either. I wish I could.

I also send patience... for your own process and the grief you are in, the stages of it you will move backward, forwards and (ultimately) through... to find some kind of acceptance with this enormous loss.

And courage... for you to allow all of the feelings to come and go and be with them until they are settled.

Thank you for sharing. It's brave. It's human. It's why I'm here. People like you.

If you feel you are struggling then it's worth having a look at the 5 stages of grief. It's the most complicated of all human processes... grief. And it isn't linear. It circles back... moves forward.. circles back again. It's best to allow it. To share it (as you're doing)... to be in it fully... so that one can grief and come to some kind of peace...

It can be a very grounding process as well. And quite isolating so please... share and reach out.

Much warmth

You're in my thoughts.

Hope you're okay.

I'm trying to get my guy. Doing everything I can with what I can.

Ohh my dear, this is a shocking news. To look at the brighter side of it I can only say Thank God you and family were all away and you are all safe.
It is very painful to see the house in such a state. Years of memories and enotions stored in it. Be strong, the girls need you the most. Take care of yourself my dear. I wish you loads of power to build it up back again.
Love and Hugsss and lots of Healing Energies your way ❤