All or nothing and and finding the balance in between

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One of the many things I love about creative expression is the opportunity for reflection. It's as if we hand the pen over to our subconscious and provide a space for it to step out into the light, stretch its legs and speak to us in spectacular fashion as we become one in the dance of creativity. We open up a safe and playful avenue for all of the things we keep buried, things we need to take a look at, things we need to be aware of, things that will inevitably reflect back on us until we either acknowledge them or they explode in our face.

This particular journey was a hard look at my "all or nothing" tendencies... As I've always been an "all or nothing" kind of person... And even after witnessing the inevitable failures in the ups and downs of extremism throughout my life, my lack of true awareness meant it seeped its way into my art.

As you can imagine, creative passion led me to the "all" end of the spectrum

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Once I had an idea in my head, I'd throw every ounce of myself and everything I had to give in that moment into one piece of work, finishing a 30 hour piece over the space of three, four, maybe even two, days. Meaning I'd sometimes spend up to 15 hours staring at a wall.

The patterns my meditation and the patience my training, my task. My way of looking resistance in the eye and not even battling it, just moving through it with this out of body strength fuelled by the passion for my work. Fuelled by the complete and utter bliss of the present moment. Watching each line as it's drawn in front of me, the present moment gifting total precision as if this was the only line on the planet, the only line I would ever draw, the only line ever to be drawn. And before I knew it, I'd take a step back and each of these individual moments would have accumulated into something beautifully elaborate and complex.

Side note: isn't that what life is anyway? A series of present moments that accumulate into something beautifully elaborate and complex

I simply felt grateful. So, so grateful in being able to experience something so incredibly humbling. In having found something that would inspire and awaken the love in me needed to create a platform for this level of focus. In having experienced a process that showed me the truth in what I was doing. The truth being that I wasn't really doing this at all... More so, something was doing this through me.

But, as is with anything in life, there is always a need for balance

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And this is where my "all or nothing" tendencies sneak in and move this from something productive and fulfilling into something that coaxes me away from myself and the authentic place this expression longs to stream from.

Once I tapped into this level of focus, I made this ridiculous time frame and level of hard work my standard. The idea of doing something gradually over time didn't seem to cross my mind and, at the time, it really fit in with my "extreme" lifestyle. Looking back on it now, the choice to be extreme in one area spread like a virus and caused all different aspects of my life to topple over one after the other like a stack of dominos. Extreme travelling, which meant extreme working, which meant extreme creating, which meant extreme lack of sleep, which meant extreme eating habits... And so on.

If it isn't obvious already, this elephant mural was a product of my extremism. At the time, I was really into pushing the boundaries of my comfort zones and set a challenge for myself to finish an entire mural in one sitting. But it was when I made it to the end that the cracks finally began to show. Feeling totally exhausted and uninspired, the last few hours felt painful and, even though I wasn't expecting the challenge to be easy, it made me question why I was tainting the joy I'd found in my creative process with all of this pressure.

My all-or-nothing habits continued and, slowly but surely, the lack of balance began to cut off the connection to the place this creative joy was coming from. But as the connection decreased, my creative process continued giving me more and more glimpses into awareness around the thing that was hindering my connection, this thing that had unknowingly been hindering me my whole life.

Fast forward a few months, I'm now living in Costa Rica, looking up at this huge MDF wall I'd had made to do murals with a feeling of emptiness. Before, this big blank space would evoke so much excitement and anticipation but now, all I could think of was how many lines and hours I had ahead of me before I could finish. My perception of the empty space I had before me went from POTENTIAL in what was to come to LACK in what wasn't there. It was as if the source of my creative joy had ran dry and each line became a burden as I allowed resistance to take over. Very quickly, I went from all to nothing and abandoned the bear I was drawing altogether.

A dear friend had been observing my all or nothing tendencies and pointed out the value in doing something little by little. You might already know him on here, but @thearcanebear has spent the past few years living on the side of a mountain, focusing on finding joy in the slower aspects of life. After I'd been living so fast paced, his approach to life was so antithetical to how I was used to functioning; things like doing push ups in spare moments throughout the day instead of doing (and dreading) a full-blown morning work out. He introduced me to things like the garden, pointing out the value in a process as slow as watching plants grow. I observed how the instant gratification I was used to was being replaced with gradual, long-lasting satisfaction.
(He also introduced me to Steemit, so I have him to thank for that too!)

One day Tijo told me to go back to that bear and try adding to it little by little every day. An hour here and there, maybe even 30 minutes. Whatever I had to give. The first day I managed 20 minutes. The second day I never showed up. The third day I managed another 30 minutes... The sixth day I enjoyed 2 hours. Gradually, my trips to the bear mural became one of the highlights of my day. My awareness around the habits that had been tripping me up gradually grew and, even though I'd barely get anything done, I'd enjoy the complete and utter bliss in the lack of pressure surrounding what I was doing.

This gradual approach even gave more room and time for me to express creatively through the timelapse! Different journeys meant I wouldn't keep the camera in the same place, so I started filming it from different angles, reviewing the clips and spending time putting them together with the music.

In the space of 3 months, I went from begrudgingly drawing my first line to being so absorbed in what I was doing, I barely even realised the piece was coming to an end. After drawing the final line, I stepped back and looked on the fuzzy friend I'd spent so long visiting and creating with a feeling of deep satisfaction.

My dance with artistic expression not only surfaced the issue, but took me on a journey of highs and lows until I revelled in the experience and fulfillment of in between. The changes I experienced through my art led me to make huge changes in my life and, as I found balance in my actions, I started to feel more balance within. I haven't slowed down completely and I'd be lying if I said this old habit didn't rear its head again at times, but I continue to be aware and adjust.

So as it happens, the keys to unlocking creativity also fit the locks to my self-imposed chains. The more I take part in this dance, the more I understand that this connection to creativity is not only a reflection of my connection to myself, but a reflection of my connection to life. As I journey down the rabbit hole, the further I move away from what I thought was reality... And the Wonderland I've felt glimpses of is oh, so sweet.

Happy Monday and happy healing, friends!
Stoked to be on this journey with you.

With love,
Faye

http://www.steemit.com/@fayehalliday

http://www.fayehalliday.com