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/r/btc was eventually where I got a lot of my information, but it took a while. Google seems much more fond of showing results from /r/bitcoin than /r/btc... Hmm...

Jokes need to have at least some truth to them in order to be funny. Hopefully you'll soon see through the lies told by the ignoramuses on /r/btc. Segwit transactions are NOT spendable by anyone, that is just how nodes that haven't been upgraded SEE them because they haven't be updated to the new code!