The other night when I was quite upset I found myself dwelling on some nasty comments a couple of people had made about me - 25 years ago!! Yes, I admit it, I am one of those people who hold a grudge. I find the well worn advice to" let it go" really hard to action.
There is also a large group of women who I have known for over a decade. Over that time I have felt slighted by, on my count, five of them. I recall exactly what their "crimes" were and how they made me feel. However, they probably haven't given it a second thought, if indeed they are even aware they have hurt my feelings. Of course, I've never raised it with any of them.
Now, I know holding onto grudges is not necessarily good for me. Some say holding a grudge is toxic to your health and wellbeing. Although Confucius said, "To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it"; whilst Carrie Fisher said, "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die". Where does my propensity to hold a grudge come from?
A grudge is a sense of anger at being "wronged" or "wounded". An injury to our sense of entitlement - how we believe others, or the world, should treat us. It has been said grudge holders are holding onto their sense of identity as the victim. I've heard people say, "they're playing the victim card". Although, I'm sure it's very easy for people who haven't been victims and/or suffered trauma in their lives to say so. Yet is there some truth to it?
If someone has been wronged there are three ways they can go - or three choices if you like.
- Get revenge - popular in films, not so much in real life.
- Hold a grudge.
- Forgive and move on.
This article, talks about a study from Tel Aviv which found that people were more likely to hold grudges for a long time if they had a low sense of what they termed BJW (Belief in a Just World). Conversely, people with a high BJW found it easier to forgive.
Forgiveness is generally seen as the preferred option. In this article a study from the Stanford Forgiveness Project found that carrying anger into old age is associated with higher levels of inflammation and chronic illness. Forgiveness is the best approach if we have been wronged by a loved one, or someone with whom we have a vested relationship. Additionally, receiving an apology can go a very long way to forgiving. This is particularly true when the "other" is in a position of power or authority over you.
There are times when forgiveness is not possible. I have traced back my own grudge to a sad event of my childhood. My mother was murdered. Quite brutally in fact. The perpetrators were never punished. This has left me as an individual with a low BJW. For me, as a child, revenge was impossible, and forgiveness unthinkable. Instead, I was left with anger. It is this underlying anger which lies at the heart of a grudge.
I didn't realise I had been victimising myself because I had always considered my mum to be the victim. I also thought by holding onto this grudge I was keeping her memory alive. What I was doing instead was re-traumatising myself every time I played my thoughts over, keeping my grudge alive. Worse, I have come to understand that by keeping this wound open I have actually held back the process of grieving.
Now, I believe I am getting near to the heart of my grudge. Some of you may be thinking that I am being rather hard on myself. I would agree. I wonder if the real grudge I hold is against myself. I have been told by others that my mum's death was not my fault yet still I feel that childish sense of responsibility. Even if blame is misplaced, it's very hard to forgive others when we can't offer it to ourselves.
Is there a way to move past grudges? I don't know. Here are some thoughts -
- If possible do look for forgiveness - even if that means seeking an apology. (But don't put yourself in danger - not everything can be forgiven! See the quiz below) However, remember the forgiveness you may be needing could be by and for yourself.
- CBT and DBT can help us to challenge our thoughts. You can actually re-write the story.
- Accept yourself. Maybe like me you too have a low BJW - you can turn it outwards to connect with all the millions of people round the world facing injustice on a daily basis.
- Acknowledge you've been wounded, just realise you don't need to keep re-traumatising yourself. Practice Loving Kindness Meditation and give yourself the love and empathy you may have missed out on.
- If you're fortunate you may be in a position to seek out therapy.
Here's a quiz to determine the scale of your grudge
Terminology
CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy)
DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy)
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