What do you do? Such a huge question for every trying situation that life throws at you. Usually, this question goes unanswered and you navigate the situation to the best of your ability. Then you come to a brick wall bigger than you have ever seen. Can't get over it, can't go through it. So the question remains. What do you do?
Some time ago, early 2019, life through a curveball at me. To some it may seem like something small. But for me, family is everything. My husband, son, and I were on a job in Alabama. My brother, Nathan, and I, while we have had our ups and downs, would talk almost every day. Sometimes it was a fight, other times it was just talking about what was going on in our lives. Within a month of being in AL he just up and quit talking to me. Failed attempt after failed attempt. A conversation with my mother revealed that he was trying to turn his 2 daughters against me. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why. I had a hand in raising his 2 beautiful girls. I used to get them dressed for school, dropped them off, picked them up, cooked them dinner, gave them baths, etc. I was hurt beyond belief.
Skip ahead almost a year, things were drastically worse. He was with a new woman. Mainly living with her while leaving his daughters with my parents, one 14 and other other 12. Mind you my parents are in their 70's and doing everything, from taking them to school, to band practice, to football games. By this time we were on another job in Pennsylvania.
His then girlfriend was something I knew. She was one of the first friends I had when we moved to Tennessee in 1997. Fast forward to today, I have known her for 23 years, or so I thought. One day, out of nowhere, she disappeared. She was supposed to get my nieces from school, she was driving my brother's car. She never showed, didn't show to pick him up from work. Turns out she took off back to North Carolina where he ex lived. Stole his car, sold his gun and tools. Eventually she was caught and also caught a charge for possession of methamphetamine. I was shocked, highly angered, heartbroken. How could this woman leave my nieces at school? From there, they were done. Broken up. Nothing could ever rectify that situation. Or so I thought...
Within a couple weeks they were back together. From there things went downhill in a matter of months. Nathan was determined to get her into rehab, get her off the drugs, he loved her. He even reconsidered getting married again. Day by day, nothing changed. She didn't go to rehab, and things continued to get worse between us. Even between him and my parents.
November 2019, we surprised my parents and came home for the weekend a week or so before Thanksgiving. At the time my nieces were still living with my parents and Nathan was staying with his then girlfriend. When he found out I was home he was livid. He showed up here at my parents and totally flipped out. Screaming that they had betrayed him and that he didn't want me anywhere near his children. There's livid and then there's just complete mental breakdown. He was acting like someone completely psychotic. I was blown away. He was totally out of control. It was so bad I told my mom just to close the door and lock it. Let him leave.
Fast forward again to December, a week before Christmas. The job in PA was shutting down for the holidays. So after careful planning, we decided to come home for the 2 weeks. We let him know so he could decide if the girls would still be here or not while we were in town. Mind you, things had been extremely tense. Some words were exchanged between Nathan and my mom the night before we got in. He was so angered and out of control, he pinned my mom up against a shelving unit, spit in her face, threw a drink at her. All because she wanted to change the sleeping arrangement with my youngest niece. Needless to say I went off. He then continued to make death threats to my parents, me, my husband, even my 12 year old son. Who was this person? He was so out of control. He had lost at least 50 pounds in a matter of a few months. He's always had issues with ADHD but this was beyond that.
Skip ahead again to February of this year. Things had gotten so bad here at home. Him and his then girlfriend had broken up. He couldn't care for his girls properly so he gave them to their mother while he got back on his feet. My parents had allowed him back into the home, even after we changed the locks so he couldn't. He took things over, took their car all the time without permission, made threats daily. They were prisoners in their own home. Things kept escalating between him and I. It finally got so out of control that we made the decision to leave PA and come back home. We had to get him out of the home. It was fast becoming a potential life or death situation.
We came home, he left. He was living on the streets. If you knew me you would know that I am a caring person. I have a huge heart and it tends to get me in trouble. I can't turn my back on people no matter how much they have wronged me. Since then, he's come back a few times. Everytime things escalate and we make him leave again. We finally determined for sure that he had also been using meth. He says that he got on it to show his ex that you could drop it no problem. Well, if that was the truth, that plan backfired on him. It had control. It was ruining everything for him.
Just a few weeks ago, things came to a head. He left his meth pipe in my bathroom. The bathroom where my son goes, the bathroom where my pup likes to sleep on the cool floor. He left it there where ANYTHING could have happened. Needless to say my husband and I lost it. It was done, over with, he was out. He took off, we changed the locks once again because he had made a copy of the last key. More fighting, more death threats.
Last week. My dad brings him back here. Without talking to anyone. My son, now 13, had a complete emotional breakdown. He didn't want his Guncle (what he has called him since he could talk) here. He was scared of him. Things escalated again and I ended up calling for an officer to remove him from the home. But guess what? Even though I have lived here for 10 years, I didn't have a say, because someone in the home invited him back in. The couldn't/wouldn't do anything. Cops leave. Eventually my dad tells him he can't come in here, that it's not a good idea for anyone. So he still currently sleeps in his truck in the backyard. As soon as he receives his stimulus he plans to move to Texas where he has some friends that invited him. The blowups continue, the threats of self harm, etc.
So here we are. There's been a lot more that has happened, but that is the gist of it. Understandably, my husband doesn't want him in the home. Neither do I, not to live anyway. I had been taking him food and drink outside. Then my mom started letting him in to go to the bathroom. My husband didn't agree with that either, which I understand. Nathan can't be trusted. Everytime he is let back in, it blows up in our faces. But things were getting to a good place. Nathan has been sober, we were sitting outside talking here and there. I fed him, gave him drink. Against my better judgement I let him in a few times to go to the bathroom.
Well, yesterday it came to a head again. We were gone running errands and he asked my mom if he could come in and wash his clothes. She offered to do them for him and he realized what it meant and lost his shit once again. The biggest reason for keeping him out is not wanting him near my son. My son got so messed up over everything he was ready to go stay with his other Grandmother for a while. The thought of breaking up my family killed me, so I did what I had to do to stop that from happening. Not being able to come in made him flip out. Cursed us all, threatened his own life, and now he won't eat or drink anything from us and he doesn't have any money to get anything himself.
My mind knows he did this to himself. My mind knows that he has to learn that if you treat people like shit, you get shit. What fights me is my heart. My heart is broken for him. I want to make sure he's ok, that he's fed and hydrated. That he's warm and safe. But the alternative is my family splitting up. Even the possibility of my husband leaving with my son. Not as in him and I splitting up, but just him not wanting to be in the same home as Nathan. Which his feelings on that are completely validated. Obviously I refuse to have my family split up, but I can't leave my parents to be used and abused by him. Yes, we have discussed an order of protection, but I don't want to take things that far.
So we are back to the beginning. What do you do? How do you just turn your back on someone you love? I have searched and searched for the answer and I come up empty handed. My mind and my heart are in a constant battle with no winner in sight. All of this has broken me to my core...
