Winston - thank you for this.
I don't know what to trust about what he said. I find it quite selfish to be in a couple and disappear like that.
I also think that the fact that he told me he was HIV positive after 1 month of sex together was very selfish.
But I was and I am patient and understanding, because I have big emotions and feelings.
He told me that he contracted this disease from his girlfriend with whom he was together for 1 year, living in Indonesia.
In South East Asia HIV and other STD are highly common. And you can get it from your girlfriend that could get it from a guy who has slept with a random prostitute. In Thailand 1 every 3 sex workers has HIV and a lot of people go with prostitutes!
For me the main problem here is not that he has HIV. Now this disease is treated like diabetes and it is possible to keep the level of the virus so low that is not transmittable. Also life expectations are normal and they can even make kids. All normal.
Of course I am always using condoms and I have already checked myself, and I will check again in 2 months.
I was even open minded with drugs, even if I think meth is the worse crap you could take and I would never touch that stuff.
However, he doesn't seem violent at all, but he is highly moody/lunatic and when he becomes like that he targets a person (whoever comes to his mind) and blame that person of everything. Most of the time it is some friends, some time it is me. I am positive and can be complaining but I love myself and I don't want someone talking down on me. I can't take it.
Now I just feel too shit and abused/used by him using my flat, my comforts, my money and my psychological support and giving back to me just crumbs.
I love him but it is not enough.
Now he is still out somewhere high on his meth adventures, completely irresponsible, at 46 years old and I am angry at myself to allow this situation. I want to burn all his stuff away.
I can't even tell him to move out straight away, because he would feel threatened and I don't know what would be his reaction. I need to wait at least 2 days that he sober up from the stone and then tell him I need some space for myself and give him few days to find a place (and money) to stay and he will try to convince me of the opposite and I have to be a cold calculating bitch.
Once he is out and I have the keys back, I can disappear from his life and it will be hard, because I fucking love this person and I spent a lot of my time with him in the last 3 months.