This is the second stage of Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent communication methodology.
The method of nonviolent communication helps to communicate peacefully, is used in diplomacy and ordinary communication between people.
The first stage was the Observation – I shot about this video #74 https://steemit.com/dtube/@behelen/e5hpl5xp
The second stage – Feelings.
Feelings are emotional experiences and physical feelings associated with satisfying or not satisfying our needs.
At this stage, our goal is to understand what feelings we feel and give them a name.
Pay attention, it is important for us to understand our own feelings, and not to say the interpretation of another person's actions.
It is also important to understand your responsibility for your feelings, not to shift it to another.
For example, "I feel lonely" is a feeling, although there are no reasons given here that would promote better communication.
Another example: «I feel like my husband doesn't care about me».
This is a reaction to the actions of another person (husband). Such phrase is constructed incorrectly, from the point of view of nonviolent communication.
Woman who said that doesn't take responsibility for her feelings.
If she spoke correctly, she could say: "When my husband came into the room and did not say Hello to me, I felt irritation and resentment."
In this phrase it is already clear what caused the feeling of resentment. And also the phrase is constructed so that it is clear that the woman recognizes the feelings and doesn't try to accuse the husband even if he arrived impolitely and incorrectly.
Often people are afraid to speak openly about their feelings, fearing that others will take advantage of their trust and hurt them. Yes, this danger exists. But in a conflict situation, usually recognition of their feelings, voicing them helps to solve the conflict.
If you want to test yourself, let's do an exercise from Rosenberg's book! Say "Yes!" if the statement expresses feelings. Say "no!" if the statement has a shift of responsibility to another etc.
Exercise. Expression of feelings?
- I feel like you don't love me.
- If you have noted this point, I don’t agree with you. I don't think the phrase "you don't love me" is an expression of feeling. In my opinion, it expresses what the interlocutor thinks about the feelings of another person, not about his own. Whenever the words" I feel "are accompanied by the words "I"," you"," he"," she"," they"," this"," that"," as "or" as if " — what follows them, I don’t consider as an emotion at all. An example of expressing feelings might be "I'm sorry" or "I'm hurt".
- I'm sad because you're leaving.
- If you have noted this point, I agree with you: feelings are expressed here.
- I feel fear when you say that.
- If you have noted this point, I agree with you: feelings are expressed here.
- When you don't greet me, I feel ignored.
- If you have noted this point, I do not agree with you. The expression of feeling might sound like this: "When you don't greet me at the door, I feel lonely."
- I'm happy you can come.
- If you have noted this point, I agree with you: feelings are expressed here.
- You're disgusting.
- If you have noted this point, I do not agree with you. The expression of feeling might be: "I feel disgusted."
- I feel like you're hurting me.
- If you have noted this point, I do not agree with you. The expression of feeling might sound like this: "I am very angry with you."
- I feel like I've been misunderstood.
- If you have noted this point, I do not agree with you. The expression of feeling in this case might sound like "I'm upset" or "I'm discouraged."
- I feel good about what you've done for me.
- If you have noted this point, I agree with you: feelings are expressed here. However, the word "good" is too vague to convey emotion. Usually these same emotions can be expressed in other words, for example: "I feel relieved", "satisfaction" or "inspiration".
- I'm mediocre.
- If you have noted this point, I do not agree with you. An example of expressing a feeling might be: "I feel doubt in my talents" or " I feel unhappy."
See you in my next video about the NVC method! I will talk about the needs.
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Greetings, dear sweetheart Elena
As the premise of cognitive behavioral therapy says:
It is not the fact itself that brings us suffering or joy, but the way we interpret it.
In his example of the wife mentioned, it seems that she puts the feelings of sadness or joy of her in the absence or presence of the husband. This causes many things for her, as well as for her husband and marriage. For her, it will make her always dependent on someone to be happy and possibly never will be, because no one can be present in one's life all the time. For the husband, will bring much suffering, therefore, will have another burden that is not his to deal with. For the marriage, it will probably bring a lot of wear and tear because the husband will feel tired because he has to take care of several responsibilities and still have to take care of the emotional part of the wife. That one hour will totally wear the relationship.
I think a certain badness, because this removes the responsibility of the person and puts in the other. To see this in children is one thing, but as an adult, it is very damaging to stay with someone like that, because people who live together feel as if they were guilty of something they did not commit ...
Thank you for bringing this theme. I even think about making a video about my answer.
Good morning, beautiful Elena!
Yes, I agree with you!
The ability to take responsibility for yourself, your life, your thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions - is a sign of an adult.
A family should be built only when both partners are adults.
Thank you for your thoughts!
@behelen, an interesting video. Now I, I'll try to change the way I speak to other people.
I feel getting more educated when I watch your videos.
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Thank you, @cryptospa! It's nice to know!
You mention many changes that really irritate, but it is very difficult to keep the peace in the conversation but the important thing is to think about the other person and put in their place, is to show empathy and everything will be much better when talking.
Totally agree!
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