Evolving in the Midst of Conflict

Hello and welcome back!
As I am relatively new to this, I find that I am becoming more aware of how my fluctuating mental state affects what material I am inspired to write and how often I am able to post. Ideally I want to post on a daily basis but alas I am not there yet.
Over the last four days my mood has dropped quite significantly. It was my birthday last week and I consumed more alcohol than I would normally. I impose strict limits on the amount of the old funny water I partake in due to the fact that it always, always drains me of any inspiration and motivation the following day. A year or so ago I was drinking almost daily. Before that I was drinking nearly all day, every day. Having plenty of experience with excessive alcohol consumption, I can say with near certainty that one of the reasons such a drug is widely and cheaply available is to keep the population in a sort of semi-conscious stupor. Just fuzzy enough to keep you running on the nine to five wheel. More of that in a later post.

I know I have come far and I give myself full credit for my recovery, because at the time my efforts to improve myself coincided with a great tragedy that occurred in my life. As I have mentioned in previous posts, that 'tragedy' is still ongoing.
Following my birthday celebrations I fully expected to lose a day of anything resembling my usual productive self, however it has now been four days and this seems very uncharacteristic for me. Maybe it is the combination of the alcohol and the ongoing 'tragedy' that has taken its toll, but when all is said and done it makes little sense in putting what little innovation I have into pondering that question. I must take responsibility. I must be response-able. There is not one person upon the face of the earth that can bare this responsibility for me. It is my mind, my life and my experience of my life that I hold in my hands.
So on that note, here I am writing this post on the very subject of my temporarily perceived limitation: When the weight is too great to bare, how do we still manage to move forward?
When my personal horror happened, when it was fresh and raw and so painful, for the first time in my life I was wrestling with the idea of ending my life. Sometimes it was so tangible, an option so readily close, that it scared me. The end of my pain was potentially only minutes away. There was no planning needed, the option was there and it was a real option. All I had to do was take it... and my pain would end. At the time, selfishness didn't even enter my mind. That my children would lose their father. That my mother would lose her son. I understand now, how sometimes people just end their lives, leaving loved ones painfully trying to fathom why. For me, to answer the question of why I wanted to die, there would only be one answer: The pain was too much for too long.
But as you can guess, I didn't take that option.
Because I was basically holding hands with Mr Death it gave me a tiny sense of liberty. A kind of 'I've got nothing to lose' type of mentality. So I did some searching. Every bit of research I found echoed the same message. All the wise men both alive and dead sang the same song. Every man and woman that has experienced extreme levels of crisis, both physical and mental in their lives have learned through their own experience the same fundamental lesson. I have learned it too and as I write this now, I am re-enforcing that teaching to myself. Just as they did, I can tell you what the lesson is, but only you can teach it to yourself.

This is the key, so again I state: I can tell you what the lesson is, but only you can teach it to yourself. So here we go, this is your opportunity. This is your time:
Real spiritual growth occurs right in the midst of your most difficult conflicts.
There that is it. Simple right. Wrong! You cannot hope to practice only the physical exercise of yoga and expect significant inner change. You cannot expect to only meditate and transform yourself into a Buddha. You cannot visit your particular place of worship once a week and claim to have achieved a spiritually inspired awakening.
Inner change, the real revolution happens within, when you are experiencing what they call 'baptism under fire'. The boxer only really evolves when the opponent appears invincible. When the bell rings for the final round and there's no more fuel in the tank. When all his life's dreams are hanging by a thread does he find out who he really is. He either becomes a winner or a loser and it is not dependant upon whether or not he actually wins the fight. When your back is against the wall, when all options are seemingly gone, you are still always presented with two choices. To sink or to swim. To stand or to fall. To push just a little more, even when you're certain that you cannot. That is when the boxer becomes a warrior.

In the same way, your opportunity to evolve becomes clear if you first recognise that you are 'under fire' or in 'conflict'. When you cannot take anymore and the fire is building up inside. When the anger and frustration or impatience begins to flood your inner world. When the ongoing anxiety or depression grabs you tightly, suffocating you, crippling your ability to function or to be response-able. When the person you most dislike is all over you, scraping the inside of your skull with their venom. When you feel like you cannot go on... this is the big, red, flashing, neon sign you have been waiting for. This is your Bat-Signal appearing in the night sky, screaming 'here is your chance', right here and right now to evolve. Here is your choice, your opportunity to do things differently.
I am writing this right now in defiance of what I actually want to do. I am choosing a positive action. I am taking the lesson that I read about, the lesson I then chose to use when my world resembled hell... and I am actively evolving by pushing in the right direction even when I don't think I can.
I promise you, it is not the easy path but the reward is worth it. From this you will gain a sense of inner strength that isn't relying upon someone else's reassurance. It produces a feeling of steadfastness and of reliance upon yourself. You can walk through your life experience with strong legs that you know will carry you through anything. Why? Because you taught yourself. You showed yourself that you are enough, no matter what life will throw your way. You will have learned that the best person to rely upon is ultimately you. But I cannot teach you this. You must do this for yourself.
Practice noticing when you are being 'baptised under fire'. See that the opportunity to grow is here and it's now! Then take the bull by the horns and be brave. Be courageous, be response-able, be a warrior. See your chance to evolve and take it every time. Be that boxer who thinks that there is not enough in the tank to carry on. Go and find out who you will become, just as I am. Just as I did when my life was literally a living hell. Do it and be brave. Do it and evolve. This is your life and I believe you can do it.

I thank you greatly for reading this post. Let me know how things go in the comments. There is a video too, so please check it out. I will be back with another post very soon.

Always your Wing-Man,

Paul Jackson