The Angry Teapot (Flash Fiction)

“Come on, buddy. Wake up.”

“Wha-”

“Patience is not really my thing. So let’s move this along, shall we?”

“No... wait... what the hell are you talking about? Who are you? Where am I?”

“Questions, questions! You guys love questions, don’t you? Listen, buddy. We really need to get this over with. There are hundreds of you people coming in each second, and this gets really boring really fast if I have to serve tea and have The Talk with every single one of you. Still, would you like some tea? That I can do. I love tea. Would you like some?”

“Where’s my husband? What is this place? Please let me go, I need to get back home.”

“Oh, buddy, you are not going back. You see, huh, how do I put this... you’re dead. Whoosh, boom! Car crash, I think it was. So, tea?”

“What... no...”

“No tea? Your loss.”

“This can’t be real.”

“Oh, you are having trouble making sense of the situation. I get it. Well, I really don’t, but this death business really seems to trigger you people, doesn’t it?”

“Please, let me go. I have some cash in my wallet, you can have it, and my shoes. Please, just let me go...”

“Shoes? Really, buddy? Shoes? I don't even have feet! This body you see is just something I whipped out to make you feel a tiny bit more comfortable. Doesn’t seem to be working though. I’ll try a snake. Do you like snakes? I´ll be a snake.”

“Shit. Oh god. What are you? What the fuck do you want?!”

“Come on, buddy. Don’t cry. I thought you’d like the snake better. Easy now, calm down.”

“Don’t touch me!”

“Fine. Jeez. No touching then. I just want to help you transition into the next life. Would be easier if you weren’t all jumpy like that.”

“Is this hell?”

“There’s no hell you dumb dumb. There’s no heaven either, if that was your next question.”

“Please, just tell me what’s going on...”

“Well, you are being, let’s say, repurposed. Consciousness is a really precious thing, you know. It would be a waste for you humans to just disappear after biting the dust. That’s why it’s my job to make sure your consciousness lives on! Pretty neat, right?”

“Are you... God?”

“Well, actually... you know what? Never mind. Yeah, I’m God. Let’s go with that.”

“Okay. So you are real. I’m really sorry, I never thought you could be real, but I tried to be a good person, I swear. I even-”

“Calm down, cowboy. I know. You were one of the good ones, I guess. To be quite honest, I don’t really care.”

“Wait, what?”

“Do you really think I would tally every single tiny thing you did throughout your life? I mean, I could, but why would I? This morality fad you people care so much about seems quite pointless to me. At the end of the day, it all amounts to pretty much the same, which is not much at all.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah. Everyone gets repurposed. What you did or didn’t do during your human phase is of no consequence to me.”

“That’s... well. What was our purpose then? Why did you put us on Earth?”

“I didn’t put you anywhere, buddy. You just happened. Like mold in the shower. I did not intend you to be there, but now you are, so I may as well deal with you. About the purpose business, well, I don’t know. Don’t be a dick to others? That sounds like a mighty fine purpose to me. It wouldn’t change anything up here, but it would make things a hell of a lot easier for all you guys down there.”

“I- I don’t know what say...”

“Well then, buckle up and get ready for repurposing!”

“What does that even mean?”

“I was thinking of repurposing you into a teapot. Do you like teapots? Yeah, you’ll be a teapot.”

“Wait, what? Why a teapot?”

“Why not? Teapots are cool.”

“Can’t I go back as another human?”

“Sorry, buddy. Too many humans already. Only plants, animals, and objects.”

“Alright, I- I think I understand. But, can I at least be an animal, like a lion or something?”

“Well, you could. But if I let everyone choose what to become, the world would be filled with lions and such! Still, let’s meet halfway. You’ll be a teapot with a lion printed on the side. Does that work for you?”

“No!”

“Too late, already channeling the powers of the cosmos. Whoosh, whim, pew, pew!”

“Please, don’t...”

“Can’t stop now! Well, I could, but meh. Pew, pew, whoosh!”

“Oh, fuck you...”

And on that fateful night, a teapot fell upon the Earth from the skies above. It had a tacky lion printed on the side, but the little girl that found it thought it was cool. And so the teapot had found a new home, where it would faithfully serve its master for years to come, carrying hot beverages and looking tacky.

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I really hope you enjoyed this short piece. Don’t forget to follow me if you did! @jean.racines

In the mood for more stories? I've got you covered!

• The Sunflower Puppy

• The Pull

• The Blob

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Unedited image sources: Image 1, Image 2 .