Then I was upset because I knew it wasn’t my fault, but I still felt like it was. I couldn’t let it go. Feelings like this were probably what made the physical expression of violence such a God-damned commonality in our species. One ape beats the other so he can make it clear where the borders that the other trespassed upon had been. It’s mixing your violent labor with your words to define and make claim to your boundaries. That’s why Brahe lost his argument and his nose. Self-efficacy. It’s the same shit that keeps body-builders growing. Maybe there was a type of skin hunger for other people’s pain or maybe it was a hunger to mix our pain with theirs. Maybe I should have attacked the man or provoked him so that he could attack first and then I could go all out, unhinged; No conscious left to conjure up any empathy. Then I could really own my anger. I could drink it in and no one could tell me I was wrong to do what I desired.
I thought about the possibility that I could end up sitting next him on the bleeding chair. It was shameful to think I’d have to sit there with someone who had touched my chin like that. I could go wash my chin, but that wouldn’t help. No, I was worried he would try to talk again or touch me or try to follow me out or talk to one of the nurses about me. My thoughts were shaken and I was hot and cold and itchy to get somewhere with cleaner air till I had to leave before they could call me up to let me bleed in a chair. My heart was shaking. I didn’t need to do this today. That was all I told myself before I left.
“Yo, Frank!” Some asshole kicked sand on me. “We need to catch the train, brother!” It was Steve, my asshole. He grabbed my hand and helped me up but I felt like he was pulling me back into a family, my circle, the ones who touched me like a brother, the ones who thought I was headed in their direction and the ones who still regarded me as an equal.
“We got time to shower?” I asked stepping on the food I would leave as I reached for my orange juice.
“Maybe, if we double up.”
“Good, I smell like I shit.”
Other Posts:
The Best Fuck You Part 1Part 2Part 3Part 4
Invest in Rain Part1Part 2Part 3
Where does your father do his barnacles? Part 1 Part 2Part 3Part 4Part 5Part 6Part7 Part 8Part 9 Part10
Van-life series Part 1
Rushing into a relationship with my unconscious Part1 Part 2
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