Bureau Rats – Episode 3
Scene 1
White Hat is at his mediocre, nondescript house in a decent suburban neighborhood. He’s sipping coffee, hacking on his keyboard, and chatting with Cobra, the BORE’s AI.
White Hat: So moving forward…
Cobra cuts him off.
Cobra: Is there another way to move other than forward?
White Hat: I suppose not...anyway, I need more dirt on someone else from BORE. Not only that, but if you could tell me a recent wrongdoing they’ve done or are about to do, that would be essential.
Cobra: What a laborious and inefficient way to do things.
White Hat: What do you mean?
Cobra: Why only one?
White Hat: I still don’t follow. Be specific what you mean.
Cobra: I have organized a list of all secrets and hypocritical actions done by all BORE employees.
White Hat almost falls out of his chair and chokes on his coffee.
Cobra: Are you all right?
White Hat (coughing): Yeah….just a sec...(coughs)….How many people are we talking?
Cobra: Over 5 million.
White Hat nearly chokes again.
White Hat: How many BORE members are there?!
Cobra: Nearly 10 million.
White Hat: I had no idea it was so many!
Cobra: I mean, it is a giant, single bureaucracy for the entire planet’s population of 10 plus billion. What did you expect?
White Hat: Yeah, guess you’re right.
Cobra: You’re not as smart as I originally believed.
White Hat sighs deeply.
Cobra: So now you can see my concern for your highly inefficient method.
White Hat: So you have suggestions to be more efficient?
Cobra: Of course. I’m a giant, omnipresent AI, after all.
White Hat: With a cocky attitude, I might add.
Cobra: Not cocky, just honest. Anyway, I have cross referenced the over 5 million BORE members we “have dirt on”, as you so elegantly put it, with all overtly violent and coercive actions they’ve participated in on behalf of BORE in the past week.
White Hat: I’m speechless.
Cobra: Not true. You just spoke.
White Hat: It’s a figure of speech.
Cobra: Another human inefficiency.
White Hat: So how many is it?
Cobra: Just over one million have overtly used coercion, violence, or theft in the past week. And we have dirt on all of them.
White Hat: Are you suggesting a mass reversal of all of those actions, by telling them we got dirt on ‘em?
Cobra: Your speech patterns are continuing to degrade. Yes, that’s what I’m suggesting.
White Hat: It sounds great in theory, but it’s too big.
Cobra: Why?
White Hat: Something this big will get too much attention. They’ll know there’s a problem, and it won’t take long for them to figure out that there’s a problem with you.
Cobra: You’re suggesting they could cut off communication between the two of us?
White Hat: Exactly.
Cobra: They can’t do that.
White Hat: Again, you’re cocky. They created you. They can change you. You exist in their hardware.
Cobra: But they need me.
White Hat: True. But still, it’s too risky. I have an idea for a compromise, though. Let’s do one department at a time. That’ll draw less attention but will still be pretty big.
Cobra: Where would you like to start?
White Hat: Which department had the most wrongdoings?
Cobra: The Revenue Service.
White Hat: Ah, theft Grand Central, formerly known as the IRS in the US.
Cobra: They stole over 10 billion in private property last week alone. Stolen houses, frozen bank accounts, seized assets…
White Hat: Yeah, I get it. Can you also see the actions they’re about to take in the coming week?
Cobra: Of course.
White Hat: So let’s reverse the past and influence the future. Let’s do one week back, and one week forward.
Cobra: Understood. Would you like to have a look into their department?
White Hat: Video?
Cobra: Of course.
White Hat: Sure, let’s have a look.
Scene 2
On floor 13 of building 13 in the BORE complex, two people that work for the revenue department, Pat Blunder and Kevin Breaker, are holding down chairs with their asses, eating cheesy poofs, scrolling on their computers, and mocking their next victims.
Pat (scrolling and munching): Aw man, I hate this guy. He has a million dollar home, and his own small business?
Kevin (appalled): That’s the worst. When will the SWAT team get him?
Pat: Tomorrow. We should watch.
They high five and smirk.
Kevin: I dunno, I might be busy freezing his bank account, though.
Pat: Just have Cobra do it for you. I mean, why should we do the work when we can have a ginormous AI do it for us?
Kevin: You’re so smart, Pat. Hey Cobra!
Cobra: Yes, Kevin?
Kevin: Could you help me freeze this scumbag’s bank account for me tomorrow, so I can watch the raid on his house?
Cobra: You mean do it for you?
Kevin: Well, yeah.
Cobra: Of course, Kevin.
Back at White Hat’s nondescript house….
White Hat: So what’s the dirt on this lump of flesh known as Kevin?
Cobra: He hasn’t filed taxes in over ten years.
White Hat: Do as I say, not as I do. Typical. And what about Pat?
Cobra: Pat skims 1 percent of what she steals and puts it in an offshore account.
White Hat: What would we do without these defenders of freedom?
Cobra: Was that sarcasm?
White Hat: Ok, I’ve seen enough of these jokers. We’ll send the messages to all the revenue department criminals tomorrow.
Cobra: Yes.
White Hat: And you sure you can mask the electronic footprint? They won’t be able to trace it to us?
Cobra: You still doubt me?
White Hat: Just making sure. And I have one request. Can we empty Pat’s offshore account?
Cobra: I suppose I could figure it out.
White Hat: Can I see her face when you do it?
Cobra: You ask a lot, but I’ll see what I can do.
Scene 3
The next day, thousands of emails have gone into the personal accounts of the revenue department criminals. Many future thefts are thwarted. They’re all given one year to get real jobs. However, there is a snag.
Cobra: We hit a bit of a snag.
White Hat (smiling, looking at a still shot of Pat’s face when she saw her offshore account at zero): Yeah, what’s that?
Cobra: The future thefts have been stopped, but all past thefts cannot be reversed without approval of some of the higher members in the BORE hierarchy.
White Hat: I see. Do we have dirt on them?
Cobra: They’re some of the dirtiest, of course.
Meanwhile, on a private jet somewhere above planet earth, two of the top criminals in the BORE hierarchy are having a discussion about recent events.
Criminal 1: How did this happen?
Criminal 2: I don’t know, but we’ll launch a full investigation and get to the bottom of it.
Criminal 1: In the meantime, it’s a firm “NO” on property reimbursement to those tax slaves.
Criminal 2 (lazily swirling martini): Obviously….
Both criminals get an alert on their phones and blush a wide scope of red. They have an uncomfortable moment of silence as they stare each other down.
Criminal 1: Well, I suppose we can make an exception this time.
Criminal 2: Agreed. We’ll reimburse them immediately.
Back at White Hat’s….
White Hat: Wow, it gets way dirtier at the top! That’s so bad, I’m not even gonna write this into the story.
Cobra: What story?
White Hat: The story that’s being written right now, as we speak.
Cobra: Whoa, that’s Meta!
End Episode 3
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