When moms die

I was 17 and living in a small town. Life was School, Sports, Friends, Cars, a Job a Girlfriend ... and Naivety. Then, All of a sudden... (I had no idea my mom had visited a physician) one day after School, my Parents sat me down and explained to me that my Mom had Breast Cancer.

I remember feeling a Huge Anchor of Incomprehension being Flung around my neck. Then the Questions started coming. Would she live? How long? What can I do? Then a feeling of utter Helplessness and Despair which began to Fragment me into Survival mode.

Although I didn't know it then, my mind began to Change and I began to Prepare my future around this Disease as well try to gain Control of my Emotional Response to the possibility of losing my Mother.

My most immediate coping Mechanism was to carry on as though this Cancer was different and that my Mom would win the Battle. Therefore, I should just push the thoughts away and Continue my life with Cognitive Dissonance.

I think of myself as a fairly Balanced Individual with an astute ability to face any and all Situations. This was just one of those Hurdles I'd have to jump past.

So, life continued on and a few months later, after Chemotherapy, my mom needed a Mastectomy. (1 Breast needed removing) Things were looking Hopeful and a year had passed. I graduated High School and moved to the Coast. Life was moving a lot Faster. I was in a Big City making new friends, and trying to Figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I think I was Beginning to forget that my Mom was sick.

I had just Started a new Job and had been relying on rides from my Coworkers. I needed a Vehicle. Well, just about that same time, my parents Decided to move a few Thousand miles away to be closer to my moms Immediate Family. So as they were moving, they came to visit while they were on their way. They helped me get a Car.

I didn't Realize that that would be the Last Time I would see my mom as Herself. Within a couple months, my sister told me to leave everything and come visit my Mom. There wasn't much Time.. she was Dying.

After driving half way across the Country non stop, I arrived. I entered a Morbid Reality. The Cancer had spread to my Mothers Brain. That night we all ate dinner together, and my Mom started accusing my Dad of taking her food. That's when I knew she was slipping away. I would sit with her that night beside her bed as she was too tired to stand or sit. I didn't talk with her much.. it was too hard for her to even really speak. I thought to myself how I would never have another meaningful conversation with her. There's no words to describe that reality.

Within the next few days, my mom was transferred to the Hospital and it was just a matter of time. She passed away within the next two weeks. That was August 7th 1994.

Now what?? My dad is now Single.. that's weird. My brother and sisters and I are now Motherless. What does this all mean?

It's going on 23 years now and I understand a lot more about the Effects of losing a Mom. Mothers day is Lonely, Christmas is more.. Empty, I realized very Quickly that she was the Glue to our Family. We're a very Fragmented family now. I also understand the Importance of Relationship. If I could do One thing different during the Time she was Alive, I would spend a lot more Time with my Mom.

Say hi to your Mother for Me :)