Their mother still lives, and I have endeavored to ensure my sons know both the parents God or gods gave them, and since they were very young they don't remember being shot at by their mother's family or anything about the divorce and custody decree, so they have great love and affection for their mother.
I have concluded from my own life that I was not hammered out of the events of my life, but am who I am despite them. While our experiences teach us, they do not make us who we are, and my sons merit their own success which they have themselves created. While homeschooling gave them many advantages over their peers, it didn't make their persons, which they are by God or gods' graces. My own father, when I pressed him on the matter of investment in my upbringing in early adolescence said 'You have food in your belly, a shirt on your back, and a roof over your head. My job is done.' I found this inadequate for my role as a father, yet my own constant investment in the upbringing of my sons didn't make them who they are any more than my own father's lack of it did me. Eventually I have come to realize my father was right, although he shortchanged himself by not enjoying the many teaching moments father's have opportunities to when rearing their spawn.
Being a father has defined me, and while no father is without regrets, I am proud of nothing as much as I am being a father.
I wouldn't disagree with that. It would be too much vanity to claim the sons' success as your complete personal achievement. What I mean, rather, is that you gave them a solid foundation because you acted according to your convictions, which is enough in and of itself because you seemed sure of their positive influences at the time and therefore don't plague yourself with remorse or guilt.
In the same way, children have nothing they wish to hold against their father or mother, and why should they.
I think as a parent you can make all kinds of mistakes and errors as long as your children know where they stand with you. And they had the experience of a stable home in their childhood. In other words, parents who don't just disappear, who are unpredictable and ambivalent. Or, like your dad so clearly expressed.
Right. I find this to be an intelligent insight. There is under- and there is over-investment, but there is investment, after all.
If an adolescent complains of either or, the parent has to give the correct answer, according to his worldview and not the view of the young. Since the young cannot have the exact same view, for they lack the experience of life lived in years. Indeed, the young one expects his parent to answer correct.
Children often have the fantasy of their parents apologizing for their misdeeds. I think this is a psychological error. I now know that I never wanted my mom to apologize in front of me (even though I had this illusion) but to stand firm in front of us kids accusations. I needed her to be strong despite our constant blaming her. And she was. She did not whine, she did not suffer in front of us, even though we really gave her a hard core time. She was - of course - more intelligent than we were in that respect. Because, after all, what should that have changed, after things already had happened in the past.
I am therefore very glad that she spared me the sight of a mother crying and begging piteously for forgiveness, leaving her and my own dignity unharmed.
I think that it is rather one of the very problematic experiences of children who see a father or mother rolling in the dust in front of them because of their offences. Since the wish for it is a rather immature one and one not deeply reflected upon, it can only come from children who avoid self knowledge.
An excellent analysis. He has invested less, but also experienced fewer investment-rich moments of parenthood. To argue about one or the other is luxury.