The Lies We Tell Ourselves

We as students are very good at beautiful lies. Big dreams and solemn promises are the norm with these lies. We are sitting at the start of each semester and talking to ourselves in a responsible adult manner.

We vow to get up early, go to lectures, read early, spend less, develop good habits, and be better people. The promises become a reality at that point. We truly believe them. But days creep in and slowly we are revealed.

Some of the lies that I could vividly recall that I told myself was that I would be very serious about my studies. I said to myself that this semester will be different. I would read daily, update after classes and no longer procrastinate my assignments until the very end.

I even thought of answering the questions either with confidence in the classroom or being proud of my scores at the end of the semester. It was not a bad place they got that lie. It was a result of a strong need to be better and do better.

I made such a promise due to my exhaustion of fighting. I was no longer on a hurry to study at the nick of the nick, I was no longer reading at night and I was no longer feeling anxious about exams. I wanted peace. I had a dream to become such a student that is always ready. I said to myself that since other people could do it, I could do it.

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Therefore, I began the semester with high motivation and high expectations.
I initially attempted to be regular. I even read my books during a couple of days. I listened in lectures attentively. I even wrote short notes.

However, gradually the old ways began to come back. One day I failed to read as I was exhausted. On another day, I deferred it on the basis that there was time. Soon I found myself in the middle of a week, or two. I still had the promise in my mind, only that what I did was not in line with the promise.

It was hardly a surprise that the consequence of failing to make good that promise was painful. Fear took the place of confidence when it was time to take exams. I began to read under a strain. I read because I have to survive and not because I understand. Sleep became a luxury.

My mind was always racing. I wanted to go back in time and put my previous promises into consideration. The truth was later reflected in the results. They demonstrated well the fact that hard work postponed is hard work delayed.

I did not react to my failure in a uniform way. I was disappointed with myself, though I also laughed at the fact that I was predictable. My friends also mocked me since they were aware of my big plans at the start of the semester. Others also confessed that they did not succeed. Our story was the same and the reasons varied. It was humorous, but at the same time, it was tragic.

This was a lesson to me on life. Most of the lies that we make to ourselves are not deliberate. We lie not because we are bad people. We cheat as we wish to change without training to be disciplined. We desire process-less results. We desire to be successful yet not sacrificed. Life however is not that.

I also got to know that motivation is not sufficient. Motivation is temporary but discipline is permanent. Transformation is not thru loud pronouncements but daily small actions. It is preferable to make little promises and do something than promise everything and do nothing. Small things are much more important than big plans that never come out of our heads.

Nowadays I make some promises to myself and I am trying to be honest. I question myself on whether I am willing to pay the price. If not, I adjust the promise. I am still not learning, still not successful, and still developing. However, now I realize that it is not the end of failure. It is a teacher.

The deception of our self can destroy us, as it can also awaken us. We clear the path to growth when we forgive ourselves and admit the fact that we are weak. And perhaps, perhaps, it will be one day, we will fulfill that pledge which we once so failed to fulfill not because we had made it, but because we had lived it.