Recently, I've been feeling something is missing from my life, but for some reason, it's difficult to point out what truly is missing. It's like a void right now as though something was once there. I look back at some of the things I did in the past, at those times I felt on top of the world and I wonder what brought me down from my high horse. I remember the times I was guided strictly by the principles that constituted every part of my life, now I've grown soft, and can no longer stand by the decisions I would have stood by in those times. It feels like something is broken in me and I can't tell what it is or when it broke.
Image by vecstock on Freepik
Then I was so strict, my yes and my no could never be changed by anyone. One time I decided to do something my mother was against, and my entire family begged me to change my mind and see reasons with them, but I had made a decision and for me, there was no going back. That day my mum knelt down to beg me hoping that I would change my mind if I saw her on her knees, but instead, I went on my knees too to beg her not to beg me. I wasn't violent, but I was strong-hearted and it made my family take my decisions seriously. Now I tend to make mistakes with every decision I take, I've become indecisive and I don't like it.
The IT period of my life turned out to be when I just dropped out of school. My will was the climax of everything, my decisions were always on target, I was organized both physically and mentally, and I was intentional with everything I did, from my spiritual activities and my hygiene. It was during that period I made a decision that nearly killed me but I stood by it until the end. I decided I was never going to take drugs, and when I became sick, I told myself I would rather die than take medications. I went like that for more than 6 years before I finally broke my own oath because for some reason I do not know, I can not find the strength to continue.
Image by freepik
Now I feel weak when I make certain decisions especially because I would never have agreed to them a few years back. I was not enticed by anything anyone had to offer, my boss then was even envious of my attitude especially how I was so direct. After The period I dropped out my parents wanted to get a job, but I knew a job wasn't what I needed although it was what the family needed, but I chose my future over everything. I wanted to learn a skill before a job, and to date, it was one of the best decisions I made even though my dad was angry with me for a year, and my mum was always bitter with me. Today they enjoy the fruits the skills have yielded and sometimes I wonder how my life would have been if I didn't make those decisions.
I also remember it was during that period I turned down an offer to impersonate a man bearing my name and surname even after I was promised $10,000,000 from his total net worth by the bank officials planning to claim his wealth because he had died without any wife, child, or relative. My beliefs were everything to me then and they guided my thoughts and decisions. Life was clearer to me so I could see from every angle and never made costly mistakes. But now it's all changed and I look back wishing I had even a bit of such heart again
THIS IS MY RESPONSE TO HIVE NAIJA'S PROMPT FOR THE WEEK
Posted Using InLeo Alpha
I don’t think that your decision to take drugs broke you. I seem to be experiencing the same thing. Maybe it’s a phase? And we have to find a new purpose. A new strength.
Perhaps you are right, I hope I find that strength soon enough
Good and honest writing as usual mate.
My two cents about what you highlight is that when we are younger our life has a lot less variables, and our actions directly affect a very few close people. And people around us also support us for the most parts, especially when what we are doing is morally correct, even it be practically not desirable behavior. However as we age and move out to the wider world we have a lot less control on our lives, and many more variables to consider. To add to this people look up to us, and we are responsible for them. This affects how we look at things. For eg. in your case if you did not take medicine when actually required and it would have had adversely affected your health you would not be able to do all the good you are doing.
I think that phases of life go that way, that is the way of life. We are stubborn and try to stick to things in a straightforward manner when young, and as we age we try to remain true to our ways while taking others along through compromise and practicality along with the core of stubbornness that we never truly lose.
You made me think quite a bit :) Thank you for that.
Cheers from a fellow #dreemerforlife
Oh yes, as usual you are very correct. It's one of the impact time has on us all, so I guess it's all part of growth, but not the best part of me lol
I was telling my friend the other day that I pray old age doesn't humble me because I won't like it.
You can always get back to whatever consciousness it is you are coming from, its especially easier to get back than to attain.
You just meed to be discipline.
Yeah, but sometimes we discover it's not always as easy as it sounds
The simplest things are always the most difficult to achieve 🙂