I walked for a while this evening. I had the need to be moving as I was restless inside and I think I might have gone stark raving mad had I remained still. I walked for several kilometres whilst the sun sank west and the sky stained orange-red. I walked until it was dark, all colour gone and...I was still restless but a little more calm at least. I needed that.
I had my camera figuring taking a snap or two would take my mind off, well I don't really want to tell you what to be honest, but let's just say I needed my mind to go blank for a while and the walk, a few snaps...Ah hell, who am I kidding, it didn't work at all!
I've spent almost this entire day alone and have only said a couple of words out loud all day - I just had nothing to say, and not much opportunity to say it, so silence happened, and my thoughts were my only companion.
The problem is they're not the best company at times - My thoughts I mean. I'd planned to talk, but it didn't work out so...Those thoughts of mine were about it. Not so good and so I thought it best I go for a walk...I went with the intention of watching the sunset.
I read a quote today and was thinking about it as I walked this evening:
Don't look back, you're not going that way.
Simple, not that profound, just fact. The problem is that looking back, or at least thinking back, is something we all do, or should! I don't believe people who say they don't look back, it's simply not possible.
We are all a product of our past and thinking back is a part of who we are - We learn from our past experiences, actions and attitudes and they concatenate to make us the people we are today...Even if those past events were painful, dark, hurtful or hateful. They are all a part of us, albeit parts we might want to lock away and not see, or think about, again.
I have a past, like most, and tonight it came to pay me a visit; It's not welcome of course, but it comes by sometimes, often at the most inopportune moments, at times I'm ill-equipped to deal with it. The lid on that little box I lock it away inside of opens and it leaks into my brain, my heart, and it leaves me feeling things I'd rather not feel, or am not fully able to deal with I guess...But so far I've been fortunate to be able to do so and tonight was no different; Many are not so lucky.
I like to think I'm a good man and have mostly been so; Kind, generous, humble, courteous, hard working, a good friend, honourable, brave and courageous too when required, protective by nature...But I'm also flawed and broken. Sometimes I feel that I'm falling apart and just need someone to catch a few pieces and hand them back, maybe help me hold them all together. Tonight I needed that but it wasn't possible...So I walked and whilst thinking back I looked forward.
I took these snaps as I walked a tonight but it wasn't about the photography - For me, a poor photographer, it's not about the final product as it's often pretty average, just the act of taking the shots and being on the beach watching the sun head west and away to other parts of the world.
I love the way the light changes as it sets, the colours of course for sure, but also the way light gives way to dark - An ending. A pretty spectacular one at that. I don't find it melancholy though, in fact, the complete opposite. I see it as a reset. A chance at new beginnings, new opportunities, even if that is simply the sunrise tomorrow, a new day, and the chance to lock those thoughts up in that box again, maybe for a day or so.
Just love me, put your arms around me and hold me together else I'll fall apart.
I said this to someone who loves me very much. It's funny because that person doesn't really know why parts of me fall away, just that they sometimes do; I'm not very good at sharing my past. I'm not sure it matters to be honest though, The response said it all:
You are not going to fall apart because I am not going anywhere.
And just like that the box closed and shall remain so...At least until next time.
Every day I spend a few moments thinking about what I'm grateful for. I wake up, make sure I'm not dead, and then list a few things that I value and am so pleased to have in my life - The person I mention above is one of them. I have a good life, understand my feelings and why I have them, mostly know how to deal with adversity, and walk through life with a great deal of care towards others - There are some around me who mean more than my poor words could ever describe and when I need them they are there, even if they don't know they're helping me, they're there to do so.
Thinking back helps me know who I am now and looking forward helps me shape the now-me into what, and who, I will be at some stage in the future - Maybe tomorrow, or next year, the year after...I don't know and it doesn't matter; I will get there though.
Track - sent to me by the person I mention in this post: Malibu
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind
Discord: galenkp#9209
Firstly, wow on the photos. They came out great, the one of the bird in flight especially, it's really arty, i love it 👌
That's s great quote to be honest. I know you don't fully agree with it, but its very true. For those who have had nothing but joy and success or for those who have had lots of pain, too much introspection is not healthy. Sure some nostalgia or learning from mistakes is important, but we need to be careful to not live or lives looking backwards.
The same is true of the future. Spending to much time projecting forward is not great either. Sure, have a plan, have some life goals. Just don't say things like: "I'll be happy when...." or "I'll be happier if...."
You're setting yourself up for disappointment. Try to reach happiness in the present moment. Think of your happiest memories in your life, your most exciting moments. I guarantee you that you were fully present, neither looking back nor projecting forward at those times.
I think you already know this and that walk on the beach for example would have been a perfect chance to be present. Smell the sea air. Listen to the water lapping in. Feel the soft sand beneath your feet. Fill your lungs with air. Most people never truely appreciate it, but the best things in life are free and we can choose how we feel. It takes a lot of practice and mindfulness, but it is 100% possible.
It is our mind that does not want this. It took me a long time to learn this.
You sound like a wonderful person, so do yourself a favour and try to unload some of that burden you carry around with you. That could mean confiding in a friend, forgiving someone else, forgiving yourself. I don't know? Something to think about the next time those thoughts creep into your unconscious mind.
Instead of locking them up, let them appear when they appear. Don't associate with them though. Let them float by in a bubble. Acknowledge that they are there and then make a conscious decision not to dwell on them. They do not define you. I find locking things up, just means suppressing them and they will come back, often worse or more toxic. Instead see if you can come to terms with them somehow and let them flow by in the bubble and breath in the fresh air and live your best life.
I may be talking out of my arse, but just wanted to share my opinion.
Peace out.
Thanks for your opinions and comments on my photos which were all happy mistakes. I really am such a bad photographer but, like in life, I get lucky sometimes.
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ENGAGEtokens.Wow beautiful photographs; the colors are dazzling and fantastic. You can almost feel like fading through the color spectrum into the blackness lurking above.
I know the feeling you are talking about. Wanting to be perfect myself at times for everyone around me, I let the pressure and anxiety get to me, and I still screw up from time to time. As I keep on trying to get better, I feel (somewhat?) confident the sum of all experiences will be something we're glad to have experienced in life, you know? At least I hope that is the case for us all.
Life throws up challenges and our passage through it is never going to be perfectly suited. We change of course, and what we thought was ok may not be later on, that's just the way it is. We all have moments like that to work around and in the main most of us do it reasonably well. Not always though, and so that's when we need an outlet, some help from those around us.
You're right though, about the experiences we have in life. We wouldn't be ourselves if we didn't have them and so we work with them, like I did today.
Thanks for commenting and the nice words about my pictures.
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ENGAGEtokens.How come that some themes are the same just thousand miles apart? Just wrote a 'poem' about being blank 'n blunt and now I read your thoughts.
I wrote it in a little different context though but after all it's kinda similar.
Just one thing...we can only appreciate the light because there is the dark.
I am sure the ones that mean something to you know about it and whenever your little box opens it is for a reason.
You're right Anna. We are a product of both aspects... Hopefully we're able to meet somewhere in the middle. I do sometimes and that's all I can ask.
I hope you're well. Also, I read the poem. Nice. Be well, or as well as you can. 🙂
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ENGAGEtokens.I wonder how many of us are tormented by past memories, in my case especially the poor childhood ones. Almost like we live a surreal existence today and that's why I have always owned very little, knowing that it all can be taken away in an instant.
The thoughts are triggered by the sub-conscience recognizing something in the present life and yes, they appear out of nowhere.
Yet somehow we get used to them and endure the torment my bro.
Such is life methinks.
Endure is all we can do sometimes. I tend to do it pretty well mostly. We're all a bit broken and I think it's ok to admit it.
Oh yeah and the more that we talk about it then it just might inspire others to also come forth with their own dilemas. I read an old Japanese study once about thought rejection and at times it works for me to mentally immediately counter the leaking thoughts about the events of the past, but they always lurk to appear at unexpected times.
Everyone has different things to face, some much worse than myself. I guess what speaks for the person is how they deal with it, indeed, if they acknowledge it in the first place.
Ant that acknowledgement is the secret, as then one can work with it methinks.
Never an easy thing mate.
So many things to comment on here.
I'll start with the photography. If I could take shots like that, I would be delighted - they are absolutely gorgeous.
Secondly, what an stunning place to go to try to clear your head. It's really beautiful.
Finally... oh, the thinking. I look back more often than I look forward, and that is not good. It's good to reflect, for sure. Looking back at lessons you learned, whether they were pleasant or otherwise is necessary, I think. But spending too long there is not so good.
Honestly, I think we're all a little broken. What matters is having someone, like you have, to help you hold it al together. I'm glad you have that. 😊
Maybe I'm too self-critical as I don't think my photos are that great. Thanks though.
Yes, dwelling in the past is not good. Reflecting upon it is I think. It helps us order it, lelive better now and plan ahead somewhat. We are all a little broken; That comes with being human and having lived some life. It's unavoidable. I'm just maybe more pragmatic and willing to admit it I guess.
Thanks for your comment. Much appreciated.
The photos are exceptional - I looked at them for ages as I found them quite calming! 😀
Thank you, I appreciate the compliment. :)
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ENGAGEtokens.I believe that you are a much better photographer than you claim or are willing to admit to yourself. In my humble opinion you seem to have a great eye for catching the feeling of what you take a picture of and use it well as a backdrop for your articles.
Thanks mate, I appreciate it. I guess there so many good photographers out there I don't feel right presenting myself as a photographer. I'm a point and shoot sort of guy. :)
Hey, @galenkp.
Well, I have no idea what happened, and maybe it's for the good, especially if that's the way you feel it should be, but I wish you well, regardless.
Yesterday, I was part of a family group chat. The subject matter would take some explaining in this case, so I'll skip it. The main point is, I thought I was being made fun of and essentially said that. When I did, one of the family members left the chat. I'm assuming their upset at me. I did try to apologize for my part, but have not tried to talk to the individual one on one yet. Some cooling off period may be required, or again, I could be misinterpreting things.
Now, in all of this, I thought I was standing up for myself, something I keep hearing I'm supposed to do—but in this case, it boomeranged. I'm thinking, because of a few reasons:
One, it was in the group chat.
Two, apparently I was supposed to know that I wasn't being mocked or made fun of, just from the words and meme I was sent.
Three: Sometimes, it's better I let go of something before it becomes something.
What probably didn't help was my frame of mind. It was Easter, and because of different things I was reflecting on how I could try to be better person. In part, I was attempting to express that as the conversation in the chat progressed, but it got attached to a pretty minor point in the grand scheme of things.
A situation I know better to steer clear of, but apparently, have not completely learned the lesson.
So, anyway, not sure why I'm sharing that, other than it's still front of mind for me, and this post kind of dips into what I've been feeling.
Now, I have to go see what this falling off the roof post is about... :)
Here's to holding the pieces together...
Hi Glen, thanks for sharing that and despite the lack of full-details I can gauge your feelings fairly well. Those group-chats can be difficult to navigate effectively I guess, they move so quickly and with so many people there, and no ability to hear tone, inflection and see body language, misunderstandings can happen. I hope you get it sorted. We are always learning Glen, even at our ages, and so I think there's a lesson for you and the others as well.
I hold the pieces together and that's as good as it's ever going to get...Even when I fall of the roof I manage to keep it (mostly) together so that's a good thing.
Thanks for you comment Glen, as always it holds value.