Hanging up my PHC boots ;)

I was not originally going to publish a post about this, but after a little contemplation throughout the day, I actually began feeling like it would be wrong not to. I have been an active community leader, Hive blockchain advocate and basic community member for heading onto four years now. Some of you may have noticed that my availability, presence, passion and general enthusiasm dwindled dramatically as 2020 unfolded. It has been an unbelievably challenging year not only for me, but for my entire family – not to mention everyone else around the globe. I am depleted, emotionally exhausted and have long since been feeling like I can actually no longer give anymore of myself. You cannot pour from an empty cup as they say.

I have published countless posts on this blockchain since I joined. During lockdown and amidst nursing my mom before she passed all I could muster was digital drawings. Over the months in this year, when the well has been completely dry, I have re-published old posts for the simple reason that I had nothing more to give of myself at those particular moments in time. I suppose I always knew the risk attached to doing that, but by comparison to much of the absolute tripe that rolls down the Hive feed minute by minute, day after day – I guess I figured that sharing old content that was heartfelt writing was really not the worst thing a person is doing around here and considering how much I give away in the form of contests, competitions, tips, general community effort and promotion I suppose I figured the community would extend a little more compassion – so that was what I decided to do on those days.

Why bother posting at all? Well – a fact that I have always made completely transparent is that a lot of what I earn goes back into the people here, but I also use it to pay bills, buy groceries etc. I have been doing that for as long as I have been here – a fact well known by most. I used to be of the mind-set that Hive was supposed to be able to help people financially… be it long term or short term.

Time and experience here has taught me that this is actually anything BUT the case for a select few, and unless you are willing to abide by the motions and preferences which are set out by them… you are bound to run into trouble… which for the sake of the general community and myself – I have done on many occasion over the years… ultimately getting nowhere. The evolution of a social space is always a fascinating thing to watch unfold and I have seen many a good person finally throw their hands in the air and walk away – the reality is, as individuals – we only have “so much” to give and in the same breathe, there is only so much we can subject ourselves to. I have finally reached that point.

Community leadership is very often a lonely position (which was actually reiterated to me by someone earlier today) and as the months have turned into years, I have realised that for a great majority this is a “dog eat dog” world - no, not something I was oblivious to… but I suppose, I generally prefer to take the road of optimism. This has worn me down to a point where I was planning to power down completely and walk away – but until now, have not done so.

After getting a good arse whipping and yet another dose of unnecessary slander in the last 24 hours, I have been reminded of just how fickle, shallow and selfish humankind can be. Countless outgoing effort, completely overshadowed by a weak spot in my life. I have also been reminded that many years ago, I promised that I would stop putting myself second… a promise I have not fulfilled, until today.

No doubt to the glee of those that apparently spend so much time analysing my every move, and discussing my demise and flawed character in their discord servers - I have decided to shut down the PHC community and remove myself from ANY form of “representation” for this blockchain in a public manner. I simply cannot be the voice for a space which for the most part, I have lost much faith in.

Do not let this statement be misunderstood or misconstrued… this is in NO way a reflection of the MANY people with which I have formed friendships over the last 3.5 yrs. Those will continue to be as close to my heart as they ever were, and yes – I WILL make a way for ALL of us to remain in contact… because I would not want it any other way! I have arrived at his decision because I simply want NO further part in the hypocrisy, greed, bitterness and backstabbing that IS the top 20 of this blockchain (and let’s not forget the countless minions that are ever hopeful for a slice of their pie).

Life is short and I am consciously choosing to remove toxicity from my immediate sphere. It is as simple as that. I do not have the time, energy nor inclination to occupy my mind, heart or days with such things or people.

Hive has played a HUGE role in my life over the last few years and I have tried, I really HAVE - to uplift those around me along the way. A space that I joined as a part of my own healing process, it quickly became a home to me. Where I sit right now, I am removing myself from any position of “duty” and will continue to blog for myself – but to be frank, I am going to play that decision by ear too… because I feel a whole lot less “at home” these days – and I also detest being a part of things that are NOT what they appear!

That aside and no matter the long term outcome – it sure has been an interesting journey. Founding the @steemitbloggers and now PHC was one of the best things I ever did! I never could have anticipated just how STRONGLY and DEEPLY the “virtual connections” I would make around the world would impact my life. As a collective from way back then, right up to now we have travelled so MANY fun (and not so fun) roads together - A facet of my life that I will NEVER forget nor regret. Thank you to each and every one of you that has been a part of that!

I have accepted that I need to let this “baby” go for the sake of my own well-being. I can only hope that as members of our space, you will try and understand the “why” which I have expressed above. To those of you that have been a part of PHC since “way back” – I love you!!! Thank you for EVERYTHING that you have given of yourself and for sharing in the vision of changing this space for the better.

Lastly, to the schmucks (big and small) who seem so apparently obsessed with my demise – I thank you. You have not only pushed me in the direction of being 100% honest with myself again but you have ALSO reminded me that individuals like you have NO power over my individuality nor character. I am not a number, nor am I an upvote or a downvote. I am not text on a screen nor an emoji… I am a human being. A living, breathing facet of creation and I will continue to breathe inspiration into the lives of those around me.