10,000 Hours - Hour 384

The final fuckin' countdown.

I've had it. I'm outta here.

I woke up on a love seat in a sea of beer cans and bacon grease with a dog licking my ankles and a Marvel movie on full blast. Around me were four other unconscious bodies; some sprawled out, some still upright. A young man emerges in his underwear and says "did I make bacon last night or was I dreaming". Another half-conscious body snorts and responds "you made grease".

And all in all, I love every bit of it. Zero complaints there. The issue is- I'm bored. And not very healthy. This small town lifestyle is just not it for me anymore. And the longer I stay here, the more I'm gonna keep doin this shit. Waking up in strange places, not remembering going to bed, potentially eating a plate of bacon as a borderline vegan(I don't know if that happened I just know it might have). And with the same 5-10 people. It's starting to get to a turning point.

Funny enough, I originally started writing this "series" (on a different account) during a time when I was planning to move to the Pacific North West. And here I am, years later, in the same time and thinking the same thing. I woke up this morning and immediately started looking at housing in Seattle.

I love where I live with all of my heart. And every part of me wants to be able to stay here. This community has saved my life on more than one occasion- especially during my more manic, late teens/early 20s era. Simply by existing. And it feels like a crime to leave it.

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But the fact of the matter is- it's just not good for me. I can't accomplish anything here. Everything is far too familiar. Everyone is far too familiar. People rant and rave about the importance of consistency and routine and, well, it simply doesn't work for me. And I'm sure there are a ton of people just like me that think that maybe they need that stability in their lives but might actually not.

As many of my more long-term HIVE friends probably know, I lived in Santiago, Chile, with my ex-fiancee for a period of time. That was the first time I've lived outside of my state in a very long time. Even before that, all my moving attempts never really worked out, and I don't think there was ever a time where I fully "lived" somewhere else.

And, it was the happiest I have been in a long time. I had so much fun just going outdoors. Skating around. Taking photos. Getting lost. Getting into shady situations. Seeing new things. New people. I spent an entire day just walking a drainage ditch because I was interested what laid outside the city. This is the type of shit I miss.

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My coworker and I have been talking about driving out west after the season is over here and I think I might just stay out there. I have a friend in Seattle who has been trying to convince me to move there. I am 100% on board- although it does seem like a pretty expensive place to live. But, I have found some cheap studios in my one-morning search. So it's definitely at the top of the list.

Portland, Oregon is definitely an option. And, as always, my heart lies in Santiago; although I'm still not legally allowed to move there at this time. I'm curious if I know any HIVE-ians who live out in the OR/WA area. I have always thought how fun a HIVE meet-up would be- although where I live it's unlikely that there would be more than a few people that would even qualify- let alone the difficulty of getting those schedules to all work together.

The hardest part about this decision is my father. As I've talked about, he is sick, and leaving now of all times feels like I am betraying my family to some extent.

Ok, I have to rephrase. It doesn't feel that way. But I know that is how they will see it.

But I gotta do what I gotta do. I don't see myself being happy here. Not the way things are now. And as for what would need to change- well, I'm not gonna get into that, but it's not happening. Not here, and not anytime soon.

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Things change. People change. And I think there are a lot of people in my life that don't fully understand that and will see my move as a step backwards. But this place is holding me back. And I know what it feels like to feel like you trapped somewhere. Moving can be really difficult. But if the place isn't for you, it isn't for you. Move on. Be happy.