There are two ways I know of to rid the house of vampires and husbands: one, a stake through the heart, and two, crack open a jar of fermented garlic. The stake through the heart is a little messy, and the clean up is just a bitch, so I'm going to recommend the fermented garlic method, which I detail below.

Step 1: Plant Garlic

I realise sometimes you need to get rid of vampires or husbands quickly, but don't let passion get in the way - sometimes rash decisions can lead to issues, like unfinished jobs around the house. By planting at least a year ahead, it gives you time to think carefully of the repercussions. Whilst vampires can be annoyingly bitey, there are other tools you can use in the meantime, like mirrors - they can be a bit like budgies in that way, tapping the surface lovingly to ensure their lips are blood red enough and their teeth contrast with the whitest snow (I recommend my vampire bi-carb soda and charcoal - a week brushing with that and he'll stare at his teeth in the mirror all day).

If you plant garlic during the day, you shouldn't have an issue with the vampire anyway as they are generally asleep at this time.

Fertilise during the growing season, adding a gentle manure like alpaca, if there are any in the area, as some vampires do like their long necks to suck on. The garlic also likes to be weed free - you'll have to do it yourself, as vampires and husbands don't like to do it, especially if they're watching Youtube (if there just happens to be a mechanic video done by a virgin, I can find mine both together, but generally they fight over the remote).

Step 2

Take the garlic and put it in a metal bowl, and place the other bowl over the top. Keeping the bowls tightly together, vigorously shake. You'll find the skin of the cloves just falls away really easily. Please watch the below video as proof this is really a thing - it's one of the best kitchen tricks ever. If this changes your life, please click the 'buy me berries' button at the end of this post - HIVE tips are welcomed.

The time of day you do this doesn't really matter, although it can be delightful to do early morning, when the husband's hungover, especially if he left his cans on the side table the night before instead of putting them in the recycling like you told him twenty times the night before. However, if said husband gave you a foot massage the night before, perhaps you could try doing it about an hour or two after dawn, holding it right up against the coffin in the basement - it makes a helluva racket and causes vampires to lose a little sleep and wake up a bit groggy in the evening, and less likely to mess with you.

Step 3

Then, put a handful of garlic in the bottom of the jar and top with honey, so it's about three quarters full or there's enough honey to cover the garlic. You'll need a bit of a gap because it's going to fizz, because that's what ferments do. Don't worry about botulism - honey is said to have the right acidity so it's not a problem, but, some people like to put just a little splash of ACV in there just in case. I did for one, but regretted it as I didn't quite get the lovely fizz as I did from the others. However, I also haven't died.

At first, you'll have to turn upside down or shake morning and night, just so the honey keeps coating the floating garlic. Eventually, they'll sink. The honey will get very liquid from the fermenting juice from the garlic (hence why you shouldn't fill all the way up). Do this for a day or two.

Step 4

Here's the fun part. Wait until your husband has made vegemite toast and left the vegemite AND the butter on the side, and talked to you about Landrovers for just that little bit too long (granted, your husband might talk obsessively about other things - the subject matter is not really a problem here), then 'burp' your garlic jars. You'll hear a gentle fizz as the aroma of garlic wafts about the room. About a minute later, you should see the results - your husband will groan loudly, probably swear, and leave the house.

It's really the same step for the vampires, although the time of day does matter - no good doing it during the day when they're asleep. It's good to let a well rested vampire out into the world, because with any luck, they'll take up residency with the neighbours that refuse to cut down the pine trees that are home to resident rabbits. Remember the smell is not enough to kill them entirely, but will probably have them packing up their coffin and capes sharpish. The vampires, not the neighbours and rabbits, to be clear.

Once you've been left in peace, taste the garlic honey. It's important to do this so you can question why the hell you went to the trouble, because it's so insanely brutal a garlic taste that you will scrunch up your face in a similar manner to said vampires and husbands.

This, however, will only make the final product, of about a week or two of fizzing and fermenting, more delightful. The longer you leave it, the more subtly delicious it is. You can eat it by the spoonful, drizzle it over a salad or use it as a marinade (note if you heat the raw honey, you'll lose the benefits of the honey). Try a shot of garlic infused vinegar with a chaser of garlic honey. Ooh yeah, there's the spot.

If you'd like a more serious article on fermented honey, I suggest you try this one by @amygoodrich. It's where I got the idea from, and she's far more sensible than me in explaining to you how she does it. Thanks Amy for the idea - I'm totally in LOVE with this immune boosting cold slaying sore throat soothing elixir of garlicky goodness!!

Like Amy, I'm okay with honey that's been produced in a particular way. For her, it's Cambodian jungle honey - for me, it's the hives in my garden. I think apiculture done this way (not exploitative commercial) is actually really, really important for bees, and if we stopped eating or caring about honey, I think we'd have a bigger problem on our hands. Bees are certainly not the only pollinators, but they're an important one, and if we aren't paying attention to bees then perhaps we're not going to raise awareness of their plight or teach people to tend them in a ethical, loving and conscious way. The more we're aware of bees and the more involved we get in apiculture, the more we will plant for bees too, and stand up against chemical ag which can totally remove bee populations in our local areas.

Have you ever made fermented honey garlic?

Do you raise bees, or want to?

What natural medicine tricks do you have to deal with vampires and husbands?

**Side note: no vampires or husbands were actually harmed in the making of this post. I respect their right to a garlic free life just as they respect my right to a garlic loaded one, although they complain about my choice far more than I complain about theirs.

With Love,

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