My Experience With Anhedonia & Apathy

Webster definition of anhedonia - a psychological condition characterized by inability to experience pleasure in normally pleasurable acts

Webster definition of apathy – lack of feeling or emotion & lack of interest or concern

Ever since I went through puberty, I've suffered from almost a total lack of pleasure from regular activities. I've felt next to no emotional variance, and usually, just feel numb and discontent.

My social life has been very lackluster. High school was hell, college-age even worse. I never had the drive to go find new friends or a relationship. After childhood, I never again experienced any joy out of normal activities or bonding/socializing with others the way a normal person should. I've spent 90% of my time on the computer, it was the only thing I found fun. I started using drugs at about 13 years old, and couldn't stop experimenting with anything I could find. I found my social crowd eventually, and it was the degenerates. I spent every aching hour researching drugs or doing them, and a lot of the time both. I didn't know that rebound emotions happened as a result, which led me into the deepest, darkest of times.

My mom was a single mom who worked all day, she couldn't watch me, and I took advantage of it. My Dad told me stories of his partying and said things like "there is nothing wrong with getting an eight ball of coke once in a while, just don't get caught." and glorified his college drinking days a ton. I don't blame either of them for my choices, but they certainly played a role in my addiction & eventual mental decline.

As I progressed through drug use & addiction, my mental health declined significantly. My memory got much worse, and the already preexisting anhedonia got a lot worse. My depression took over and ran my life by the end. At first, I could work, and at least make the effort to copy people's homework, so I didn't flunk the grade, but by the end, I was a complete mess. I got fired from most jobs and quit the rest, I couldn't stand doing anything other than lazing around on the computer and playing video games, or listening to music. I felt nothing at all.

My lifestyle definitely played a role in my depression, anhedonia, and apathy. I didn't have the motivation or drive to make a life worth living. I have gone through years of suicidal thoughts but have never acted on it, but I feel like I'm finally past it. Recently my living situation, job and lifestyle plus a 3 tab acid trip 😄 opened my eyes to what I wanted from life, and what I was living wasn't it. I have finally found peace, happiness, and know what I want from life. A huge personality change was necessary to break out of the prison I was in.

The only thing that helped my anhedonia & apathy besides drugs was antidepressants. The only ones that have worked were Wellbutrin, Effexor, and Cymbalta. I currently take 2x 30 mg Cymbalta, 3x 800 mg Gabapentin, and 3x 8 mg Suboxone. I have no anhedonia or depression anymore, and feel tons of motivation. It takes awhile to find the right medication combination but don't give up! i found relief several times with antidepressants, but went back to drugs as I am a hedonist, and an addict. Now i'm taking no illicit drugs, and feel great. Yes, the suboxone is a crutch, but it's the only thing preventing a relapse right now, so I'm using it for the time being.

Thank you for reading! Message me any questions, and I'll answer them as soon as I can. Please give suggestions on what kind of content you like to see, and what is popular in the blogging community, as I am trying to improve.

Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash