Beyond The Facade: When Helping Others Hurts....LOH #243

We all have that one thing we would really love to change about ourselves, and for me, that would be the way I carry everything on my owm, show up for others, even even when my spirit is down and my hands are shaking.

If you know me well, you will agree agree with me that I've been the strong type, the helper, the adviser, the giver and all, I am that person that people often come to when they’re tired, depressed, broken, confused and all. Personally, I feel it's due to the fact that I have survived what many wouldn't have, I have experienced pain and still smiled through it, even atimes when my body seems to betray me. Maybe, just maybe I got used to the idea that strength meana silence and love meant showing up for others, even when no one shows up for you.

I am admired, a lot, it's very obvious, they say am kind, thoughful, dependable, trustworthy.....I help people out concerning their relationships, issues and many more, I do certain things anonymously where I listen to their confessions and things they sort my opinion on. I also assist business owners, I also write to comfort people, even people I’ve never met. I hlep hold others together, but there are times that even I feel like am tearing inside.

I am not the type to ask for help, I just try do my things, there was this particular I was very busy, I was out the whole week helping someone organize a charity event. I returned back home physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted. I was just about to pray and find something to eat so I could rest, but then I heard a knock on my door, this lady came in crying, I can't possibly send her back, I can't shout at her, I just stood there, allow her in and listened to her, I had to take her back to her home that night, she can't possibly sleep in mine...she's married just married at that.

Then one day, I don't know why, but I feel so so burdened, who do I go to, I don't know, I went home, locked the door behind me and sat on the floor, resting my back on the door, everywhere was dark and I loved it that way, I was just feeling somehow that night, more like I was so burdened that I was so empty, its somehow unexplainable.

I sat there and thought that if I were to disappear, would anyone notice, and even if they do, who would know the weight I was actually carrying inside of me, or what if I just die, would it be felt by anyone, won't they just toss me and me and my memory away easily....I had to call myself back to attention, because I was actually going far in my thought and it scared me.

I realized that people love what I give them, but they don’t know me deeply enough to see that I am having issues too, that I think too, that I am most times broke and heartbroken too, and I believe that applies to almost everyone of us who does this sort of thing, we help relationships, we advise, we come through for people, we show up and do all and never gave them(the people) a chance to see us weak.

So, if one thing I could change, it is this need to be everything for everyone. I'd learn to say am not fine, I do stop measuring my worth by how useful I am to others, I would take my time to rest, to say no without guilt, I'd admit when tired and even cry when I break too.

Of a truth it is hard, especially for us that we've been known to be strong and often come through for others, we sre always with smiles on our faces, and sometimes when we frown, its not for long so people won't think otherwise. There are times I have even think of stopping, what would happen if I should stop all this, would anyone break, would someone out there give up..but also I thought about myself wouldn't I finally find a space to breathe and be myself also.

Until you acknowledge that you also need help, healing won't begin. Even healers needs healings, comforters needs comfort, givers need help, helpers need to receive as well. And it seems I haven't mastered that yet, but writing and thinking about it now, I really want to. I also want to live, to rest, to break, to cry, to feel and still remain loved.

If I could possibly change one thing about myself, I would change that belief of...I have to to carry it/the weight alone. Because strength as it is in holding on, it is also in knowing when to let go.

All pictures are mine, second and third pictures are screenshots of my WhatsApp status.

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