^{Mom and me.}

😪

As those of you who are my friends know, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in January 2020. The cancer was found by accident. She had gone to the ER the night of New Year’s Eve 2019 with extreme pain. The pain was kidney stones, but the scans found her cancer.

Pancreatic cancer is one of the most deadly and aggressive cancers. It is often not found until it is too late. Mom was lucky to have found it early. On February 24, 2020 she was admitted to the hospital for a brutal 11 hour surgery known as a whipple. During a whipple a patient has half of their pancreas, stomach, small intestine and large intestine removed. Then the reminder of the organs are reattached to one another. They also remove all of the gallbladder and various numbers of lymph nodes. Mom had 24 taken out. Post recovery patients typically need to endure weeks more of chemo to beat back all of the cancer.

But, mom never really recovered. She ended up in the ICU. She had pneumonia, blood clots, infections, sepsis, delirium, hallucinations, c-diff, unexplained leakages, iron malabsorption… she lost her ability to eat. She’s had a j tube for feeding and a nephrostomy tube for urinating ever since. She lost over 100 lbs. She was still in the hospital when Covid restrictions set in. She was there 360 days! For most of that we could not be with her, she had to fight all alone to stay alive. She never was strong enough to get the chemo.

Since coming home mom has mostly been bed ridden, or at least house bound. Too weak to go up and down the stairs to get out of my parent’s house. When she stays out of bed too long mom often gets violently ill. It is not a great way to live. But she is alive and every day I am so thankful mom is still here. Just a phone call or short drive away. She is the one person in this world who makes me feel utterly and completely unconditionally loved. When you have a good mom, no one else can compare.

Since coming home from her initial hospitalization in 2021, mom has been readmitted MANY more times. Usually for various infections or tube changes. Each time they do CT scans and bloodwork. Each time her cancer has not returned. Until now… 😪

My husband and I were in California from 2/12-2/16. A short trip for a concert and Disney. Our dogs were staying with my parents while we were gone. On Valentine’s Day my dad called us to say mom had been taken to the ER. She was in some pain with a fever. The ambulance came out and paramedics made the call she should be hospitalized. Everyone thought she had another infection. Tests confirmed this to be true.

Heartbreakingly, tests also confirmed her cancer is back. It can be seen in her abdomen on scans and her bloodwork shows high levels of cancer makers. None of this was there when she was last hospitalized in November. Mom and dad found out Friday afternoon. Dad told us Friday night when we arrived home from our trip and went to retrieve the pooches.

Mom is too frail to have chemo or to survive another surgery. This combined with the speed of the cancer’s appearance… her doctor believes it is only a matter of months until mom dies.

I am shattered by this news. I feel like all of the air in my lungs has been pressed out of my body and I am gasping for oxygen. We just lost mom’s mom (my grandma) on November 23. We are still grieving that, and dealing with the logistics of that. Being faced with losing my mom now too… it is too much. Too hard. Too overwhelming.

And while grandma had lived a remarkable and healthy nearly 99 years, my mom is only 77. She deserves so much more time. We deserve so much more time with her. Unlike my grandma she is not ready to go. She is scared, and heartbroken and it is all so unfair.

My mom is everything. She is the creator of all the magic and special moments in my life. When I am feisty and not standing for anyone’s shit.. that comes from my mom. When I am drawing, decorating for Christmas, confidently kicking someone’s ass in a game, or making a delicious sweet or savory treat… all of those parts of me are from my mom. Despite being married nearly 22 years, I think my mom is still the one person on this earth with whom I have spent the most time.

I desperately want more time.

I went to the hospital and sat with her yesterday. Just me, mom and dad. (My husband had to leave for Singapore for a stupid work trip and won’t be home for a week.) They hope to get mom’s infection under control so she can go home. She wants to die at home. When the infection is managed she will officially start hospice care. Hospice is end of life comfort care that is typically prescribed when a person has 6 months or less to live. She has already signed a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate). Mom has also declared this is the last time she will go to the hospital for treatment.

The visit was surreal. Talking about normal stuff. Talking about what mom wants for her funeral. Seeing her cry and grieve the life she still wants to live. Seeing her and dad talk about how he should sell their house when she is gone and get a place that is easier to manage. Hearing mom sort of joke about hoping she will get to watch the next season of Seahawk football. I can’t believe she might not be here for Mother’s Day, my 50th birthday in July, or for Christmas. Is Christmas even Christmas without your mom?

I have logically known mom wasn’t going to be here to turn 98, but being faced with the reality of that is super hard. I am simultaneously heartbroken for her, for dad and for me, but also heartbroken for the people who lost their mom’s much earlier in life than I will. What a huge life changing loss. There isn’t another love that compares to a mother’s love. Losing the security, confidence and feeling of safe harbor that comes from that love … it is crippling to imagine.

Everything should stop to allow a person the space and time to lose their mom. I am meant to go back to work on Tuesday and I have no idea how I will think straight. How can meetings and mundane shit still be going on when I am on the precipice of such a monumental loss? Life is just so fucking hard sometimes. 😪

Anyway… that is the story in my corner of the world. If your mom is still alive, tell her how much you love her (if you do), visit her, hug her, hold her hand, be thankful for every part of her that makes you feel like you. If your mom is already gone… I am filled with admiration at your perseverance.

🩷