To Mind and Not To: Feeling, Thinking, and None of the Above

Do your feelings muddle with your thoughts, or do your thoughts muddle with your feelings? Today, there's a lot of wandering happening in my head. Ever felt stuck like this before?

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Today's events are rather interesting - I got reacquainted with the feeling of grinding in a game and I found a safe space in someone. At first, putting them together in one sentence doesn't make sense but, both brought out the same thing in me.

I was thinking and not thinking at the same time. Or was I feeling and not feeling at the same time? Bear with me as I am obviously confused as you are. Or don't. I may or may not make sense!

These days have been taxing to my psyche as I try to guide myself through different emotions. It may be evident in my recent posts that I have been separating myself from my feelings. If you haven't checked them, you don't have to. Probably this paragraph alone is enough evidence, lol.

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The Grind

I was grinding to get out of Big Time's tutorial phase earlier this day and if you have an idea about how multiplayer online role-playing games work, usually spellcasters tend to be a bit more fragile than other classes. With this in mind, I took my time doing things alone. With thought and with none.

Imagine mindlessly left-clicking and watching your mage throw attack after attack with their beginner staff. Imagine mindlessly doing that for hours but also having to think about when could you cast your next spell or how much health or energy you have left.

To think and not to think. Odd.

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The Safe Space

After the grind, I was scheduled for a session with this new friend. Let's call her Phoebe. I'm not disclosing their real identity for now just because I'm concerned about protecting her energy as well.

Phoebe helped me with understanding myself a bit more by actively listening to the things I have been going through these days. There was a lot of dissection, really. Questions after questions came in and, yet, just having to have someone who could listen to you and assure you that whatever you say will be kept confidential no matter what is a big breath of fresh air.

I was allowed to say anything without repercussions. I was allowed to say anything without being cut off. I was allowed to feel myself.

But I still had instances of intellectualizing my own feelings. Hehe, processing them is quite the mental gymnastics.

And at that point, it seemed as if I was feeling and not feeling.

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Where am I even going with this? I'm not sure. Do I have to know exactly what it could be? Nah, not really.

Today, I allow myself to be confused. I'm just curious if this is really a thing.

So odd.

But hey, thank you for stopping by.

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