Today was really odd. I am not sure what the deal was, but all day there was this feeling of pending doom hanging over me. It was like a hammer was getting ready to drop at anytime. Every time the phone rang I expected bad news. Every email was opened anxiously. The notifications for text messages put a knot in my stomach.
Don't ask me why this feeling existed. I tried to figure that out most of the day. Yeah, the day didn't go as planned. But when do they ever end up as planned? If they ever do it is a damn miracle for this house.
The youngest and I were supposed to work on finishing up the landscaping timbers on the latest project. However, he was called into work and left me without my muscle and helper. That was okay though because I was still a little wonky from overdoing it in the heat Friday.
Maybe it was my down time today between filling out forms, calling pharmacies, and doctors offices that left me with too much time to think about the feeling of dread hanging over me like a storm cloud.
Eventually the feeling of pending doom faded...some.
As I sit here now typing this and recalling that dark feeling, it makes me smile now. Why? Hell, I really don't know. It could be because I might be going crazy and falling off my rocker again. Doubtful though because all has been well up until today. No signs of progression.
Nah, I think it is more about being happy about my response to this negative thought creep. As I look back on the day, I am recalling every time those negative thoughts of doom and gloom would enter my mind. Each time they would, I would start thinking positively to counter.
This is something for me to be proud of. Having struggled with the demons and darkness for sometime in my past, it is good to know that when dark thoughts come, I am able to fend them off with some ease.
Recently there has been a lot of life impacting decisions in our household. Not sure if my demons are trying to tell me those decisions will result in failure. In reality all is going well, and the changes should serve us well in in the future. But I know there is something inside my brain that looks for a train wreck to happen.
I just had to keep reminding myself of the positives behind these decisions, the reasons why they were made and why some choices were not made. This countering the negative with the positive thinking is something I did not do in my past when haunted by similar feelings of pending disaster. I would allow those negative feelings to overwhelm me to the point of anxious assholeness.
Not today.
Although the feeling of pending doom has not fully left, it is not as strong and not constant like it was earlier. Shifting my thoughts to more positive ones seems to help.
I will say though, the feelings of life shitting all over us at any given time, did force me to do some double checking of my risk management. All seems good and reinforces the positive thinking. So the positive thinking is not misplaced or toxic.
Now I just need to figure out why that feeling of doom popped up and how do I make it stop. Hell, it is 0300 and I've been up all night, so none of this probably makes any sense. If that is the case, then maybe forgive me and if you would like, while here, answer the questions below:
Do you ever have these weird feelings of pending doom? Do they ever turn into anything or do they turn out to be nothing?
Thanks for reading,
Joe
Note: Image is mine taken with an iPhone 6S.
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I sometimes feel, well not like impending doom is about to fall upon me, but sometimes when I feel things are going well I begin to worry that surely things cannot be going so well and something just has to go wrong.
As you have mentioned, one needs to find (or remember) the positive things, hold onto them and use that to move through the negative. Easily said but not always as easily done.
Becca 🌷
I do hope you don't get that feeling very often? I know these thoughts I haven't had in over a year until now. Unlike before though, I was better trained and prepared to deal with them. I agree, countering negative thoughts is not easy sometimes.
That sucks, I am sorry you had to go through that. I was feeling a little dreadful yesterday too. That is pretty typical this time of year for me though. It's the beginning of the school year and I have a lot of moving pieces I need to get in place to make sure things are good to go for the teachers and students.
I appreciate the thought man, thanks. Nah, all is good, I wanted to share how I was able to successfully manage it. Something I used to not be able to do well not long ago.
Oh goodness, I can't imagine the shit show things are for school staff right now. Hell, they had to cancel the JCPS schools in Louisville for a few days because the bus routes were all jacked up the first day.
I saw that on the news last night!
A feeling I know all to well, and it's a challenge. Latching onto the positive helps to a point, but never easy. The problem with pills for the anxiety is they make you too foggy to function properly, though I will take them at night at times. It's a rough demon to live with, and it takes a lot of effort to push it away. I hope you're feeling better today, I know what you're going through brother.
Yesterday was great. The day before was a victory, I managed the thoughts well. I was better prepared with training to deal with it. Meds also help some, but the focused effort to counter the negative thoughts is what helped most.
I do hope you are winning or at least making peace with your demons. You are in my thoughts. You got this and don't give in.